AITA for not prioritizing my girlfriend’s tradition during Thanksgiving?

A Redditor (26M) and his girlfriend (25F) visited his family for Thanksgiving, where a conflict arose over her tradition of eating Chinese food on Black Friday—a custom tied to memories of her late grandfather. Although the Redditor initially dismissed her request to honor this tradition, he suggested moving it to Sunday to accommodate his mother’s wishes for everyone to eat leftovers together.

On Friday, when she expressed disappointment, he offered to go out, but she declined, citing a big breakfast. Later, she shared that the tradition is deeply meaningful and felt dismissed. The Redditor now wonders if he failed to prioritize her feelings or if this was a miscommunication. For the full story, read below…

‘ AITA for not prioritizing my girlfriend’s tradition during Thanksgiving?’

My girlfriend (25F) and I (26M) visited my parents for Thanksgiving, staying from Wednesday to Sunday. A couple of weeks ago, she told me she likes to get Chinese food on Black Friday because her family used to do that, and it’s a tradition she doesn’t get to do anymore.

Initially, I dismissed it, saying we should eat leftovers since my mom likes us to stick around and eat with everyone. I also didn’t want to leave others out. But she convinced me it was important, so I told my mom on Wednesday night that we wanted to go out on Friday. My mom was visibly upset. I looked to my girlfriend and asked if we could move it to Sunday instead. She agreed.

Fast forward to Friday around 4:30 pm, and she told me she was upset that I didn’t care about her feelings. I was confused because I thought we had resolved it by moving it to Sunday. She said she still wanted to go out on Friday, so I said, “Let’s go.” But then she said she didn’t want to go anymore because she had eaten a big breakfast. I suggested we get takeout later, but she said it was fine, and we didn’t go.

Later in the car, she had a mature conversation with me about needing to learn how to let things go, and I thought that was the end of it. However, this morning (Sunday), she brought it up again and said she was still upset that I “dismissed her feelings.”

She also revealed that this tradition is tied to her late grandfather, who passed away three years ago, and that’s why it’s so meaningful. She said she thought we were making fun of her for wanting Chinese food, which we weren’t. I told her I wished she’d said something earlier because we absolutely would have gone if I’d known how important it was to her.

She says she’s not mad at me now, but I still feel like she is. She also said I should’ve “read between the lines.” I feel like I tried to make it work on Friday and genuinely thought we had a plan for Sunday. Did I mess this up? AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

ThePhilV −  Initially I was going to say you weren’t in the wrong, but after rereading it, I have to say YTA. First off, you initially dismissed her tradition, expecting her to completely abide by your family’s traditions and schedules. You just…don’t get to do that.

She’s a human being with an actual past, not some prop that was created just to fulfill a role in your life. Then, when you guys did come to a compromise, you let your mom emotionally manipulate you into doing what she wanted, and disregarding what your girlfriend wanted YET AGAIN.

Trust me on this, man – you CANNOT let this become a thing. I have two sisters, and both left their husbands in large part because the husband’s moms would not get the f**k out of their relationships. They constantly forced their sons to choose between their moms and their wives, and my sisters finally had enough of being put last.

Your mom absolutely must accept that your life isn’t going to be devoted 100% to her any more, unless she’s happy to torpedo every relationship you have. If you’re not ready to make that decision, you’re not ready to be in a relationship.

ETA: A lot of people have been saying that he eventually agreed to go, but that was after he initially completely dismissed it (his words) and she had to explain to him that it was important to her. He then put her in a situation where she basically had to acquiesce to his mom by putting her on the spot, and when she later tried to explain that she felt unheard and wanted to have a conversation about that, that’s when he agreed to go again.

As I said to another comment: Every time he acknowledged her feelings, she had to get upset first. That’s not how a healthy relationship works. She shouldn’t have to get emotional to be heard.

lmchatterbox −  YTA. Your mom got you from Wednesday to Sunday. You did actual Thanksgiving with your family. Your girlfriend asked for one meal in a 4-day span to do something very important to her with *you.* Then you immediately caved to your overbearing and needy mother as soon as the subject was breached.

You let your girlfriend know exactly where she stands in your life, and she is not a priority. Unless she wants to be subordinate to your mother for your entire relationship, it sounds pretty doomed.

Kasparian −  I mean, I think she made it pretty clear from the outset that it was important to her. She shouldn’t have to pull the dead relative card for it to matter to you. Your mom being visibly upset because she couldn’t monopolize your time for the entire day is ridiculous. It takes an hour or two to go out and get lunch or dinner at most.

Regardless, your girlfriend didn’t handle the I’m not mad/I’m mad thing well, and she needs to communicate more effectively too. That being said, I imagine between you downplaying what she wanted and your mother visibly seething that she felt uncomfortable saying that it really mattered to her again.

k23_k23 −  YTA. “I feel like I tried to make it work on Friday” .. What a ridiculous statement. NO, you did NOT. You knowingly broke your word to your gf and put her on the spot. So you had an agreement with your gf, and threw her to the wolves. **Instead of keeping your promise, you put your gf in a situation where it was impossible for her to say NO, and pretend she agreed.

” I told her I wished she’d said something earlier because we absolutely would have gone if I’d known how important it was to her.” .. what an AH you are. She HAD told you, you just dismissed it. You put a massive strain on oyur relationship, and it will need a lot of doing better to have a future together. If you can not learn to say NO to your mom, you won’t be able to have ANY relationship, be it her or another girl.

Worth-Season3645 −  YTA…What exactly did she need to do more to make it clear to you that this tradition was important to her? You did what you wanted and what was important to you and your family, what you have always done. You have a girlfriend now. It is not all about you anymore. You were with your parents until Sunday. Plenty of time to do leftovers. You could have either gone out to get Chinese food or had take away with everyone.

When you merge families, holidays and traditions, it is all about compromise. For all involved. I realize your parents are used to their way, but it would not have killed them to include someone who might become part of their permanent family someday.

pnwwaterfallwoman −  YTA, she mentioned it weeks ago, and you dismissed her. She reminded you that it was important to her, but your mom was visibly upset that you weren’t exclusively going to eat her leftovers. She spent FIVE days with your family and wasn’t allowed to choose what she ate for one single meal. You put her on the spot in front of your mom and then claimed that she should have just said something?!?! Now you’re wanting sympathy because you feel bad.. YTA, and not a great partner.

Victor-Grimm −  YTA-You lost all credibility when you asked her to change the day in front of your mom instead of in private. You caved to your mom like a little kid. This girl may d**p you pretty easily because you can’t have a discussion with mommy about things important to your girlfriend. In case you are wondering if this was one of those times “is this a test”. Yes it was my friend and you failed.

SparklyIsMyFaveColor −  “Initially I dismissed it because my mom likes…” Therein lies the problem, IMO. Many people don’t realize they’re being dismissive or saying no until they determine it’s important (i.e. once you realized it was tied to her late grandfather). Isn’t the fact that she asked you enough to prioritize her feelings over your mother’s? There’s the screwup.

I would just talk to her about how you’re sorry and will try to be more cognizant of her feelings in the future because she shouldn’t have to make a big deal of it for you to listen and care. That women have to is how we get the reputation for being overly emotional or nags.

mlc885 −  My mom was visibly upset. I looked to my girlfriend and asked if we could move it to Sunday instead. She agreed.. YTA. You picked your mother over your partner. Why was your mom upset?

KittyJCaboose −  YTA, seems like you didn’t mean to be, but you messed up a few times over here. She told you take out was a tradition her family did, you initially dismissed it. That right there should tell you enough that it’s important, she shouldn’t have had to elaborate more, but you could have asked yourself.

Just because family members are alive or passed away doesn’t change that it’s a family tradition, just since someone has passed its heavier. Did you not know of her grandfathers passing?

Yall are whole ass adults and when you told your mom that you’re doing something to honor your partners tradition, if she gets upset thats damage control you’re expected to do, that’s your mom. Did you explain to your mom that this is part of your partners tradition? Or did you just say they wanted take out and left it at that? She potentially didn’t want to say anything until Sunday to keep the peace while you’re staying with your parents.

If she were to complain, stand up for herself and wants, or just straight up lett on her own, she probably would have been looked down on by your family and creating drama. It was your job to defend your partner here and the things important to her, and you failed. Most likely because you felt it was a non issue since as you stated you dismissed it entirely right off. Reading between the lines wasn’t the issue, you should have asked if you know so little about her family.