AITAH for Telling My Daughter She Can’t Bring Her Boyfriend to Thanksgiving?

A Reddit user shared their dilemma about banning their daughter’s boyfriend from Thanksgiving due to his repeated criticisms of family meals in the past. While the user wants a peaceful holiday, their decision has caused conflict with their daughter, who feels her boyfriend deserves a chance to be included. The family is divided on whether this was the right call. Read the full story below to decide who’s in the wrong.

‘ AITAH for Telling My Daughter She Can’t Bring Her Boyfriend to Thanksgiving?’

I (49F) have two kids, Mia (22F) and Ben (19M). Mia has been dating her boyfriend, Jake (23M), for about a year. I’ve met Jake a few times, and while he’s polite on the surface, I find him a bit… abrasive. Jake is vegan and extremely vocal about his food choices.

At nearly every family gathering, he’s made pointed comments about our meals, questioning why we eat meat or buy non-organic produce. At first, I brushed it off as youthful enthusiasm, but over time, it’s started to grate on me.

The last time Jake came over for dinner, I made a pasta dish with a side of salad to accommodate his dietary preferences. Despite this effort, he still managed to criticize the meal, asking why I didn’t use “real” Parmesan cheese (since authentic Parmesan isn’t vegan).

When I offered him dessert, an apple pie I baked from scratch he declined and said he doesn’t eat sugar because it’s “toxic.” He didn’t just decline, though he launched into a five-minute lecture about how processed foods are ruining society. The rest of the family was visibly uncomfortable, and I had to steer the conversation away to keep the peace.

Thanksgiving is a huge deal in our family. We host it every year, and I spend weeks planning the menu. It’s all the traditional stuff: turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie. I take a lot of pride in the meal, and I love how it brings everyone together. This year, we’re hosting about 15 people, including my parents, my sister’s family, and a few close friends.

A couple of weeks ago, Mia asked if Jake could come. I hesitated, remembering his previous behavior. I told her I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. She promised he’d be on his best behavior and wouldn’t make any comments about the food. I still felt uneasy. I know she loves him, but I don’t think she fully grasps how uncomfortable his attitude has made the rest of us.

After thinking about it for a few days, I told her no. I explained that Thanksgiving is stressful enough without worrying about Jake criticizing the meal or making anyone feel judged. I said I wanted this day to be about family, tradition, and enjoyment, not navigating dietary debates or awkward tension.

Mia was furious. She accused me of being unfair and disrespectful, saying that Jake is an important part of her life and should be treated as such. She argued that I’m making assumptions about his behavior without giving him a chance to prove he can behave.

I tried to explain that it’s not personal I just want to avoid conflict. But Mia wouldn’t hear it. She said I was being rigid and controlling, and now she’s threatening not to come at all if Jake isn’t welcome. Ben (19M), my son, thinks I’m overreacting and that I should just let Jake come. My husband is caught in the middle.

He understands my frustration with Jake but thinks banning him outright might’ve been too harsh. Now, I’m second-guessing myself. I don’t dislike Jake as a person, but his behavior puts me in a difficult position.

I don’t want to ruin Thanksgiving, but I also don’t think it’s fair to prioritize Jake’s feelings over the comfort of the rest of the family. Mia thinks I’m being unreasonable, Ben thinks I’m being too strict, and my husband just wants everyone to get along. At this point, I’m starting to wonder if I’m being inflexible or if I have a right to set boundaries in my own home. AITA?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Agreeable-Inside-632 −  Let him come. When he’s brutally honest, you be brutally honest in return. Tell him how rude he is, tell him he doesn’t have to come, tell him how uncomfortable he makes people with his sanctimonious lecturing. Tell him how he’s ruined every meal you’ve invited him to and how his behaviour is appalling. We’re all being honest and unfiltered now!

Not-a-Cranky-Panda −  Your home, your guest, your rules, his sandwich in his car. UPDATE : Sorry I was not thinking….. Your home, your guest, your rules, his sandwich on his pushbike.

ZookeepergameNo7151 −  NTA. She argued that I’m making assumptions about his behavior without giving him a chance to prove he can behave. You are basing your opinion on previous experiences with him at dinner,

he’s had several chances to not be a d**k but has decided that he’s one of those militant vegans who have to criticise EVERYTHING that they don’t agree with. People wanna be vegan, go ahead. You do you, but you’re in my house and repeatedly pull that s**t?? You won’t be there again

Marine_olive76 −  Mia is complaining in the behalf for Jake? She can cook then! Ben thinks that you’re overreacting? Good! He can help his sister! Full cooking and cleaning! Those who do not cook have no say in the kitchen. Shove whatever you have in hand to their behind if they complain one single bit. Edit: also, NTA. I hate people who complains about food, especially when they don’t even do the cooking.

EvilBill515 −  Reminds of the old joke: How can you tell if someone is vegan? Dont worry, they’ll tell you.

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  I say this as a very strict vegan: NTA. You went out of your way to make a vegan pasta, a vegan salad AND a vegan apple pie??? That’s above and beyond what most people unfamiliar with the lifestyle do, and you deserve props for that. (Usually, we vegans get nothing for dessert, lol.)

I’m also confused about the parmesan thing. He asked why you \*didn’t\* use “real” parmesan?! So, did you actually go out of your way and buy a vegan parmesan for him? If so, bonus points for that! And if he wanted dairy parmesan, then he’s a fake vegan and just likes to push people’s buttons and act superior or something.

His problem with sugar, non-organic food, processed foods and who knows what else sounds crazy extreme. If he had that many dietary restrictions, he and your daughter should have warned you about all of them before you bent over backwards to make him a decent meal.

Nobody can blame you for not wanting someone in your home who is going to belittle and lecture you about what you are serving them. Suggestion, though, just to keep the peace in what sounds like a divided family: what if he brings his own food and promises not to say s**t about anything?

(Edited to add, after someone reminded me in a comment below: real parmesan also has rennet in it, which is an enzyme from the stomach of a newly killed lamb or calf, depending on the brand. This makes it not only not vegan, but not even vegetarian.

This dude is definitely not really a vegan… maybe hiding an eating disorder? Or just being an argumentative s**t? Or maybe he’s a hardcore meat eater pretending to be the most oboxious vegan ever just to justify all the people who hate vegans?)

datalaughing −  If your priority is maintaining a relationship with your daughter, then you probably have to let him come. The suggestion many have made about making a rule that the first time he mouths off about the food he’s out is a decent one, but you’d still end up being the bad guy in your daughter’s eyes for kicking her boyfriend out.

You need a way to make his behavior reflect badly on him to her. So here’s my suggestion, tell her he can come but that she’s responsible for his good behavior. If he behaves, great. If he doesn’t, then you and/or one of several other people present will turn to her and say, “Mia, handle this please.”

It’s like teaching her responsibility with a pet. When it misbehaves, pees on the floor or whatever, she had to clean it up. She brings the angry vegan into the house, she has to keep him in check, and holding her to that throughout the event will maybe open her eyes to just how persistently insufferable he is, because she’ll be the one required to address it every time.

Chicken-Separate −  Invite him and make a drinking game of it. Take a shot every time he starts his s**t. By the time the night is over, you’ll be too drunk to care.

Happy-go-luckyAlways −  NTA – Why haven’t you already told him to STFU….

Kaleela_B −  Devil’s advocate: tell all attendees what to expect, invite him, and watch him set himself on fire. Do you have a vocal friend or relative that can shut him down? Argue with him? Tell him to shut up?

Do you think the user was justified in setting boundaries for their family holiday, or should they have given the boyfriend another chance to prove himself? How would you handle such a situation with an outspoken guest? Share your thoughts below!