AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to make my stepsiblings lives perfect?

A 17-year-old girl has struggled with the dynamics of her blended family after her mom remarried. Her mom’s new husband has children, and the girl was expected to instantly bond with them and embrace the role of the “big sister.”

Despite the pressure, the girl has distanced herself, focusing on her own life, school, and work. After her mom’s marriage, the pressure to be close to the stepsiblings intensified. When the mom asked the girl to make their lives “perfect” by being more involved,

the girl expressed she didn’t want to force a relationship and just wanted to focus on her own life. Her mom called her selfish and said she was punishing them for the past. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my mom I don’t want to make my stepsiblings lives perfect?’

My parents got divorced when I (17f) was 12. Then I lost my dad to cancer two years later. Then my mom hid the fact she was dating someone from me and got close to his kids before telling me and she put the weight of her love for all four of them on my shoulders.

She told me she really loved those kids and her husband was this amazing person and how she really wanted us all to be a family and she needed me to love them too. She told me it would break her heart to break up with him, not be able to get married and be the kids’ new mom,

if we didn’t all slot together perfectly. When I told her it hurt that she’d spent so much time with them behind my back and got close to them before seeing how things would be with us, she told me she wanted to see if she’d do good with them first and I was old enough to take it all in stride.

We moved in together two years ago and it was ROUGH. Her stepkids got so used to my mom being there for them and only them that they were jealous of me. While I just don’t feel excited about a stepfamily. I know it happens, I know they can be real family for people.

But for me it just felt like these rando people were now meant to be my family and the kids were unpleasant to be around first. Then with therapy the kids became super obsessed with me and almost overnight went from wanting me to go away to wanting to be around me 24/7.

While things were still rough my mom and her husband got married. Now it’s messy because the kids are hurt I’m not the big sister they got excited for. I don’t play with them or share with them or take them places. I don’t bring them snacks when I get stuff for myself. I don’t help them with homework.

I work Friday after school and on Saturdays and Sundays so I get out of the house a lot, which is good for me. But it makes my mom be extra pushy about me taking time for her stepkids. And the kids will ask if we can have sleepovers in my room and the girls will ask if I can do makeovers with them.

My mom gets on me for doing homework and studying mostly at school so I get home late and when I go home to do it I retreat into my room and away from the kids. Yesterday my mom told me we needed to talk,

and she said she hated how her stepkids are struggling with the dynamic and she told me I could make their lives perfect by being the big sister they’re begging me to be. She told me they’re little kids,

all under 9 and and don’t have their bio mom or much in the way of extended family and we could give them an amazing life as a family. I told her I don’t want to give them a perfect life. I just want to focus on my life.

She called me unbelievably selfish and she said she was ashamed I was punishing them all still for having a relationship before I knew and that my lack of excitement for them was exactly why she kept me in the dark for so long.. AITA?

 

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

plantprinses −  Oh honey, the only one who was selfish was your mother. What she should have done was upfront with you about her dating a man with kids and about wanting to marry him. The fact that she hid that from you tells me that she knew that what she was doing was not okay.

She also should have asked about your feelings concerning possible stepsiblings. You are not required to love or even like your stepsiblings. After all, what do you share? You don’t have a shared history, shared parents or shared anything. Also, personality-wise, it’s simply not a match.

You’re not rude to them, you don’t b**ly them, you just live with them. That’s quite okay. Your mother has this idea of a perfect blended family, but she forgets that people, real people, are involved. If your mom wants the steps to have a perfect life, she or her husband should make it happen,

because they are the parents. Also, if they want your steps to have a perfect life, why can’t you have one? If your life is perfect the way it is, or near-perfect, what’s the problem? Don’t let your mother parentify you! You’re not punishing anyone; it’s just a stick your mother uses to beat you with.

Dear_Intention_4513 −  Why isn’t your mother concerned about YOUR happiness?

xanif −  INFO: she told me she wanted to see if she’d do good with them first . And why didn’t her husband see if he’d do well with you?

No_Hurry9076 −  NTA you are 17 almost an adult and can make your own decisions it’s not your fault your mom decided this all on her own and you can’t force relationships to happen.

It’s not your job to spend time with your step siblings if you don’t want to heck I would even tell your mom that her trying to force you will push you away even more then you already have. The kids wanted nothing to do with you and then everything to do with you and that doesn’t make a good first impression and will make anyone o**rwhelmed.

you have nothing in common with them since you are almost a adult while they are kids its not your job to entertain kids that aren’t yours your job is to focus on school and growing up into adulthood and maybe collage. If was your mom who wanted all this and decided to go through with it not you so she has to deal with it

Turmeric_Ping −  NTA. Your mother is disgusting. What kind of person wants a picture perfect family so much that they’d demand their child give up their life to sustain the illusion?

Agitated-Buy8146 −  Your mom is a trash parent

No_Cockroach4248 −  The selfish and m**ipulative person here is your mom. She hid her relationship from you, pretty much told you to s**k it up and accept having to live with a stepfamily and is now trying to manipulate you to play the role of big sister.

You are 17, the 4 kids are under 9, you have very little in common. Even bio siblings may not get along. The age gap between my siblings and i were less than 5 years, and as kids we were not close because we had very different interests.

Your mom choose to get marry her husband and accepted the role as stepmom; you were not given a say. You live with them under the same roof but you cannot be forced into having a relationship with them.

I suspect your mom is finding playing stepmom to 4 kids under 9 very overwhelming and tiring, she is trying to guilt trip you to share her childcare burden. When your mom got married 2 years ago, it was 4 kids under 7 and the newly wed bliss has worn off.

Your mom said it herself, there is no bio mom or extended family to share the burden Plan to move out as soon as you turn 18 and the money you make working, make sure it is in a bank account only you can access (if you need an adult to open a bank account, find someone you can trust)

74Magick −  Oh FML. She married that man and took on those kids, you didn’t. Keep doing what you’re doing. Take on more hours at work, study at school or the closest Starbucks, take up running, whatever you can to be as distant as possible.

When you’re home wear headphones in your room and lock the door so they can’t come in and you can’t hear s**t. Kind of “I can show you better than I can tell you.”. NTA

Actual-Clue-3165 −  Nta it was her choice to get in a serious relationship without including you, it was her choice to get remarried, it was her choice to add random children to your life. None of this was your choice, none of it is your responsibility.

If she wanted a big happy family, she should have considered you when she first started seeing the guy to see if you’d get along.

DinkumGemsplitter −  NTA, your mom is putting way too much on you. Take care of yourself and plan your exit.

It’s challenging when families blend, and the expectations placed on children can create tension. The daughter is clearly struggling with the pressure to bond with her stepfamily, especially when she feels it’s not her responsibility. Was her response unreasonable, or is she justified in wanting to prioritize her own well-being? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!