AITA for not treating my kids’ stepdad as their second dad or encouraging them to?

A Reddit user shares their dilemma involving their ex-wife and her husband, Jeff, who has been the children’s stepdad for most of their lives. While the kids have a good relationship with Jeff, they call him by his name and don’t refer to him as “dad.” The user feels it’s up to the kids to define their relationship with Jeff.

But their ex and Jeff want them to actively encourage the children to embrace Jeff as a second dad, involve him in parenting decisions, and share Father’s Day celebrations. This has led to escalating tensions. Read the full story below to see if the user is being unreasonable.

‘ AITA for not treating my kids’ stepdad as their second dad or encouraging them to?’

My ex-wife and I share two children. Our son is 9 and our daughter is 7. When our daughter was 8 weeks old my ex told me she was done with our marriage and wanted to divorce. A year later, and before our divorce was finished, she started dating her husband Jeff.

I do suspect they were dating before this and that was why she suddenly decided she was finished with our marriage but I have no proof and I’m not going to start a war over it either. I don’t think it would do any good for my kids. I can’t say I have ever wanted my kids to call Jeff dad too or to call us both their dads.

I have never said anything about this to my kids. I would never stop them if they did call him dad sometimes. From a young age they called him Jeff and say he’s their stepdad to others. That has not changed. This has bothered my ex and Jeff over the years.

Particularly when my kids get family tree assignments for school or get asked to write about their family. They don’t add Jeff to their family tree and when they talk about him in assignments about family they call him Jeff. They do seem to like/love Jeff and the relationship is good.

Which at least he treats them good and they feel that way. But it’s not enough for them and my ex and Jeff have been telling me I need to start sharing Father’s Day with them or giving them the Saturday before to celebrate with Jeff.

With Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, per our parenting plan, my ex gets the kids all Mother’s Day weekend and I get them all Father’s Day weekend. So Saturday and Sunday. This is something they feel has been unfair to Jeff and I said my ex should share Mother’s Day weekend with him if they feel like this.

There is a growing tension between us because they have said I need to start calling Jeff ‘dad’ to the kids faces. Like saying you’re going to your mom and dad’s house or going home to mom and dad. Instead of saying mom and Jeff. They say I should include Jeff in all parenting discussions. I should run things by him and not just my ex.

I should call us the parental unit and not just me and my ex. They said I should be encouraging the kids to embrace him fully as the third parent and second dad. And I said no. I told them that won’t happen.

They told me Jeff has been there since they were very young and he sees them 50% just like me and I need to accept the kids have two dads. I said I accept how the kids feel but I won’t encourage them to feel that way.

Jeff told me I was petty and that just because they provide them with a real family unit and I provide them with a single parent household doesn’t mean I get to be that way. He also told me he disliked me for putting the kids through that and how he wishes they were his so I would go away.

I told him to keep wishing because they’re not. My ex told me to think about if I died tomorrow and wouldn’t I want them to still have a dad. I asked her if she wanted me to go out and find them a new mom just in case. She got pissed at me for that. They told me I’m not putting the kids first and I’m an AH for not lifting up Jeff as a dad.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

viperspm −  You sure Jeff isn’t actually dad to the youngest kid? Maybe thats why they are so weird about it? NTA. You sound rational AF with all this

Ornery-Platypus-1 −  NTA. It sounds like Jeff and your ex are wanting to impose their need for validation/emotional expedience on your kids. If the kids organically grow to see Jeff as a second father over time, it’s one thing…this is not that. Odds are, the ex is pushing this and ‘ol Jeff is going along trying to keep his household’s peace stable.

Awkward-Tourist979 −  Making your kids call Jeff dad sounds like parental alienation to me.. It might be time to see a lawyer.

DreamyDaysie −  NTA. Jeff needs to stay in his lane. Being a good stepdad doesn’t mean replacing you, and your kids clearly know who their dad is. You’re respecting their feelings and letting them define their relationships. That’s real parenting.

kmflushing −  You absolutely should go out and find them a new “mom.”

CatJarmansPants −  So, the serious answer is to ensure that you have a legally binding parenting arrangement that deals with names, contact time and arrangements, and communications.

The marginally less serious answer is that you find yourself a wildly unsuitable ‘GF’, ideally one with a stripper name, and you ask your ex if, now Krystal is going to be in your children’s lives, she can half of the Mothers day weekend…

Communication is the key here – you need to be clear that you respect Jeff as a man and as a stepfather to your children, that your children obviously hold him in high regard, and that you’re grateful to him for putting in the effort – and that it will have been a difficult role for him to fill,

and you appreciate how he’s gone about it – but that you won’t be giving up being ‘Dad’ any more than your ex would be happy giving up being ‘Mum’ if you chose to remarry. If the children want to call him ‘Dad’ then they can do so, but that you won’t be pressuring them into doing something they *clearly* don’t want to do.

HacelHarmony −  NTA. Jeff sounds like he’s trying to force a role that the kids clearly don’t see him in. You’re respecting their feelings and their choice to call him Jeff. That’s putting the kids first, not Jeff’s ego.

Wrong_Moose_9763 −  They really think you should refer to him as “dad”? The entitlement is actually stunning with these two. If they keep pushing I would communicate only through a parenting app. Maybe they’ll think you are up to something, like going to an attorney. Have a great Father’s Day!

bookishmama_76 −  NTA – they don’t want you to put your kids first, they want Jeff to be put first. This isn’t about what is best for your kids, it’s about what *they* want. It’s time to tell them to drop this. What is important is raising the kids to be healthy and happy.

You haven’t told the kids not to call Jeff dad. If it happens organically then it is what it is. But forcing them to call him dad & to spend Father’s Day with him wouldn’t improve their relationship with him. In fact, it might even make them resentful.

doggysmomma420 −  NTA, but how would the ex-wife feel if you wanted to remarry and have the kids call your wife mom and celebrate Mothers Day with her? Include her in all the family planning because, you know, you’d be a family unit after that and not a single family household. 🤦🏻‍♀️

every argument your ex-wife makes can be used against her should you remarry. I don’t think she realizes that. But you are their dad. You are present and a part of their lives. You are most definitely NTA.

Is it wrong for the user to let the kids decide their relationship with their stepdad rather than encouraging them to treat him as a second father? Should they prioritize Jeff’s feelings for the sake of unity, or is the current balance fair? Share your thoughts and perspectives on step-parenting dynamics and blended families below!