AITA for not taking my child to daycare when it’s a 20 minute drive in the same direction my wife travels?

A Redditor shared their frustration over a disagreement with their wife regarding daycare drop-offs. Despite being at home with their newborn on nights off, the Redditor resists taking the baby to daycare on their wife’s workdays, as the daycare is a 20-minute drive in the same direction she travels.

The wife frequently runs late, prompting her to ask for help with drop-offs, but the Redditor feels it’s unfair to use their only vehicle for a trip she’s already heading toward. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not taking my child to daycare when it’s a 20 minute drive in the same direction my wife travels?’

I work a 2 day on-2 day off/three day weekend on-three day weekend off schedule at nights. On days I’m off, I tend to our newborn (almost 5 months old) at night so my wife can rest.

However, my wife can never seem to get up on time, and asks me to take our baby to daycare for her. Mind you the daycare is 20 minutes away in the direction she’s already traveling.

She has a work vehicle that she’s allowed to use to transport our baby, but she insists I take him, because she’s always running late. AITA for not wanting to spend our gas and mileage on our lone vehicle when she’s already heading that way? I’d understand it if she was late rarely, but it’s almost always. And then I get accused of doing the bare minimum.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Conscious_Cat_6204 −  It makes more sense for her to take baby if she’s already going that way, but it’s so hard to get yourself and baby ready for work at the same time.  Could you get the baby and her lunch ready so she has less to do in the morning?  If you don’t already that is – it’s unclear from your post who does it now.. EDIT: NTA

cosmicstrawberryblue −  INFO 1: you say you tend to the newborn at night on the days you are off. Who tends to the newborn at night on the nights when your wife has to be up for work the next day (and you are working the night shift so are unavailable to help)? Is your wife the default?

i.e. are you getting a full day’s sleep and then get to go to work fully rested, but she is getting woken up all night every time you’re working night shift and she still has to go to work the next day? Could this be impacting her ability to function well in the mornings?

INFO 2: Even if it’s in the same direction, it could have an impact on her total commute time. How long does it *actually* extend her commute to do the drop off? Let’s say she has an hour long commute to work, and the daycare is in the “same direction,” but actually she has to make a 10 minute detour to get off the highway, drive through the neighborhood, do the drop off, and then 10 minutes more to get back on track.

That’s 20 extra minutes she has to spend each way doing the drop off/pick up. So at that point, you’re valuing your 40 minutes of free time over her 40 minutes of commute time each day.

INFO 3: Is she the one who gave birth to the baby? If so, your wife may still be recovering from birth and struggling to get her energy back up. Even if you doing daycare drop off is not a great option in the long term, she just gave up 9 months of her body and health to bring this baby into the world.

She’s probably exhausted and completely depleted of nutrients. At least you got a running start when baby was born of good health/not being depleted of energy due to pregnancy. As someone who is currently pregnant, I can tell you she started out completely sleep deprived, in pain, and low on vital nutrients that give her energy before the baby even arrived.

If you started at a 100, she started at a -100, and it will take time to get back up out of the hole. If I were her husband, I would be bending over backwards to help her recover, even if it makes more sense logistically for her to expend the effort doing the daycare drop off.

INFO 4: Is it possible that there is a reason aside from pure logistics that dropping off your infant is hard for her? Was she only able to take a very short maternity leave and now is being required to return to work before she feels ready? Is she experiencing postpartum depression or anxiety? Could she be experiencing the very normal hormone d**p that happens after giving birth and is struggling emotionally with leaving her infant with strangers?

INFO 5: Is her income important to the family? If so, then consider whether this is a hill to die on. If she genuinely is struggling right now to recover after giving birth and get your newborn to daycare and make it to work on time, then wouldn’t it make sense to inconvenience yourself for 40 minutes a day on your days off to make things a bit easier for her until she has had more time to adjust/recover to life with a baby?

INFO 6: Does your wife ever get alone time in the house and get to send the baby to daycare on her days off? Assuming she works a “normal” M-F schedule, which is how most daycares operate, it would seem you have a benefit of your days off being baby free, while she still has to spend her days off tending to the baby. It might make sense for you to put in a little more effort into the daycare drop off/pickup to try to make up for that discrepancy.

BartokTheBat −  YTA for a couple reasons. Working nights means that your wife is spending long stretches of unsociable hours with the baby. That means if the baby has a bad night she’s in that alone. Can’t call a friend or a family member at 3am to vent. Her partner isn’t there so she can tap out either.

You only get the baby ready on the days you’re not working meaning she’s also getting the baby ready the days that she’s just spent the entire night alone. Yes it’s very tiring to come off a night working but most people don’t immediately go to bed after their shift. Unless you’re coming in the door and immediately crashing out, you’ve got time to help.

You’re both working – why does she have to do all the childcare on days she’s working without support if you’re also working? There should be a daycare schedule where 3 days a week she does the school run and 2 you do. Lighten the burden a little on your wife. I know logistically it doesn’t make sense since shes going that way too but sometimes marriage and parenthood is about supporting your partner even when a different decision is more “logical”.

Additional-Breath571 −  You only get up with the baby at night when you’re off the next day? So your wife works and gets up most nights? Of course she’s tired. If you’re home, why is the baby going to daycare anyway?

International-Fee255 −  Info: has she always had trouble getting up or is this now because of the baby? 

DemenTEDBundy85 −  I don’t think anyone is the a**hole here because I see both point of views . I understand not wanting to make an unnecessary trip but I also understand her perspective.  She’s running late for work and could get in trouble and she needs your help.  However I also get that it is frustrating when someone is late consistently 

Mother-Huckleberry99 −  soft YTA, if you’re taking about mornings where you’re not working and did not work the night before, because there’s a lot more than “transport” that goes with getting the baby to daycare. It’s more than just gas and mileage. It’s preparing the baby, remembering the stop, remembering taking the baby out.

If you’re home anyway, why can’t you take the baby? Also your phrasing also makes you a bit of an AH – “take the baby FOR her.” “Tend to put newborn … at night so my wife can rest.” It’s your baby too, right? You tend to your newborn because that’s your responsibility, not to do your wife a favor. You need to reframe your thinking.

Work or not, the baby is both of your responsibility. Is your wife only tending to the baby on her days off? Only on evenings where she did not work that same day and/or doesn’t have to work in the next few hours? If not, you’re being an AH.

you didn’t say you don’t wanna take the baby cuz you’re exhausted, need to sleep, etc. it reads as if you don’t want to take the baby because you THINK it’s a responsibility that should fall on your wife. And that’s wrong. Families have different needs. She might need more grace in the AM just like you get grace when you’ve worked a night shift (it sounds like).

grandoldtimes −  YTA for not taking baby on your off days. I am still bitter at my ex husband for pulling this type of thing 12+ years ago. My ex worked very part time and from home, I worked FT out of home and breadwinner.

when my oldest was a baby I was expected to drive my son 20 min past my office to his parents house 3x a week, because I was already heading out so he did not see the need for him to take him. despite his parents watching our son for the purpose of my ex having the day free.

f**k that. still bitter. with my 2nd at least the child care was on the way but I was still expected to get the baby up, pack the bag and get him to daycare. then this mf’er had the gall to claim SAHD status in divorce to try to get more custody and child support from me. my response to the mediator was “we sure did pay a lot for surrogate care for him to be a SAHD” needless to say we are 50/50.. so yes, on your days off YTA

Informal_Sky_7866 −  At first I was totally with you but then I saw your comment about how you TRY to help with the household on your days off, that coupled with the fact that your wife says you are doing.

The bare minimum leads me to believe you aren’t pulling your fair share and worse your wife just had a baby you cannot understand how difficult that is on her body.  Of course she’s running late she has to take care of you and the baby and work a job as well where you get to have baby droppped in for at daycare where you can sleep the TRY to help with house

StrawberryFrapp −  A frank and honest conversation about baby duties would really help this situation. A real critical look at what you do to take care of your child vs what she does would be beneficial.

I’m don’t have any insight into your relationship or how you split domestic responsibilities, so I can’t judge. It could be that she feels she’s taking on an “extra” responsibility of some kind and so she feels like offloading this “smaller” responsibility (dropping off the baby at daycare) is acceptable.

Is the Redditor justified in refusing to handle daycare drop-offs, or should they step in to help despite the inconvenience? How would you approach this kind of scheduling conflict in your household? Share your perspective below!