WIBTA if I declined any future dinner invitations from my sister-in-law?

A Redditor recounts a tense Thanksgiving experience where their sister-in-law knowingly served a dish containing gluten despite their husband’s intolerance. While their sister-in-law is under significant stress caring for an aging family member, the Redditor questions whether it would be fair to decline future meal invitations to avoid any risk of similar situations. Read the full story below!

‘ WIBTA if I declined any future dinner invitations from my sister-in-law?’

It’s no secret that my husband doesn’t eat wheat or gluten. My brother asks if restaurants have any food he can eat before suggesting we go there. We bring our own dishes to home cooked meals if it’s something he can’t eat. He declines foods he can’t have and states it’s because of the gluten. He doesn’t make it his whole personality, but he doesn’t dance around it when it comes up.

For Thanksgiving yesterday, we volunteered to bring the dressing (stuffing) and some cornbread and so it would be gluten free. When discussing the meal prior, my sister-in-law asked if my husband was able to eat sweet potato casserole. We asked if it was just sweet potatoes and marshmallow. She said that and butter.

He said that he’d need to take some dairy pills first (lactose intolerant too), but otherwise it should be fine, and that dairy doesn’t make him sick the way gluten does. Again, reminding s-i-l about his intolerance. The day before Thanksgiving, my son wanted me to confirm there would be sweet potatoes because he was really looking forward to them.

I texted and asked, and she said yes, but she was adding walnuts as well. No big deal. So it came to pass that my husband got a serving of sweet potatoes. Something seemed off, so he asked if there was flour. Yes there was. And her tone seemed smug to both of us. Made an already awkward meal even more awkward, and we excused ourselves soon after.

Here’s where I’m questioning if I’d be an a**hole for refusing to eat there ever again. She’s taken on the majority of the responsibility for my aging mother. She has Parkinson’s Alzheimer’s Dementia. She’s been having more frequent and longer lasting episodes of confusion and anger.

There’s a caretaker there throughout the day, but she’s responsible overnight, which means getting up multiple times a night to change diapers or reassure and comfort. I know s-i-l is under a lot of stress. And it’s possible we misinterpreted her tone when she told us about the flour. So WIBTA if I never eat another meal there?

Check out how the community responded:

4th_chakra −  And her tone seemed smug to both of us. And it’s possible we misinterpreted her tone when she told us about the flour. I used to work in the food industry, and sometimes even with a lot of attention, some ingredients might slip our minds when it comes to other people’s food intolerances. It happens.

The other thing here is her involvement with your mother’s care: she’s responsible overnight, which means getting up multiple times a night to change diapers or reassure and comfort.

That’s a lot, especially considering it isn’t her own mother. So, she may be quite exhausted given the lack of sleep, and *she may also be harboring resentment*. Those can be a potent combo. So *potentially*, the inclusion of the flour in the sweet potato dish may have been intentional as a passive aggressive punishment.. So I’d talk to her.

But one of the things I’d bring up is acknowledging all the work she is doing for your mom, and how difficult and draining that must be. And then ask how you and your brother can help, because it’s YOUR mother. Take the burden from her, or at least lighten it.

I wouldn’t cut off dinners. Have a sit-down chat, and listen to her. Let her vent if she needs to. And find a solution going forward that can improve her mental health, while also including the siblings so that they are carrying more of the weight of your parent’s care.. If you don’t talk first, YTA

No_Cockroach4248 −  I am curious, why is responsibility for your aging mother falling on your SIL but her own kids, you and your brother not taking any responsibility for her overnight care?

Is your SIL also working part time or full time? Knowing how much she has on her plate, why did you not offer to host and you can cook food that your husband can eat? Your SIL is sleep deprived. Both you and your brother should be asking SIL how to reduce her burden.

ComprehensiveSet927 −  YWBTA. Flour in sweet potatoes is odd. She should have told you. Bigger picture: All 4 of you need to talk. Your SIL made almost the whole meal by herself while also caring for your mother. How are you and your brother helping? For example, why are you only showing up with two dishes?

pnwwaterfallwoman −  This woman is wiping your mom’s b** and comforting her through the night. Before complaining about anything, you need to step up and split those duties. It doesn’t matter if you have work in the morning, it shouldn’t be left to your brother’s wife.

Sue_in_Victoria −  YWBTA to make this a line in the sand, given what you know your SIL is dealing with. Her “tone” may have been “tired AF” rather than smug. You could do more to bring dishes that are safe for your husband to eat and not add to SIL’s mental load.

superjudy1 −  YTA if you do anything based on your interpretation of her tone rather than an actual conversation.

FutureOdd2096 −  This seems like a nuclear response. Especially considering that caretaker role she has. With that extra workload, I’m surprised she was even hosting. Instead of blowing up the relationship and never going over for dinner, why aren’t you offering to host so you have control over food?

Why stay quiet when she mentioned the flour, instead of mentioning something? It could have been an honest mistake and she didnt realize. Just talk with each other. If you didn’t say anything in the moment, left, and now will never join them for dinner get together, YWBTA. Also, I’m confused about why you are driving this boycott, not your husband who is actually impacted by this.

No_Magician_6457 −  I’m confused OP. Y’all are adults. Just have a conversation with your SIL about the sweet potatoes having flour in them

Competitive-Week-935 −  How about YOU go take care of your mother and YOU handle having thanksgiving and YOU worry about all the dietary restrictions YOUR husband has. This is a YOU problem.

InternationalTexan71 −  Info: How did your brother react to this? Did you remind her that you had asked ahead of time?. Was anything else said?

Would the Redditor be justified in avoiding meals at their sister-in-law’s home, or should they give her the benefit of the doubt considering her stressful circumstances? How would you handle this situation with a family member who disregards dietary restrictions? Share your thoughts below!