AITA for doing things behind my folks backs, saving up to eventually move out?

A Redditor shared their experience of living with overprotective parents in their mid-60s, who have emotionally abused them and controlled much of their life. Despite paying rent and making efforts to save money for the future, their parents continue to undermine their ambitions.

In secret, the Redditor has been making plans to move out, including setting up a bank account and seeking medical help. Now they’re questioning whether it’s wrong to do all of this without their parents’ knowledge. Read the full story below to see how this situation unfolds and decide if the Redditor is in the wrong.

‘ AITA for doing things behind my folks backs, saving up to eventually move out?’

I’m a woman in my mid twenties. I currently live with my folks, Sarah and George (fake names), they are in their mid to late 60’s. They took me in when I was a baby due to my mother, their daughter, having “issues” at the time. When I was younger, my folks were overprotective of me.

Due to my mother having run away from home a few times, being a wild girl (parties, sneaking out, dr*gs and drinking, all the cliché rebellious stuff), and they were afraid I’d do the same. I wasn’t bothered though, the paranoia over me going to peers houses did get bothersome at times but it was fine.

Then I started developing my own interests and beliefs. They were not supportive. Commonly telling me to be in the “real world”, then when I’d make friends they would judge the hell out of them. I couldn’t have ambitions, wanting to one day be a police officer or an artist, anything of the sort. “You gotta be REALISTIC” I’d hear all to often.

They still see me as a child, it took them far too long to “allow” me to do anything. I just started doing things without telling them to not result in conflict. They also have emotionally abused me, I think. Insult the way I laugh, my weight was always an issue to them, my preferences in clothes.

Commonly shout at me for the most petty things, I still flinch when I hear my name called by someone. I pay to live in their house, and Sarah has been telling me I’ll be staying with them indefinitely, I’ll get the house someday basically. I was fine with that at first, so I didn’t pay much mind for saving my money.

Her attitude got worse though, starting when I was reorganizing my bedroom and locking my door for privacy. She would also get so angry if I took time off work. I have slept in my car in grocery store parking lots when I took approved time off work, just so I didn’t have to wake up to Sarah storming in and shouting at me.

I am really scared of her, I hate to say.. Then, I finally made the decision to start doing things for my health. I went to the doctor without telling Sarah or George, got a prescription that’s been incredible for my health as of late. Then I went to the bank and opened a new account only I can access.

I have been packing away my unnecessary items like merchandise from games and shows I like. I’ve been looking for houses to learn what I’ll need to be prepared for in the future. There’s a lot of other things they’ve done, I am open to sharing if anyone wants further details.

But, am I the a**hole for doing all these things in secret? I am terrified of how they’ll react if they find out. Inevitably they’ll know I’m moving when it happens, and Sarah’ll probably attempt to guilt trip me into staying with them. They might have a hard time without me around anymore and they’ll have no trust in me when they uncover the truth.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Secret_Sister_Sarah −  No, you’re NTA. I escaped a cult once, so I know how it feels to secretly pack and plan. You’re basically going through the same thing… sorry you’ve had to live in that fear your whole damn life. They are definitely a**sive, especially seeing as you’re a grown ass woman paying rent.

eirasmus −  NTA. What you’re doing is creating a safety plan and making sure you have the resources and funds to leave an emotionally and financially m**ipulative/a**sive situation.

Info: Just curious, when you say that they might have a hard time without you around anymore, do you mean because of what you paid to live there, did around the house, both, other? What you’re doing is smart and absolutely the right choice. You deserve peace of mind and to be able to be free to grow and explore as your own person.

Feeling_Mission421 −  NTA. You’re not an a**hole for saving to better your future or doing things for yourself that you shouldn’t have to hide to begin with

Jenicillin −  NTA. I wonder why your mother had mental health/substance abuse/other issues…

East_Parking8340 −  Basically they screwed up your mother’s childhood and then were given the opportunity to do it all over again.
You have no idea what they may try to do to you to ensure you don’t leave them or why they don’t want you to leave (I kinda suspect something else is going on in the background with them).

You’re separated your finances but make sure you put a lock on your credit. The best way to stop you from moving out would be to get credit in your name and default on it so you’re found ineligible when a credit check is run when you try to rent somewhere.

Check your credit and if something is amiss then report it to the police and then contest it with the creditor. Collate all your documentation (birth certificate, graduation stuff, etc.) and, ideally, store them outside the house.

When you do leave, drop by the local police station (with ID) to let them know that you’re not missing but are moving away. This will prevent complications if they do report you as missing.. NTA and good luck

iamasaltylady −  Please get a post office box and order copes of your documents if you don’t already have them. Also, freeze your credit.. And NTA.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 −  NTA. No, they’re toxic and a**sive, op do whatever you need to do to go out of there safely. Make sure you get your passport, birth certificates and social security card, don’t be pressed to get them from them you get can order your own copies.
Also check your credit report, just in case.

I would encourage you to get a PO Box, so that you can get mail you don’t want coming to the house , the bonus of that if when you move out you can just give that at your forwarding address, and you never have to give them your physical address, which I would not ever give to them.

You should probably contact a domestic violence center, I think falls under that category, and they can help you come up with plan for escaping. Op, have you started seeing a therapist yet, cause I they cause help with the strategies to maybe counteract the guilt trips.

Also you may need to make the decision about whether you will continue contact with them once you’re out , taking into account that you’re leaving could change the situation dramatically.

Crystalhowls −  I didn’t read the whole thing but there’s a reason why your mother acted out at a young age. That reason probably has to do with them. NTA for looking out for your future.

elsie78 −  NTA. You’re doing nothing wrong. Good for you, making a plan to escape! Honestly you’re doing what battered wives do before they escape their abuser: they plan, prepare, research, and then GO when is time. No notice, nothing. Just GO. It’s the only way in this situation. Also if you haven’t yet, please seek counseling!

WatercressSea9660 −  NTA. This is the standard procedure for escaping abusers. They probably don’t understand why their daughter acted the way she did and ultimately left, but their behavior sounds like a pretty good reason.

Keep doing things in secret, don’t be afraid to ask people (including a therapist, which you should have) for advice on the things you’ll need to know. Good luck!

Do you think the Redditor is justified in keeping her plans a secret from her parents, given the emotional toll they’ve had on her? Or should she have been upfront with them about her intentions? How would you handle a situation like this with family? Share your thoughts in the comments below!