AITA for staying in my room all day and not eating thanksgiving dinner with my family?

A 17-year-old girl skipped Thanksgiving dinner after her mother lashed out during a family argument. The conflict began while preparing for Christmas tree decorating, with the mother becoming frustrated and escalating the situation by hurling hurtful insults, including saying she “can’t wait” for her daughter to leave for college and struggle.

The daughter felt deeply hurt and chose to stay in her room, avoiding the family gathering. Her mother’s history of harsh remarks has often been excused by others due to her difficult past, but this time, the daughter reached her emotional limit. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for staying in my room all day and not eating thanksgiving dinner with my family ?’

About a day ago me (17F) and my mother (45F) were about to put up the Christmas tree when we got into a small argument. She had hurt her back a few days ago and told me that me and my brother would have to do the heavy lifting for the tree this year.

I agreed because putting up the tree means I get to spend time with the two of them watching a movie, baking cookies and decorating the tree. Yet when I get downstairs she’s immediately annoyed with me for coming downstairs “too late”.

I assumed that she was just in a bad mood because of her back pain but when I asked about my brother coming to help us so I don’t have to lift the couch by myself, she started to get an attitude, telling me we might as well not put the tree up if im going to be so difficult and annoying.

My brother comes downstairs and is immediately confused by her yelling. I decided to just go to my room for the night. When my dad comes home, my mother starts yelling to him about how both my brother and I are “leeches”, how I “bring out the worst in people”,

how I’m “hard to love” and how I can “shove the tree up my ass” (lol?) the absolute icing on the cake was when she said “I can’t wait until she leaves for college. I can’t wait to see her struggle”.

The next day was thanksgiving and I refused to come downstairs to cook or watch movies or eat thanksgiving dinner with them if she would be there. I stayed in my room the whole day, quiet and trying to be as out of the way as possible.

My mother has a history of making extremely mean comments but they’re always brushed off as “well you know she has issues from her childhood. Cut her some slack!” But I feel like her behavior shouldn’t be justified or tolerated.

The last comment about college hurt me deeply because I’m in the process of waiting for acceptance letters from colleges and as of right now I want nothing to do with her. AITA for not coming downstairs for thanksgiving dinner?

My brother came upstairs to tell me the food was ready but I told him I didn’t want to sit at the table if she would be there. her comment struck me as too far for the situation, am I wrong?

Edit: thank you for the very nice words and advice! It makes me feel good to know I’m not crazy to feel hurt. This story is basically just a screenshot of my life, I just want to be loved like everyone else. Thank you for listening, it’s nice to be heard 🙂

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Aware_Welcome_8866 −  NTA. Honey, I could never ever ever imagine saying such things to my daughter. But my mother could say such things to me, and as a single person in my 20’s, I was always trying to find alternative holiday gatherings. Your family brushes these comments off, but I don’t want you to do that.

Don’t ever think such things are normal bc then I worry you won’t expect better for yourself and wind up in similar situations. Saying you are hard to love is one of the most hurtful things a parent can say. I know bc my mom said that to me. I’m 62 and still have no self worth.. Take care, honey.

savinathewhite −  NTA. Cruelty has no excuse. I don’t care if someone hurt their back, or has a headache or had a bad day – cruelty is not ok under any circumstances. I’ve had plenty of bad days. I’ve hurt my back (made Thanksgiving dinner with a terrible back ache yesterday), but I’ve never been cruel.

Cranky? Grumpy? Short tempered? Absolutely. Never cruel. What your mother says was cruel, and that’s a whole different thing than just being in a bad mood. From the sounds of it, she’s been enabled in her cruelty by the other family members.

If she has so much unresolved trauma that she’s emotionally a**sive, then she needs therapy, not to be “given a break” … ie a pass on a**sive behavior.
I wouldn’t have participated either. Go to college. Get away from the abuse. Live your best life.

Ipso-Pacto-Facto −  Go to college, pick a very good major where you can support yourself as an adult, study hard, always always be saving a bit of money, work two jobs when you’re not in school. Have a nest egg for when you graduate so you can get an apartment.

Don’t party too much, don’t take risks with your life and future. Get therapy so you consciously don’t act like your mom. Start building your own life and stay out of her way. You can’t fix her and nothing you do will ever be enough. Go be fabulous and smart and don’t let her drag you down.

Cavolatan −  NTA, your mom was not only smack talking you but also actively wishing you ill. I’m sure she struggles herself and that’s part of what’s going on here,

but you deserve to be treated with love and respect and I don’t see who could blame you for not wanting to spend the holiday hanging out with someone who said they look forward to seeing you struggle in college. Hang in there! Come by r/momforaminute too if you ever need some internet “nice mom” support

RoxanneDebriss −  NTA. I love that cutting her slack for “issues with childhood” involves giving YOU issues in your childhood.

Joubachi −  NTA Long story short: Your mother is cruel, if not even a**sive. But I feel like her behavior shouldn’t be justified or tolerated. And you are a 100% right about this! Her past does not justify nor excuse her becoming cruel/a**sive, and it absolutely shouldn’t be tolerated.

gre0214 −  NTA. My mom behaved similarly when I was growing up, and the holidays always resulted in her throwing a tantrum and saying incredibly hurtful things. One Christmas, she said she wished she could put us all in the minivan and blow it up.

These blowups were always triggered by small things my siblings and I unknowingly did to provoke her, but the truth is that she was just looking for things to be angry about. Things got significantly worse as I approached college. I was the first in my family to go and the first to move away.

Despite being an honors student on scholarship, my mom tried to convince me I would flunk out. It’s all a control thing. They try to convince you that you won’t survive in the real world without them.

The truth is that surviving and thriving in spite of years of emotional and verbal abuse will make you incredibly resilient. This is all to say I empathize with you, and I wish you luck as you start college. You’ll be fine, and don’t let her words influence how you see yourself.

Personally, I cut contact with my mom ten years ago after a really terrible fight on Christmas. My only regret is that I let her treat me poorly for so many years.

hansenathelm −  NTA, her comments were out of line and it’s okay to set boundaries to protect yourself. You shouldn’t have to tolerate that kind of treatment, even if it’s family.

LightPhotographer −  NTA, your mother is way out of line. This is not cutting slack or boohoo, bad childhood, this is plain *mean*.

IzabooBunny −  You are not the a**hole

Was the daughter justified in taking a stand by skipping the family dinner, or should she have attended to avoid further tension? How do you balance standing up for yourself with maintaining family harmony? Share your thoughts below!