AITA for expecting an apology when my inlaws are chronically late?

A Redditor shares her frustration about her in-laws’ chronic tardiness, particularly during holiday gatherings she spends hours preparing for. Despite repeatedly showing up one to two hours late without apology, her husband refuses to address the issue, leaving her feeling disrespected and unappreciated. When the in-laws took credit for her hard work at this year’s gathering, she felt it was the last straw. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for expecting an apology when my inlaws are chronically late?’

I have been married to my husband for fifteen years. In that time I have taken over preparing holidays for his family and our small family. His parents have always show up late to every holiday. Not 10 or even 20 minutes late but an hour to 2 hours late.

My husband and I have discussed that I feel it is rude and inconsiderate but he refuses to speak to them about it. Instead telling me I should just get over it. We had decided together that they would not bring any significant part of the meal, as they were always late.

This year was no different and my husband forgot that we had made that deal. So his mother was bringing mashed potatoes. He refused and acted insulted when I tried to purchase potatoes.

In typical fashion, his parents showed up 1 hour late. Which meant we had to wait for them to eat and the food I had spent all day preparing sat for an hour. They offered no apology and just became demanding at once. Wanting things cut and requiring I fetch things for them.

During the meal they thanked my husband for preparing everything. Which he explained that I did it all. They then said we’ll it’s a joint effort. Am I the A**hole for thinking his family owes me an apology?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Brooke74740 −  Do not expect an apology. I serve the food at the time I specify and latecomers can reheat theirs when they arrive. That said, since you have held the meal all of this time it is fair to give them a heads up that you have a new policy. Maybe this means that you eat alone for the first year. Everyone comes to my home on time

Interesting-Cut-9057 −  After 15 years you can’t talk to your in laws about this? They are assholes. Your husband is a wimp. And you are not an a**hole for having this issue, but you are sucking if you let it go on and just b**ch and moan and don’t change anything. You need to change what you are going to do if you want it to be any different.

Primary-Criticism929 −  I’m going with ESH. Your in-laws are rude and entitled. Your husband has no spine. But neither do you. How do you accept that behaviour those 15 years ?

Cold-Dragonfly-921 −  ESH. In-laws did what they always do (which sucks, but it’s insincere to be surprised/offended after 15 years). Why did you wait to eat? You know they are going to be very late. It’s like you wanted an excuse to get mad again, about an issue that is NOT new.

You cannot control other people, only your reaction. Set some very simple boundaries: meal time is meal time and let go of any expectations of change, because they obviously don’t care and you can’t make them care. Your husband is certainly welcome to wait to eat if he wants, I guess.

Right_Count −  ESH. Look, the in-laws get no gold stars from me. Your husband certainly doesn’t. But why on earth does the party start the exact minute dinner starts, especially when you know the in-laws are going to show up late?

They’re not going to change so either you do, or you just accept it. Or you can keep whining about it every year. I would suggest starting the party an hour or two before dinner with appetizers, cocktails, games etc. If they haven’t showed by dinner time, go ahead anyway.

owls_and_cardinals −  NTA but I think the bigger problem you have than the In-laws Problem is the Husband Problem. It’s good that he at least had the basic decency to give you credit for the meal but he is a massive part of why the In-law Problem still exists.

He is enabling them and dismissing your concerns, not to mention seems perfectly fine with your hard work being wasted by their inconsideration… he shouldn’t be ok with the disrespect they are showing you. Their insistence on not recognizing or acknowledging you (your efforts) is also a piece of the puzzle.

They don’t respect you. They don’t seem to have much respect for him but since he goes along, they act slightly more favorable to him. To me, he’s being spineless. I would tell him you won’t be hosting holiday gatherings for his family any longer until he agrees to actually take action to get them to approve, and then hold your ground.

I see no reason why this should be your job, when they can’t do the bare minimum to show up and express gratitude. His refusal to accept any criticism of them (being offended when you consider buying back up potatoes anticipating they’ll be late) is a sign of where his loyalties fall, which is disappointing for your marriage. But you don’t have to be subject to his and their disrespect.

lihzee −  ESH. JFC, just address it with them if you’re so upset. You’d rather just fume about it for another 15 years?

DungeonCrawler-Donut −  Stop pandering to them. Buy the potatoes. Eat at the time you specify. Better yet, since your husband is part of the problem, have him do all the cooking.

CPSue −  I firmly believe we train other people how to treat us through the boundaries we set and our willingness to enforce them. You know they are habitually late, yet you continually feed into the problem by not establishing boundaries. Here’s how you do that as the chief cook:

“We’re meeting at noon. Dinner will be served at 1pm. We will be starting dinner on time, so if you’re late, you’ll have to serve yourself with the leftovers.” Or if they are making you late to go somewhere:

“We are meeting at 12:45. The car leaves promptly at 1pm. If you’re not there and ready to go when we’re ready to leave, we’ll assume you’re finding your own way.”

Then follow through. Every. Single. Time. No, you don’t heat the food up for them. You point them to the kitchen so they can help themselves because your job is done for the day. If your husband doesn’t like it, he can get his b**t off of the couch to serve his parents and keep them company at the table while you go about your business.

They’ll either figure it out or always get cold or reheated food from their son. If you’re meeting them at a restaurant, you order yourself food fifteen minutes after the agreed upon meet time. Yes, they’ll be angry. They’ll act aggrieved. Let them. Your response is a passive “I’m not interested” facial expression as you refuse to engage in the debate.

As for your husband being insulted about your having potatoes as a back up, he gets no vote since he’s a spineless wuss that doesn’t set appropriate boundaries for his parents.. ESH.

ElmLane62 −  NTA. The way to deal with chronically late people is to GO ON WITH YOUR PLANS. His parents are late – eat without them. And do not assign them any food, ever, except dessert. Maybe they will get the point if they arrive after everybody else has eaten.

But your in-laws are AH and so is your husband. He wouldn’t let you go on without his parents being there. His parents actually thanked your husband and refused to admit that YOU did the majority of the work. I actually would stop hosting his side of the family. If your husband wants to host, let him but don’t help one little bit.

Should the in-laws apologize for their chronic lateness and lack of consideration, or should the user let it go and focus on enjoying the holidays? How would you handle this situation? Share your thoughts below!