AITA for refusing to invite my fiancé’s childhood friend?

A Reddit user faced a dilemma while planning her wedding after deciding not to invite her fiancé’s childhood friend, Melissa, due to past hurtful comments Melissa made about her and their relationship.

Despite Melissa’s close ties to their families and her public display of support, the user learned through credible sources that Melissa had been undermining her behind her back.

While her fiancé cut ties with Melissa, his family urged her to “be the bigger person” and avoid creating drama by inviting Melissa. Read the full story below to see the complex dynamics at play.

‘ AITA for refusing to invite my fiancé’s childhood friend?’

I (24F) recently got engaged to my fiance, Matt (23M) and we are in the process of planning our wedding. When the topic of the guest list came up, I told him I would not be okay with inviting his friend Melissa (24F). To give some back story, Melissa’s family and my fiancé’s family have been super close since they were toddler.

And although I might sound like an insecure girlfriend right now, I’d like to think I have a valid reason to dislike her. To give some backstory, I met Matt and Melissa when we were teenagers working at a summer job. I became very close to the both of them and eventually started falling for Matt.

Melissa was aware of this as we would always discuss it and she would say how cute she thinks it would be if we worked out. Melissa eventually moved away for college and Matt and I became official shortly after she left.

Whenever we would post on social media she would be quick to comment and like everything, and whenever she was back in town we would have dinners with both of their families and she would always say how happy she is for us. Upon recent events, I discovered from several credible sources that she has been saying things about me.

“Matt could do better, she’s u**y, they won’t last, I bet she’s cheating (because I went on a ski trip with my girl friends)”. When I told my fiancé all of this, he cut her off but did not confront her. He said it was for the sake of their parents and siblings to not cause any drama.

I was hurt that he didn’t stand up for me but I also chose to respect his wishes and keep it away from everyone else. But for my wedding, I think I have an excuse to be a little selfish since it is half about me. Why would I invite someone who secretly spites our relationship?

When his mom found out about all of this, she didn’t outwardly say she wanted me to change my mind but she did try and persuade me by saying “be the bigger person and show them that her words mean nothing to you” and she does have a point that Melissa’s absence will be noticed by many and will raise questions.

I don’t want drama and I don’t want gossip but at the same time it hurts my morals to invite someone just to please others. Am I the a**hole for not wanting to invite her?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

dazzlingmadelyn −  NTA, ngl, i get why you’re upset, like, if she’s been talking trash about you behind your back, that’s messed up. it’s your day, you shouldn’t have to invite someone who’s been shady, but also, i get how it might cause drama with the families.

personally, i’d probably stick to my guns, but i’d also have a convo with matt about how it makes you feel, and maybe he can talk to his mom more about it, so it’s not just on you

Zorbie −  NTA, she sounds like she’d make a stink if she wasn’t invited, and if the families aren’t aware of why she wasn’t invited, she’d have free reign to make up reasons why. Might be best to invite her, rub your happiness in her face.

And for a bit of petty revenge, make sure she’s sat near the most annoying family members, or is placed where she’d be last in line for the reception’s food.

ApprehensiveBook4214 −  YTA.  Not for not wanting to invite her.  If it’s true then you’re totally justified.  However YTA because neither you nor Matt asked her about it.  You’re relying on second hand conversations.  Matt is the biggest a**hole for not talking to his childhood friend before just cutting her off.  

Egbami9 −  You’re absolutely not the AH. It’s completely understandable that you wouldn’t want to invite someone who has been spreading negativity about you. Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to protect your peace of mind.

While it’s important to consider your fiancé’s family and friends, your happiness and well-being should be the priority. If your fiancé truly supports you, he should understand your decision and back you up. Remember, a wedding is a celebration of love and happiness. Don’t let someone who brings negativity into your life ruin that

MSK_74288 −  Is it worth meeting with Melissa with Matt and having a frank and open discussion as to why you’re hurt? What if it’s just gossip and it’s not coming from her?

But if it is why would you not want her to know that you’ve heard and don’t appreciate her n**ty comments? I think that personally I’d want to put it to bed as an adult and in a transparent way so that there is no confusion as to where you stand as a couple.

GabeBlue180 −  NTA. It’s not your responsibility to “be the bigger person” at your own wedding by inviting someone who—while may be an important person to attendees—had badmouthed you behind your back.

It’s obvious that she does not actually support this relationship and you do not need that bad energy around you on your special day. So what if a few rumors fly around? Let them. Your happiness should be valued above the thoughts and opinions of your guests and husband’s family.

L-Gray −  NTA. But I will say as someone who is currently planning a wedding, there are definitely people that I’m inviting that I’d rather not. The way I’m going about it is potential problem people are giving them essentially a chaperone.

For example, I don’t expect my dad to be civil, so I’m having my mom and best friend’s mom babysit him for the wedding. I also have other people that my bridesmaids know to watch out for, and keep on a tight leash.

So, you would definitely not be in the wrong if you decided not to invite her, but if you decide to for the sake of peace, there are options for making sure she doesn’t cause problems.

BoysenberryPicker −  I’m genuinely confused on why people assume allowing personal attacks & abuse is being the bigger person??
Someone has spread hateful things about you & your relationship & you did not engage nor publicly bash them.

post to your socials how evil she is, have set a healthy boundary by not engaging with them, had a conversation with your partner where they rightly chose to support you by cutting off contact (healthy communication) – all the very adult thing to do.

You ARE being the bigger person in how you’re handling avoiding toxicity in your upcoming nuptials. NTA & if someone comments on her absence your can simply state she had personal reasons/conflict that kept her from attending. 

wlfwrtr −  NTA You have a bigger problem than Melissa though. Your BF is refusing to stand up for you. Are you sure you want to marry someone who won’t have your back under any circumstances against anyone?

Jealous-Ad-5146 −  NTA – trying to f**k up your relationship by saying you were gonna cheat. I wouldn’t want her anywhere near my wedding or anything. Who knows what she might do.

Do you think the bride is justified in refusing to invite Melissa to her wedding, or should she consider maintaining family harmony? How would you balance personal boundaries with family expectations in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!