AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving for my mom?

A Reddit user explains their decision not to host Thanksgiving this year after feeling guilted into hosting previously. Their mother, an in-home caregiver, expected to bring the person she cares for to the dinner, but past experiences have made hosting overwhelming and stressful.

Instead, the user chose to prioritize a quiet holiday with their spouse and kids, leading to tension with their mother. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving for my mom?’

My mom had never hosted a family holiday. Ever. My mom is upset because I am not hosting Thanksgiving this year. My mom is an in-home caregiver for a severely mentally disabled adult. She chose to work this Thanksgiving because of the pay and just expected me to accommodate her bringing the person she cares for with her.

I told her I’m not hosting this year. My siblings are all attending Thanksgiving with their respective in-laws, my mom was invited but cannot take her person out of town. I was guilted into hosting Thanksgiving last year and my mom came and brought the person she cared for with her, and honestly, it was disgusting.

The person made a huge mess with food all over the floor (I have a carpeted dining room), was disruptive, and because of their disability had zero table manners (think 200 lb nonverbal toddler).

My mom was zero help, basically showed up, ate, made a mess, packed up some leftovers and bounced. I feel like this year she’s choosing work over family, and she has no idea how much money, time, or effort hosting a holiday takes.

She could have asked for the day off, hosted herself or asked to switch shifts if family time was that important to her. So AITA for wanting to have a small, quiet stress-free Thanksgiving dinner with just my spouse and kids?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

TheGoodJeans −  NTA. As someone who used to do what she did. It is inappropriate to bring your clients/charges to personal family events. The time you are there as a support of for that client, not for you to multitask. Your mom is in the wrong on *every* level.

Tdluxon −  NTA. What she’s asking for is not fair to either you or any of the other guests. If she wants to work on a holiday that’s fine but she can’t expect everyone else to shape their whole thanksgiving to accommodate her working the entire time.

wiltedwonderful −  It’s probably against the terms of her employment to have the client in her/her families homes (or interacting with family herself, *at all* while on duty except accidentally seeing them in public. It’s so unethical, I’m glad you said no and it sounds like a horrible experience for you too so NTA.

StAlvis −  NTA. She chose to work this Thanksgiving. Well *that* was unwise.

SpiritualAd5028 −  NTA. She shouldn’t be dragging her client out to family dinners if they are a disruption. Tell her you don’t want to host her client. Explain to her it would be best that her client spends Thanksgiving at their home. If she wants to participate in Thanksgiving, then she needs to take the day off, switch shifts, or stop by after her shift is over.

IllTemperedOldWoman −  Your mom is wrong and you’re NTA. She wants you to host and serve her client (who is unable to appreciate it) while your mom earns money attending your Thanksgiving and getting everything for free herself too, while also letting you do all the work and clean up afterwards. That’s a totally fair NO

Jacce76 −  NTA. But I am also sad for her client as it means that their own family doesn’t want to spend the holiday with them. Though having worked in the field.

I can also understand that it’s sometimes nice to have the family holiday without that added stress. Keep setting those boundaries. Also, even if you host in the future, tell her that she can not bring clients to your home.

R4eth −  Nta. How the f**k has your mom not been fired for pulling that stunt? Next time she tries it, report the incident to her employer. I very absolutely sure they would not like the fact that a am emoployee was taking a potentially dangerous client to a personal event. Her actions need to have consequences from now on.

Mysterious-Squash793 −  It’s unethical to bring clients to one’s friends and family’s events.

Grandmapatty64 −  No, you’re not at fault at all. Doesn’t that person have a family that would allow your mother to bring them to their house for Thanksgiving? It’s not up to you to accommodate someone like that. It’s something that you have to want to do.

The only thing I would do is when you’re all done pack up some food to take over and drop off to her. Maybe call ahead and see if she’ll accept it because I don’t know how spiteful she is. Don’t worry about it though you didn’t do anything wrong.

Was the user justified in setting boundaries to avoid hosting a stressful Thanksgiving, or should they have made more effort to include their mother? How do you balance family expectations with your own well-being during the holidays? Share your thoughts below!