AITA For Refusing to Help my Father Financially?’

A person shares a difficult situation involving their father, who neglected financial responsibilities during their university years and later relied on them for financial support. Over five years, this support drained their savings, leading to a decision to cut him off.

Now, the father’s friends demand they take him in, threatening to leave him homeless if they refuse. The person feels torn between their father’s poor choices and their moral dilemma about his well-being. They are holding firm in their decision for their own and their fiancé’s stability. read the original story below…

‘ AITA For Refusing to Help my Father Financially?’

Growing up, my parents got divorced when I was 13 years old, it was a tough time for everyone but I almost exclusively lived with my Mom (with some visits from my father throughout the years) until I was 18 and moved to go to university. My father offered to pay for some of my residence fees at the university,

my tuition was already covered by a scholarship I took. During my second year at university, I found out that he had paid for about 3 months worth of fees and then just let the debt accumulate – so I got a letter of reprimand saying that I would be thrown out of residence if I didn’t have the money within a month.

Now, I don’t believe that I was entitled to have my residence paid for at all, however, I was entitled to know when my father stopped paying so that I could plan or pick up extra work to afford a place to stay… I had to ask my Mom to bail me out – but I paid her back with interest when I started working after university.

Fast forward some years, and as soon as I got a job, my father started asking for money from me – I didn’t mind because the amounts weren’t large and I was prepared to sacrifice the money. But over the course of 5 years, the amount of money I have sacrificed was most of my and my fiancés savings.

So I cut my father off saying that I was not willing to give him any more money. He subsequently moved in with friends of his because he has not got a job and from what I’ve heard, he has developed a problem with alcohol.

These friends phoned me directly and said that “I need to let my father move in with me, because he is not their family and they are sick of having him around” and further “if you don’t take him in, we are leaving him on the street”.

This has caused me a lot of anxiety and pain – because on one hand, I don’t believe I am responsible for my father’s choices, on the other, he never abused me growing up, besides some lies (about the university fees and other times I won’t go into) and I feel sick to my stomach letting someone live on the streets.

I am an only child, and my father has broken the trust of basically his entire family (I was not the only person he took a large some of money from) so I am effectively his last resort. I am sticking to my decision of not letting him move in, for the sanity and strength of my and my fiancés relationship and my own wellbeing.. AITA for not helping my father?

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

diminishingpatience −  NTA. This is hard but you can’t take responsibility for him for the rest of his life, which is what this would amount to. You also need to consider your fiancé, who has already suffered financially because of him.

borahaebooksies −  For a moment, set aside your childhood (figuratively. So sorry for what he has done to you to break your trust in the past). He is unemployed, unmotivated, his friends can’t stand him, AND he has an alcohol problem.

Is that someone you want around your future children (if you choose to have any – your own or adopted, they’re your babies)? Is that someone you want around your SO? Those are things that will strain your relationship with your chosen/self made family.

Now add back that childhood, and things get even more messy.Unfortunately, you cannot support him at the detriment of your own happiness and mental health. Just because he donated genetic material does not entitle him to the things you’ve worked hard for.. ETA: op, NTA

Jenicillin −  NTA. If a parent doesn’t support you as a child and young adult, they have no right to support from YOU when you are an adult. Blood means nothing.

DinaFelice −  “That’s tough to hear. Unfortunately, even if we were close, I’m simply not in a financial position where I am able to help him. And the sad truth of it is that my prior attempts to help him are a major cause of my financial difficulties, so I completely understand if he’s exhausted your resources too.

Hopefully, you are able to connect him to resources for substance users before you are forced to kick him out… I’m sure they have experience with helping people in similar situations to his.”

NTA. Your father didn’t suddenly fall onto hard times, he is in this situation because he has been taxing the resources of his friends/family for a long time — and being dishonest about it. Even if he was completely blameless, you are still never the AH for not offering support when you literally can’t afford it..

And if you have no savings, you *can’t* afford to help him . Also, I have to quibble with your terminology: he *did* abuse you, both financially and emotionally.

And look at what he’s actively doing now: he’s either directly encouraging his friends to put pressure on you or he has given them a twisted version of the real story so that they think you are still a viable resource for him.

Tangerine_Bouquet −  NTA. You are not obligated to support this person. Doing the bare minimum as a parent does not entitle him to support. Parents owe children an upbringing; children help parents out of love that has developed. Also, as you say, he has his choices and lives his life.

He can work out the options. Absolutely, even if you feel moved to help this guy, don’t let him move in with you. That will be harmful to your life, and I’ll bet your relationship with him when you see more of who he really is.

His problems with alcohol and money are for him to deal with, and until he does, pouring everything you have into him will not make any difference for him–and will make you poor, unhappy, and resentful.

BackgroundNo8417 −  If you take him in and house and feed him you’ll be enabling his behavior. And, you’ll surely find out why nobody else wants him around anymore, and it will probably hurt your relationship with your fiancee. You can’t save him, only he can save himself. NTA

plm56 −  NTA. he never abused me growing up. That is a painfully low bar. You owe him nothing. Block him and anyone pressuring you to support him

Mortified-Pride −  the amount of money I have sacrificed was most of my and my fiancés savings. Was your fiancé on board with this?

Nataliee4332 −  NTA. You’ve helped him before, but your mental and financial well-being is a priority. You’re not responsible for his choices, and setting boundaries is healthy.

Anotherredituser231 −  NTA. If you help him you risk going down the rabbit hole with him. Your fiancés will probably not put up with this at some point in the future. You don’t have sufficient savings to handle any major or non-major emergencies.

You cannot save for a future house, future kid or maybe a pet. He’ll drag you down over time. Your father fulfilled some of his basic duties as a dad, you own him nothing for that.

Balancing personal boundaries with familial obligations can be incredibly challenging. In situations like this, where do you draw the line between protecting your well-being and stepping in to help? What would you do? Share your thoughts below!