AITA for telling my husband that I feel his family don’t ?

A woman shares her concerns about her in-laws leaving her and their children out of family gatherings. Despite being welcoming and accommodating during their visits, she notices that they consistently only invite her husband to dinners and outings, even when other family members are included.

After addressing similar feelings in the past, she feels hurt seeing this pattern continue. When she brought it up with her husband, he dismissed her feelings, claiming the invitations are purely out of convenience. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for telling my husband that I feel his family don’t ?’

Sorry this is my first post and English is not my native language, so hang in there. I (28 F) have been married to my husband (32 M) for ten years. We have 2 beautiful children. I get along really well with his family.

I always send them photos of our children and call them so they could talk on phone since they live 6 hours away. So, I mean I really don’t want to sound toxic or ungrateful… They come to visit once a month (their whole family lives here, it’s just them who live far away).

Our house is a 20-30 min drive away from where they stay. They always come to our house unannounced. I never complained to them, though I have spoken to my husband to have a word with his mom. They would come late like 11 at night, and would, in occasions wake up our kids.

I never wanted to make them feel uncomfortable, so I’d always put on a smile and in most occasions, invite them dinner, since because of the drive, they wouldn’t eat. My MIL’s partner, is really well off. However we never asked them for anything when they would basically invite themselves for dinner.

So, the thing is, since the beginning of our relationship with my husband, they would always only invite him for dinners and outings. It wasn’t till our first child turned around 2, that I had a talk with him telling him I felt his family was leaving my child and I apart.

Though they would visit, they would only ask my husband to go to dinner with them. After he talked to his mom, everything cleared up. Till this year. So my husband’s job is on the way to my MIL’s. Everytime they come visit they come to our home unannounced.

Then during that weekend, since it’s on his way, they always invite only him to their house. The thing is, that it’s not just him they invite. They invite my SIL and my MIL’s partner’s children and grandchildren. It’s just my children and I who don’t go.

However, they all live at a 10-5 min distance, it’s just our family who live a bit farther. So I told my husband I felt they always left his family behind. He got angry and said that they just invited him because it’s convenient and because it’s on his way. So AITA and should chill out, or not?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

[Reddit User] −  IDK if this is a cultural thing or what, but generally, families are not each given individual invites. Is this the case for the SIL or MIL too?
And even if it is, what EXACTLY is stopping you and the kids from tagging along?

IanDOsmond −  In my culture, North American, you don’t invite half a couple except in unusual circumstances. And not inviting your child’s spouse is extraordinarily strange, downright hostile. Both halves of the couple don’t have to accept – there are plenty of times where one person is working, or one person has to take care of the children.

Heck, my wife is just plain so much of an introvert that she will often stay home just because she’s not able to deal with people that day. But she always, always gets an invitation, and everybody is happy when she does show up. This is not normal. At all. I have no idea why his family does this;

I have no idea why your husband is okay with it. Honestly, I have no idea why you have tolerated this so long. Or even at all. NTA, but figure out what is going on because this is just plain broken.

dryadduinath −  NTA, but this is a husband problem. You asked him to speak to his mom about the unannounced visits, did that change anything?
And now you tell him being excluded from family events while he attends is hurtful, and he’s mad?. I would not chill out.

justme129 −  NTA. They want to exclude you specifically. The reason does not matter, the distance does not matter. I cannot imagine ever not inviting my friend’s girlfriend or boyfriend, or their kids, or someone significant to the person I am inviting.

It’s a courtesy thing to always invite the SO of your invite…especially jarring now that you are part of the family. That’s just plain mean, and you have a right to be upset. Your husband needs to really stand up for you and his kids here…no other way to go around it.

And you also need to address the coming unannounced to your house, that’s not cool. I don’t care what culture you come from, that’s just not respectful to come unannounced.

justducky4now −  Tell your husband who is failing you that you will no longer be doing anything to host his parents since they don’t host you. You won’t cook, clean, change plans, etc. If he isn’t home when they turn up you won’t open the door when they show up.

You’ll just tell them through the door that from now on you’ll only be opening the door to invited, expected visitors not grandparents who want to disrupt the schedule of the kids the don’t invite into their house. In a less wordy more grammatically correct way.

AuroraDF −  I would start turning up unannounced when they invite your husband. I mean, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right?

Chocolatecandybar_ −  NTA, are we kidding here? I would never open the door to someone who does this to me, it’s super rude and you are 100% right telling your husband that it’s wrong, he should not go

TheDisagreeableJuror −  NTA. You have a husband problem. I would get very petty in this situation. No hospitality from me at all whilst I was continuing to be excluded.

ExplanationMinimum51 −  I’m Latina, I would never exclude my daughters partners or kids, and my in-laws never excluded me or my kids neither did my mom.

Squinky75 −  Wait, they expect dinner at 11pm?????? Do you have to, like, get up and cook?

Feeling excluded by in-laws can be disheartening, especially when efforts are made to maintain a good relationship. Do you think her concerns are valid, or should she let it go? How should she navigate this situation with her husband and his family? Share your thoughts below!