AITA for refusing to babysit after my sister demanded I stop bringing my boyfriend to family events?
A Reddit user shares a family dispute about boundaries and inclusivity. When their sister insisted they stop bringing their boyfriend to family events to avoid “confusing” her young child, the conflict escalated into a dramatic family-wide debate. Now, they’re questioning their own actions. Read the full story below!
‘ AITA for refusing to babysit after my sister demanded I stop bringing my boyfriend to family events?’
I 20M have been dating my BF, Ryan 22M, for about a year. My sister, Amanda (28F) has a 4 yearold Jack. After a family BBQ last month, Amanda pulled me aside and said “Hey just so you know it might be better if you dont bring Ryan to the next few family gatherings”
I asked her why, and she got all awkward, saying “Jack’s been asking questions about you and Ryan, and I don’t think he’s old enough to understand all that yet”. I told her we weren’t exactly putting on a Pride parade in her yard. We were literally just eating hot dogs and chatting with family. She replied “It’s just confusing for him. You know how kids are
I was mad but kept it together and said “If Ryan isn’t welcome, maybe I just won’t come either” She sighed and said I was being “dramatic” last week Amanda called me, panicked, because her babysitter canceled. I told her I couldn’t because Ryan and I already had plans.
She begged, saying she was desperate, and I finally snapped “Why do you want me babysitting Jack? What if I accidentally expose him to my terrifying gay lifestyle? God forbid he sees me and Ryan together” Amanda blew up. She accused me of using Jack to “make a point” and said “This isn’t about Ryan. It’s about you being spiteful. Youre punishing Jack cause youre mad at me”
She told my parents, and thats when real drama started. My mum called and said I was being selfish for letting a “small disagreement” ruin my relationship with Amanda. I told her it wasn’t small and reminded her of Amanda’s comment about “confusing” Jack. Mum brushed it off saying “She’s just doing what’s best for her child”
I said“What about what’s best for me? Why do I have to hide part of my life to make her comfortable?” My dad sided with me. He said Amanda was being narrow minded and told her “Kids aren’t confused by love theyre confused by people acting like it’s something to hide”
Amanda then put the drama into the fam group chat. my uncle said “its not h**ophobic to want to protect your kid from topics theyre not ready for. Why push it? This set off my cousin She said “If Jacks old enough to understand that Amanda and Mike are married,
then hes old enough to understand Uncle (Me) has a boyfriend” She accused Amanda of being a h**ocrite and called out my uncle too, saying “Let’s not make this about your own outdated beliefs” she also called Amanda a “stuck up b**ch” and my uncle called my cousin a “d**ma queen” my aunt chimed in on the family chat saying “I don’t agree with (Me) lifestyle,
but we should still support each other” my grandmother replied “Support doesn’t mean tolerating disrespect.” Amandas husband Mike texted me saying “Look I don’t have a issue with you or Ryan, but this is getting out of hand. Amandas just trying to avoid awkward questions from Jack, not insult you.” I told him, “Its already insulting. Would she say the same thing if I were dating a woman?” He left me on seen.. AITA?
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
[Reddit User] − NTA. If jack is old enough to understand a man and woman being together he’s old enough to understand a man and man being together. I am also gay and I would have said the same thing to my sister. It’s disappointing that this has divided your family, it really brings out their true colours. I think you should go little to no contact with your sister
Leading_Confidence64 − NTA but those family group chats sound hella interesting. Like a soap opera!
anitarielleliphe − I am shocked at the level of pathology it takes for your sister to take your personal disagreement, expand it to your parents and then take it public in a broader setting with the large family group chat. Her husband reaching out to you to tell you that “things are out-of-hand” when this is all his wife’s doing is really just icing on the dysfunction cake.
She and your mother are absolutely wrong, and your father is absolutely correct. A four-year-old will be the most empathetic, the least judgmental and the least confused about two people spending time together and showing they care for one another.
Your sister is the one much more likely to create confusion and sow seeds of future h**ophobic judgment within her children for how “she” is behaving. And, please, since she has made this a public discussion in your family, show her the results of that here. She needs to understand that her children are much more likely to be “damaged” by her decisions and parenting (or lack thereof) then anything you could possibly do.
Her behavior is appalling, and so incredibly self-serving when she suddenly “forgets” her concern about your lifestyle when she needs a babysitter. And then, to levy or attempt to levy feelings of guilt within you when you point out her clear hypocrisy is just really laughable if it were not so sad.
Since this has become a huge family ordeal I think a well-worded letter/email/chat pointing out all of these things is in order, but the last sentence should read: “This situation has been created and amplified by my sister, and it is up to her to rectify it through apologizing for her h**ophobic behavior, and rethinking her dynamic “boundaries” that seem to change when she is in a bind with babysitting.
cascadia1979 − NTA. What “awkward questions” are they talking about? It’s really very easy to explain to a four year old that grown adults can be in a relationship with each other, whether it’s a man and a woman, two men, or two women. I know it’s easy because I did that for my own child when he was little.
Jack can totally handle your relationship with Ryan, it’s the adults in your family who cannot. You are absolutely right to object and to not babysit if this is the attitude they are going to give you about it.
Tough_Crazy_8362 − Idk man, if a kid is old enough to process that men and women get together, then he’s old enough to process that same s** couples occur as well. Just because your sister isn’t ready/doesn’t want to explain it doesn’t mean she’s right.
I would be side eyeing her hard after those statements at the BBQ and going over every interaction I’ve had with her with a fine tooth comb, looking for other signs of homophobia. Is Jack in daycare? What happens when there are gay parents? I think being LC and not engaging with her socially (even to babysit) is a fair response to your sister.. NTA
Melpomene_Fox − NTA. The question is only “awkward” because Amanda made it so. I was around Jake’s age when I asked my dad what “homosexual” meant (some kids used it as a slur in the kindergarten playground). My dad answered “it’s when a boy is in love with a boy or a girl is in love with a girl”. I said “okay”, did not understand why this other kids said it like it was a bad thing and that was it.
If your family members want to make it more complicated, then they’re the problem. You’re not punishing your nephew for a disagreement with his mom, you’re refusing to help bigots. Bravo for standing your ground.
Reasonable-Coconut15 − “Daddy, why did M kiss R? They’re both girls!” “Oh ok buddy, sometimes girls like guys like mom does, and sometimes girls like girls like aunt M.”. “Do guys like guys too sometimes?”. “Yup!” “OK! You get to be the blue lightsaber this time!!” Actual transcript of my son and I when he saw his aunt kiss her girlfriend 20 years ago. It’s not hard and kids are fine with it. However, kids do pick up on adults being uncomfortable.
UnfairEntrance159 − NTA. Your dad and cousin said it perfectly. Children can understand gay relationships just as well as straight ones. Amanda sounds like one of those idiots who believe that children become gay if they’re exposed to them.
buttercupgrump − NTA. It’s like a 5 second convo. “Who’s that man Uncle OP brings with him?”. “Oh, that’s his boyfriend.”. “Okay. Can I go outside and play?” Boom. Done. Nothing confusing or difficult about it.
edebby − NTA. Such a b**lshit claim, we have plenty of kids (ages 1-10) in our family, and they perfectly understood the relationship between my SIL and her wife. No confusion, no awkwardness – they are the first to accept it with all their hearts once they felt the love between the two. It’s all in your h**ophobic sister’s mind.
asking you to not attend family gatherings is very insulting, and I would expect your parents to put her in her place and insist that you both come. TBH, I would suggest coming over to babysit WITH Ryan , and give her a chance to think about how she’s about to answer.
Was OP justified in standing their ground, or should they have handled their sister’s concerns differently? Do you think the sister’s request was reasonable, or rooted in prejudice? Share your thoughts below!