AITA for not letting my wife adopt my kids?

A Reddit user (30M) is grappling with the decision of whether to allow his wife (30F) to adopt his two children, ages 8 and 9, from his previous relationship. The children’s biological mother was in a car accident and requires round-the-clock care, so she is unable to be involved in their lives. While the Reddit user and his wife are married, the children have expressed that they do not want a new mother.

His wife feels hurt by his decision and is frustrated, believing she is being treated unfairly for not being allowed to adopt them. The user feels torn between his wife’s desire to be a full parental figure and respecting his kids’ feelings and the memory of their mother. Read on to find out how he navigates the situation and the concerns raised by both sides.

‘ AITA for not letting my wife adopt my kids?’

I (30m) have two kids ages 8 and 9, with my ex. My ex is still alive but she was in a car accident two years ago and requires around the clock care now so she’s not able to be an involved mother to our kids. She and I were friends who tried being more but worked better as friends. I still love her as a friend. I visit. My kids visit. And my kids love their mom.

I was dating my wife (30f) when my ex had her accident. We got married a year ago. She loves my kids and has mentioned that she’d like to adopt them. I had some mixed feelings on that and I spoke to my kids, just a general talk with no pressure to give an answer either way, but neither were on board. They didn’t want a new mom. Which I respect.

I told my wife I didn’t think her adopting the kids was the right thing to do and at first she appeared to accept it. She told me she was disappointed but she also said she understood. But that wasn’t the end of it and she has asked me why, she has asked me to reconsider, she told me about the benefits of her adopting them and she said she doesn’t want to be considered a lesser parent because she’s stepmom and not mom.

My kids feelings have remained unchanged. They like my wife but they do not consider her their mom. My wife said I’m being unfair. That she’s actively involved in the kids, she wants to mother them and to give them a mom back and she said I’m not letting her. She said if something happened to me she’d lose the kids and they’d lose her and when we have kids they’d be separated. I told her I wanted to act in my kids best interest and that’s where my decisions come from.

My wife feels I’m unreasonable. She feels like I’m using her. She doesn’t do all or even most of the child raising. She is a huge part of it but I’m very involved and active. I don’t want her to feel used but I don’t want to force this on my kids and honestly, it feels disrespectful to the mother of my children. But my wife feels I’m not respecting her.. AITA?

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

ProtozoaPatriot −  Adoption is a *legal* concept. I don’t think your wife understands that it doesn’t define the relationship she has with the kids. It didn’t magically turn her into “mom”. If she wants to be an important person in their lives, that comes from lots of time, patience, love, and understanding.

professorfunkenpunk −  If your ex is still alive, unless she renounces parental rights, your wife can’t adopt them. And I’m not sure what the hell she thinks she would get out of adopting them anyway. This is just very weird.

Edit- I read more of the comments, and agree with others- this is consult a lawyer territory. You need to talk to a lawyer and to set up a will with guardianship provisions in the event something happens to you, whether you want them to go with your wife or someone else. And the fact that your ex is alive but incapacitated probably complicates that. But a decent family law/probate attorney should be able to get it sorted.

FatFats666 −  NTA – she needs to come to terms with the fact that they DO have a mom. She’s a bonus mom and she can’t force them to replace their own mother. it makes it seem like she wants to pretend their mom doesn’t exist & have her be able to make all the choices. Props to you for listening to your kids; they come first.

RevolutionaryDiet686 −  NTA They have a living breathing Mom. No reason for adoption. Likely the Mom would not agree to her adopting them anyways. She can either be a bonus mom or she can take a hike.

First-Stress-9893 −  To be honest I feel like this would be disrespectful to their mom. She is still alive. She is still their mom. Why isn’t being in their lives enough for her? Even if she adopted them the relationship doesn’t magically change – it’s just legalities.

AnnNonNeeMous −  They. Have. A. Mother.. Period.. End of story.. NTA.

DontWasteMyTime2121 −  Why does your wife want them adopted so bad? What does she believe she will receive as benefit to adopting? The kids have a Mother, they don’t need your wife.

Original_Clerk2916 −  Uhhhhh hate to break it to her but she IS a lesser mom. She didn’t raise them from newborn to now. She didn’t have the late nights, the exhaustion, the sacrifices, she didn’t birth them, and she didn’t bond with them from birth. They have a mom. Even though that mom may not be the same, she’s still their mom. They love their mom.

Letting your wife adopt them would be like pushing their real mom away and pretending she doesn’t exist. You can’t force a kid to feel like someone is their mom, and trying to do so would be a**sive and unhealthy. NTA. Thank you for advocating for your kids. Your wife isn’t being disrespected, she’s being disrespectful TO her kids.

Loreo1964 −  NTA. Their mom is a living , breathing, loving person in their lives. She was dealt a bad hand in life. She’s not a d**g dealing addict locked up in prison for life. Your kids aren’t looking for a new mom and they don’t want a FORCED adoption. She needs to back off.

Agoraphobe961 −  NTA. Two red flags:
1) “give them a mom back”. They have a mom, she may not be able to be the most involved anymore but saying this is like saying she abandoned them and had no interest with them anymore.
2) being considered a “lesser” parent because she’s stepmom and not mom.

No matter what she legally is, she will still emotionally be stepmom to your kids. That piece of paper is not magically going to change their feelings. If anything, it will make them less enthusiastic about her for steamrolling their feelings.