AITA for telling my mom she’s allowed to get married again but it doesn’t mean I’ll approve?

A Reddit user shares their difficult feelings about their mom’s choice of partner, a man who had a long-standing and mutual dislike with their late father. Despite acknowledging their mother’s right to remarry, they’ve made it clear they cannot approve of this relationship or accept the man in their life. Now, they’re wondering if they’re being unfair. Read the story below!

‘ AITA for telling my mom she’s allowed to get married again but it doesn’t mean I’ll approve?’

My dad died when I (26m) was 17. Now my mom has gotten serious with someone else. A guy my dad worked. This is a man who hated my dad and my dad hated him. Mom and I knew about it. There was bad blood for almost 20 years between them. And when dad died her future husband was the only person at the job who didn’t sign the card for us. And my dad would have done the same.

So for me, there’s a strong dislike about mom’s choice of partner. But they connected two years ago and both fell hard. She’s excited to marry him and have a future together. She even talked about “sharing grandkids” which I made a big face at and told her it wouldn’t be happening, which is when we talked.

I told her she can get married, and to whoever she wanted to, but the fact she married him is not something I approve of exactly and I will not allow him to be a grandfather to my future kids and he won’t be someone I try to get close to. Mom told me that’s unfair. I told her she can feel that way.

But that man hates my dad. My dad hated him. I said there is no part of me that wants him around. But I accept she does. I told her I had to come to terms with her choice in partner and I tolerate it. But I want him in my life as little as possible.

She told me he’s a good man and yes, it’s awkward with his feelings on dad but we shouldn’t hate him for it and he’s easy to love. I told her I’m not going to love and accept a man who hates my dad. I asked her how he’ll take dad’s presence being around all the time.

Including at my upcoming wedding next year. She told me it won’t be easy for him and that a lot of people are already against him because of his and dad’s beef. Mom got upset and said she really wants my approval of him and for him to be approved to be a future grandfather and FIL to my fiancée.

I told her I won’t ever stop her marrying him but I won’t approve. She’s angry and upset with me. She said she wants to share all this with him and she deserves it even if I don’t think he does.. AITA?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

InvisibleBlueRobot −  Anyone else wondering why OP’s dad and this guy hated each other?. Any chance it had to do with Mom?

Perfect_Ring3489 −  Nta. You told the truth. Its an odd situation. She can be happy, doesnt mean you have to pretend.

Remarkable-Pace8542 −  NTA. Has it even crossed your mom’s mind that this man may be getting off on the fact that he’s getting to sleep with his enemy’s wife? Like he’s somehow won and got one over on your dad. Sorry I know that’s your mom but we’re all adults.

SteampunkHarley −  Choices have consequences. Shes with the person her husband hated the most and she’s surprised you and others aren’t cool with it? That’s not how it works. He’s probably only with her to pull one over your dad, on last time

Zealousideal_Mood118 −  I think you are handling this maturely. You told her you accept she is an adult with the ability to choose her partner, you just won’t engage. You didn’t give her an ultimatum. We all have the freedom of choice, not the freedom from consequences.

Thistime232 −  Why did they hate each other?

Common-Ad718 −  NTA. Basically your mom wants you to publicly “approve” her new husband so everyone who also doesn’t like him for the same reasons as you (really valid by the way); so she can say see my son likes him please like him too, and make everything easy for him. Your stance is very mature. You’re not wrong to let her know what their future will be.

keephopealive4you −  NTA. It’s disgraceful that your mother wants you to allow your father’s enemy to take his place as grandfather to your children and such. She’s lucky you are even civil to him.

BigNathaniel69 −  NTA, normally I would say your dad’s memory and your mom’s love life are separate, but this feels targeted and intentional. Your mom is kind of a gross person, and I fully support your choices. You’re not telling her she can’t do it, you’re telling her if she does then you won’t be around ever. She gets to make the choice.

AnneFromBoston −  Did your mom maybe have an affair with this guy years ago? That’s the only way any of this makes sense.

Do you think the OP is justified in setting boundaries about their mom’s new partner, or should they try to set aside past grievances for the sake of their mother’s happiness? How would you handle this situation? Share your thoughts below!