AITA for not giving back love notes to my late father’s AP?

A woman found love notes between her late father and his affair partner (AP) while sorting through his belongings after his passing. The affair had caused her parents’ divorce during her childhood, leading to significant family turmoil. She initially offered to return the notes to the AP, who repeatedly canceled meetings and ignored messages.

Frustrated by the lack of interest and the painful memories these notes represented, she decided to dispose of them. After learning about this, the AP expressed concern, questioning why the notes were being thrown away. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not giving back love notes to my late father’s AP ?’

My father passed in April semi-unexpectedly. While going through his things, my mother and I found a huge box with files/papers. Most of it was pictures or things and drawings from my childhood.

One large section of it however were love notes, etc. between my father and his affair partner, which led to my parents divorce in my childhood. From then on it’s really been my mom and I only.

I found out later in life that the woman who my dad was having an affair with was also married and even tried to get custody of me (my mother was and always has been extremely stable, and a more than fit parent).

I reached out to her to let her know my dad was dying then had passed, since I didn’t know if they talked to each other anymore. They kept in touch seldomly besides the few months following the divorce when they were dating.

I asked her if she wanted the file of notes and things that I found and she said yes and that she wanted to meet me. I agreed, and every time we planned to meet halfway (about an hour drive for each of us) she would cancel. Now it’s been months of excuses and no answers or communication.

The last time I texted her to once again see if she wanted it she ignored it but asked how I was and I said fine. Today, I finally decided since she doesn’t seem to care, and how much these material things contributed to hurting my mother and overall hurting my childhood and life, that I was going to dispose of the notes.

Now, she seems to care and wants to know why I changed my mind and what I’m doing with it/how I’m disposing of it. AITA for throwing away my dad’s and his AP’s notes and love letters?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

4th_chakra −  I agreed, and every time we planned to meet halfway (about an hour drive for each of us) she would cancel. Now it’s been months of excuses and no answers or communication .

I’m surprised you would even do that, considering the nature of who she was, and the impact that relationship had on you and your family. But you tried for months, when you didn’t have to. And she made the process difficult on top of that.

I think you attempted a very selfless act, to give some sentimental letters back to an old lover of your deceased father, and she squandered the opportunity. That’s on her. But this has also opened up an old wound as well, finding the correspondences, and then contacting the woman who your dad had the affair with.. Burn away. And let it go.. NTA

Kthaeh −  NTA. Personally, I would never have shown an AP the courtesy of speaking to them at all, let alone offering anything. Let alone for someone who tried to take a child away from a competent parent. You did more than could reasonably be expected of you.

And since she cancelled meetings multiple times, it clearly wasn’t a real priority for her to get these back. She’s lived her life just fine without them all this time. Block her and move on with your life.

thisismyburnerac −  NTA. You extended her the very kind offer, she has had several chances. Does she expect you to just hang on to these painful reminders forever, not allowing you to move on?

Longjumping_Win4291 −  NTA You made contact gave her opportunities to collect memento’s, but she cancelled. Just inform her you already tried to pass on the notes but she kept cancelling the meet up and failed to provide an address to post them to.

You have exhausted all your efforts to do so, so you just came to the conclusion they weren’t that important to her and disposed of them.

anitarielleliphe −  No, you are not the a-hole in this situation. You were extremely forgiving to even offer them to her in the first place, and since then she has cancelled every opportunity to get them. Honestly, I think you were too generous to offer to meet her an hour away.

At this point, I think you are okay to get rid of them, and her question about why you have changed your mind is pretty oblivious. You are trying to move on from your father’s betrayal of your mother as you grieve his d**th. She is prolonging that by her continual cancellations. Please tell her that and add that you are done.

Aware_Welcome_8866 −  NTA. Man, you went high, I would have definitely gone low. Why did you change your mind? Bc she kept flaking on you. It’s time to get rid of these painful reminders. Just be done with her.

A daughter is not expected to maintain a relationship with dad’s AP. I would burn the letters as it seems fitting to see their A go up in smoke, but remember I would have gone low.

DubiousPeoplePleaser −  She never wanted the papers, she wanted you. A living connection to your father. Block her and move on. NTA

Key-Chocolate-3832 −  NTA. But, I don’t know why you bothered to contact this person in the first place.

Chloet5759 −  NTA – You went above and beyond to get those letters back to her but she kept blowing you off. Enough is enough. I would take those letters, grab your mom and burn them in a fire pit in the backyard, and be done with them.

cppcrusader −  NTA. You above and beyond in taking the high road and offering this to her. With months of her canceling and not even responding until you said you’re about to trash them you are in the clear. If it will gnaw at your conscious, offer them to her one last time but do not meet her halfway.

Make her come the full two hour drive to you. Meet in 7-11 parking lot, give them to her and drive away. Otherwise, burn the notes, block her and start the healing process.

Is the writer justified in disposing of items tied to such a painful chapter in her life, or does the AP have a valid claim to them? What would you have done in this situation? Share your thoughts in the comments below!