AITAH for just giving up when my family dumped me for my ex-wife?

A 39-year-old Redditor shares their experience of being emotionally and physically abused by their ex-wife, Cindy, who manipulated their family into believing he was the abuser. After years of this, the Redditor’s marriage ended, and his family cut ties with him.

Years later, after remarriage and living abroad, his family reached out, still blaming him for not fighting harder to prove his innocence during the divorce. The Redditor feels justified in walking away and not engaging with his family. Read the original story below…

‘ AITAH for just giving up when my family dumped me for my ex-wife?’

I am 39 years old and male. My ex-wife, Cindy, is 38. Cindy and I met in college. We had a very dramatic relationship, with very high ups and very low downs. Cindy started struggled with a**oholism in her mid-20s, and this caused constant friction.

When we fought, generally over something that Cindy said or did, she would call her parents, my parents, or my sisters about it, giving a highly abbreviated version of what happened. She would beg them to “talk me down,” as if I was on the verge of abusing her.

They, without exception, took her side, and told me that I needed to “listen to my wife” and “communicate.” A few years before our divorce, Cindy learned that she could physically abuse me without repercussion. She would slap, kick, and throw objects at me frequently.

She would then DARVO me instantly: call my family, deny having done anything, and say that what she did I had done to her. I tried to deny the allegations, but eventually I learned it was all futile. At a certain point, I simply stopped engaging and would go for a drive.

One night, Cindy and I had a fight because she was getting suspiciously close to her co-worker. She hit me and called the police. I had to promise to leave to avoid arrest. This led to the end of our marriage at 31. My family cut contact with me, because to them, I was an a**sive monster who chased his perfect wife out.

I ended up leaving the country. I now live in Japan. I got married a few years ago to a Japanese woman, and when I told my family (more as a courtesy than anything), my mother made a snide remark about me wanting a “subservient” wife. Cindy also got remarried, coincidentally to the man we had a fight over.

And, well, Cindy had quite the weekend. My mother emailed a story about how she had gotten drunk, hit him with a plate (been there), gotten into her car, and then crashed into a parked car going twice the speed limit. She was arrested, and our families ended up pooling money to bail her out.

I just responded with “Yep.” My mother called me yesterday. I hadn’t heard her voice in years. She asked me if Cindy treated me the same way, which I affirmed. Instead of apologizing, my mother asked why the hell I didn’t fight harder and tell the truth, to which I responded “I don’t really give a s**t” and hung up on her.

Now I’m getting emails from the people I used to consider family. Some are apologetic. Most are not. They seem to think I should have “fought harder.” Was I an a**hole for not?

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Sad-Acanthaceae3366 −  NTA. It’s totally understandable why you’d just give up after all that. Your family was way out of line, and you don’t owe them anything.

Large-Client-6024 −  NTA. Just remind them you did tell them the truth, but they chose to believe Cindy. This is on them not you. Enjoy your life in Japan away from all those AHs.

guitfiddleonice −  Of course NTA. If your family is so toxic and myopic that they still refuse to see you as the victim of domestic violence, you need to go hardcore NC with anyone who can’t muster the decency to apologize. Even then, I’d be reluctant to let any of them back in your life.

Any-Expression2246 −  *”my mother asked why the hell I didn’t fight harder and tell the truth, to which I responded “I don’t really give a s**t” and hung up on her.”* Love this response. Let them find out more and more of who she really is/was. Let them get sick with guilt and remorse. They deserve a little taste of their own medicine.. Sorry, it happened though.

sanki4489 −  just enjoy your current life and forget about the past.

Economy_Mycologist68 −  NTA, it’s concerning that your family is asking you why you didn’t tell them about the abuse while they all come together to bail your abuser.

Just close this chapter of your life because even if they apologize, your family will most likely accept your ex back when she cries that she has changed and this will ultimately hurt you and your new family. Good luck with everything!

PhillyDillyDee −  Honestly? F**k em. NTA.

Excellent_Ad1132 −  NTA. Any i**ot who asks why you didn’t fight harder to explain, ask them why they believed her over you? Tell them that she got her lies out quicker than you could get the truth and since they flat out were to dumb to actually understand that there are always 2 sides do everything and didn’t even give you a chance, that you are done and don’t give a crap about what they think and that they can go to hell because you are done with them and their crap.

MariaLxa −  NTA, you did fight, but they refused to believe you, it’s not on you to keep proving yourself to people who already chose a side, they’re just looking for someone to blame now that the truth is out, you don’t owe them anything.

TPR-56 −  NTA. That’s the game of abuse. Lie, demoralize and isolate. Your family should be absolutely apologetic, not limited to saying they could have done more. When abusers demoralize you to that degree there’s not much you’re going to be willing to do.

Your family is clearly trying to lie to themselves to feel less bad about what they did. If they are going to do that it’s not worth talking to them.

Do you think the Redditor should have fought harder for his innocence, or did he make the right choice by cutting ties with his family after their lack of support? How would you handle being in a situation where your own family sided with an abuser? Share your thoughts below!