WIBTA If I refused to watch my brother’s baby while he and his wife go off and do MDMA all day?
A Redditor shares a dilemma about whether they’d be wrong to refuse babysitting their niece for 8+ hours while their brother and sister-in-law plan to spend the day doing MDMA.
While they love their niece, they feel unprepared to care for a baby for that long, especially alongside their aging mother. They’re conflicted about enabling the couple’s recreational drug use versus respecting their need for a “date day.” Read the full story below to decide if they’re justified.
‘ WIBTA If I refused to watch my brother’s baby while he and his wife go off and do MDMA all day?’
My brother and his wife live out of town and are coming for a visit over the Thanksgiving holidays. They have asked my mom and I to reserve a day to spend 8 hours (possibly more) watching their 1 year old baby, my niece. Meanwhile, they want to go off and do MDMA together all day.
I love my niece and she’s an easy baby, but I also don’t know much about taking care of a baby, and my aging mother hasn’t doesn’t it in over 30 years, especially for this long. They have left us with their baby for 4 hours before while they went to a movie when they visited last time (baby was 6 months old).
We played with her, fed her, put her down for a nap. So, part of me is thinking, “okay maybe it’s not that hard to take care of the baby for a few hours.” But I really don’t want to for that long, especially so they can go off and do drugs. It’s not like an emergency and they needed me.
On the other hand, I get that it’s their “date day,” and they don’t often get to be alone just the two of them anymore, and she just finished breastfeeding last month, thus she is more free now with what she puts in her body.
I’m also concerned that my mother and I will have questions and they will be unreachable for so long. It’s not my obligation to watch their kid! That’s the bottom line I’m trying to tell myself. But I still feel like an a-hole for wanting to say no to this.
TLDR: my brother and his wife want to leave for a day to have a date day to do MDMA. Am I the a-hole if I prevent them from going on their date day because I don’t want to watch their baby for 8 hours?
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
StAlvis − NAH. They’re free to ask, you’re free to decline. Meanwhile, they want to go off and do MDMA together all day. How is this a “home for Thanksgiving” thing? Are they doing it *with* someone local? I still feel like an a-hole for wanting to say no to this.. Better than a k-hole!
BigGreenBillyGoat − I mean, you either are willing to watch the kid or you aren’t. What they’re doing while they’re gone seems to be what really bothers you.
[Reddit User] − NTA You and your mother don’t need to agree to watch your brother and his wife’s baby so they can disappear all day and get their load on.
HailTheCrimsonKing − NAH. It seems like the reason you don’t want to watch them is because of the reason why. I’m a parent, I don’t use drugs, but I see no issue with this.
MDMA has low risk of addiction and it’s not really that different than dropping kids off with family to go out drinking. They are being responsible and making sure their child is taken care of. You don’t have to agree but it’s completely ok for them to ask
dwassell73 − NTA they are parents now going out on a date for a few hrs to get a bit of a break is one thing but going out for 8hrs to do drugs & be unable to make rationale decisions & choices incase of an emergency with your child is quite another story.
You might as well tell you brother the party is over now that he has become a father you are now on call for your child 24/7 there are no days off , no MDMA sessions anymore it’s time to grow up, be responsible & get it together.
That he cannot just go off with his wife and so drugs for 8 hrs where you won’t be able to ask them questions about the baby or in an emergency be able to tell them about it & have them take over parental duties & make life decisions.
You & your mother need to be a united front in this standpoint and both refuse to watch the baby u see these conditions & if they find a friend or someone else then it’s on them.
animaniactoo − INFO: Would you be this opposed to helping with a full day of childcare if it were for some other purpose? Like they wanted to do a full-day hike, or attend a convention that would be too much for her?
boobqueen4ever − Unpopular opinion. First of all, you are NTA if you choose not to babysit. It’s totally your decision and you should do what feels best for you. Second, as a parent, I feel irritated hearing all these other people shaming “parents” for doing MDMA on a date.
There are actually licensed therapist who use MDMA to facilitate healing in relationships. Just because you have a kid doesn’t mean you can’t still be yourself and find ways to e not life, provided your kid(s) are in safe place. For the record, I have never done drugs but this is still my stance.
OP – you should never feel obligated to babysit. And, if you’re willing, I can say as a parent who has little to no family support, it means the world when a family member spends quality time with our kid, while also helping us stay sane by getting a small break.
(Also, maybe think ahead – if you ever have kids one day, will you hope your brother/his wife reciprocate and help with your kid? Bc I’m just saying, when our siblings have kids we will say good luck because we never got an ounce of support 😁)
ThisCatIsCrazy − Christ there are a lot of judgey puritans here, feels like 1980s America. NTA for not wanting to babysit, but also YTA for playing into the moral outrage surrounding a substance that is far less harmful than alcohol.
OkeyDokey654 − You never need an excuse to not babysit. It’s perfectly fine to say “sorry, that doesn’t work for me.”
Kill_doozer − NTA you can refuse for any reason you like. However, you might want to consider saying yes. I’ve been a babysitter/nanny for 25 years. That first year is HARD.
I can see why parents might want a day to do MDMA (although I also think it’s irresponsible unless they have tested it to make sure they actually have MDMA and not something else.) They have been in survival mode for 12 months. If your SIL had any post partum despression, MDMA is a treatment for that.
If they just want to f**k like animals for a day and feel like themselves again, it can be just as beneficial mental health-wise. 12 month olds are really fun. First and foremost, your mom has not forgotten how to take care of a baby. You could also see if your mom is open to handling baby in shifts or at least ensuring you an hour+ break.
You’ll want to know if baby is teething, if so how are they managing pain, what signs does their baby show when they are in pain? Anything in particular that soothes them? if they’ve been having any tummy troubles, if there’s any food they react to, when they want you to give baby medicine and what kind.
What do they want you to do if there is an emergency? Get the baby’s drs infomation incase you have any concerns while mom and dad are unreachable. Baby is likely on the move since the last time you watched them. They may have also morohed into a loveable little chaos goblin.
Get on you hands and knees and crawl around so you have their POV. They see A LOT of s**t we dont. If something can fit down a paper towel/tp tube, it’s a choking hazard. If they can pull themself up on a couch, theyre likely to go grabbing for whatever they can on tables, especially lamp cords.
Once you have that sorted out, it’s all fun. They LOVE doing stuff with you. Keep their little hands busy and the day goes by quick. Things as simple as “can you help me ________?” Goes a long way. I do it all the time to redirect from less than desirable behaviors.
We carry a single sauce pan from the dishwasher. Do the world worst job of sweeping. Take 40 minutes to fold a hamper of laundry because baby is “helping”. Shadow puppets are usually a solid winner at that age. Getting it done fast isn’t the point. It’s pumping up their tiny egos and making them feel good about themselves.
They think the word BONK is hysterical, especially when used in conjuction with a minor bump or fall. If they’re allowed to watch TV, Ms Rachel is an angel on earth. Babies LOVE her. If you can’t stand her (it is a rough watch for adults that dont get a second hand high off baby being happy as f**k) Bluey is genuinely enjoyable.
HeyBear has the dancing fruit. All are on youtube. If you like the idea of a “baby rave” (especially given the circumstances) look no further than the music of Lenny Pearce.
Again, by all means say no if you really don’t want to. Any resson is valid. No is a complete sentence. It’d probably be pretty cool if you said yes though. I’m biased as f**k. I love kids that age.
Would you step up to help family in this situation, or is it reasonable to say no given the circumstances? How do you feel about the couple’s priorities and the Redditor’s concerns? Share your thoughts and perspectives below!