AITA Because I stopped inviting my sister to weekly dinners until she can either parent her kid or stay quiet about it?

A Reddit user explains their decision to stop inviting their sister and niece to weekly dinners, frustrated by repeated conversations about the sister’s parenting struggles. Despite offering advice and support, the sister seems unwilling to enforce solutions, leaving the user feeling drained. Were they justified in setting this boundary, or should they have been more patient? Read the full story below to weigh in.

‘ AITA Because I stopped inviting my sister to weekly dinners until she can either parent her kid or stay quiet about it?’

I used to invite my sister “J” and niece “L” to family dinners every Friday, but J has begun changing the subject to her parenting struggles with L. Normally, I would be open to lending an ear and letting her vent. But it’s exhausting because now every conversation is a variation of the same two basic formulas:

Version 1: J: “The meds aren’t working because L stays up all night on her phone and then sleeps in class!”
Me: “OK, take away the phone before bed and don’t give it back to her until the next morning. Problem solved.”

J: “Well I don’t want to do that because then she gets mad at me!”
Me: “Then what do you expect me to do?!”.

Version 2: J: “L doesn’t listen to me, I’m always getting calls from her school because she gives the teachers attitude!”
Me: “OK, then you need to figure out and enforce a punishment because that is not acceptable behavior.”. J: “See, L? Auntie says-”
Me: “No, I’m not telling her to do anything. You’re the parent, not me. You need to tell her what she is and isn’t allowed to do.”

I told J that I don’t want to resume our weekly dinners until she can either parent L or stay quiet about it. I work long weeks and just want a pleasant and relaxing dinner on the weekend. What I don’t want is to be drained by parenting struggles when we can talk about anything besides that.

J lashed out, saying I know BIL isn’t around to help consistently, and I don’t care about her or L if I’m not willing to listen to her struggles. As I said, I am more than willing to let my sister vent and help her. But everyone has their limits. Especially when J doesn’t seem to want real solutions to her parenting struggles. AITA?

Check out how the community responded:

marshasaurus −  NTA. I think what your sister is doing is described in the book “Games people play” by Berne. I am not a psychologist, but I read the book and think it might apply. I don’t remember the specific game’s name, but here’s the gist: the person says “I have a problem, please listen to the problem and help me find a solution!”, then proceeds to reject every solution offered for various reasons, ranging from somewhat reasonable to excuses (e.g. “my daughter will be mad at me”).

The goal isn’t to find the solution, it’s to receive attention and sympathy without making any effort to fix the problem. It’s true that she might be just venting to you instead of looking for advice, but I don’t think that’s the case because you say it happens very often. It can be extremely frustrating being on the other end of this interaction.

However, I think if you start treating it as her just looking to vent and your support instead of jumping to brainstorm, the situation might become less stressful for you. At the end of the day, you sister clearly won’t apply the advice you give, so why bother. 

Whether this offense is worthy of banning her form the dinners is your choice. Theoretically you can find a way to talk to her without feeling like you have to solve her problems, but again, your choice. 

tinyahjumma −  NTA. This reminds me of when my SO was shadowing a pediatrician. He told the parents it was not a good idea to let the toddler have Pepsi in their sippy cup. The parents said, “he just gets so upset. We don’t know how to stop it.” And the pediatrician said, “like this” and pulled the sippy cup out of the toddler’s hands.

Pokeynono −  When people do this to me I now say “Do you want to vent, or do you want advice? “.Then I respond according to their answer. Venters get head nods, occasional murmurs and I wrap it up with a “Gee that sucks. ” to end the exchange. If they want advice all their statements get a question in return “X is misbehaving at school’. And reply ” that’s not good. What does the school recommend?

How have you tried to deal with this?” Instead of diving in with ” You should take away their phone, ground then for life , etc”. It makes it a whole lot easier and far less frustrating. The whiners eventually stop because you aren’t supporting their drama , and the you fix it people stop because you are continuing to redirect the problem to the person that has to solve it instead of offering solutions they reject immediately

thekermiteer −  “I’VE TRIED NOTHING AND I’M OUT OF IDEAS.”. —OP’s sister. Jeezus, that sounds exhausting.

goldenfingernails −  NTA. Been there, done that. It sucks when said parent, who is complaining about the poor behavior of their kids, don’t set boundaries or follow through on consequences.
J: “Well I don’t want to do that because then she gets mad at me!”. This is why she’s having problems.

onitshaanambra −  She’s talking like this in front of her daughter? Definitely stop putting up with it. That is so damaging to a child.

Lazy-Iron-3130 −  NTA I used to be in a similar situation but it was my friend constantly complaining about her cheating, g**lighting partner. It does make you feel like you don’t want to see them anymore because all they do is complain but don’t do anything about fixing the situation.

lilhappypumpkin1020 −  NTA..your sister is an askhole. She asks questions but doesn’t want an answer unless you’re doing the work or it involves zero effort in her part.  

WyvernJelly −  NTA My BIL is deadbeat and my sister parents more consistently. She did get the oldest (4) in therapy. She’s having some behavioral issues that are partially daddy related (aka daddy acts that way) plus she’s going to need it after/during the divorce. My husband who doesn’t sees her once or twice a week parents her more than her dad. He’s basically doing behavioral modeling.

She told me she hit the dog (who you could gently move away) because that’s what daddy does. Told my husband and the next time he caught her doing it they had a calm, quiet conversation. Said he doesn’t want to be friends with people who hurt dogs and he doesn’t want people who hurt dogs around our cats. Right now seeing the cats is huge for her.

LawyerDad1981 −  Stop offering her solutions, and change the subject. “Wow, yeah that’s tough. Can you believe Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg are actually friends?” Repeat as necessary. Even if it is a hundred times in a row. NTA.