AITA – I stood up to my neighbor over religious beliefs ?
A long-term friendly relationship with a religious neighbor took a turn after he began sharing scripture with the OP’s 10-year-old daughter and sending frequent religious messages to the OP. The OP, an atheist who respects others’ beliefs, initially ignored the texts but eventually responded,
kindly explaining her humanist views and asking for respect for their family’s beliefs. Since then, the neighbor has been cold and distant, even toward the OP’s daughter. While her husband believes she did nothing wrong, the OP wonders if she mishandled the situation by addressing it directly. read the original story below…
‘ AITA – I stood up to my neighbor over religious beliefs ?’
We (38M, 36F) have been kind neighbors to a lovely couple (~65M, ~45F) next door since 2013. Our relationship has always been friendly. They’ve invited us to their cabin, we’ve helped with dogsitting, and years of small favors and pleasant conversation.
Additionally, our 10yo daughter is close to the husband, and we fondly refer to him as her “surrogate grandpa”, since her grandparents live out of state. I’ve always known their faith is important to them. I’m an atheist (though prefer “humanist”),
but respect every individual’s right to pursue his/her faith and beliefs. I don’t advertise my lack of faith, nor do I criticize the faithful. A few years ago, they asked us to be part of their wedding ceremony – me as MOH, and my daughter as a flower girl.
I agreed wholeheartedly and helped with planning and decorating. Because their faith is so central to their relationship, I mentioned that I’m not religious and hoped it wouldn’t be an issue (i.e. no mention of God in my speech, not leading a prayer).
She was fine with it. He seemed fine, too. The wedding was absolutely beautiful! Afterwards, however, things changed. About 18 months ago, I discovered conversations on my daughter’s Messenger Kids where he was sending scripture quotes and coaching her in his faith.
I quietly removed him from her contacts and bought a childrens book about about all the religions of the world, read about his and ours specifically, and how similarly we view the world. I talked about tolerance for all. I knew the change in how he talked to her was deliberate, but I did not confront him.
He must have noticed, because he started sending me scriptures and religious videos on Facebook and via text. Weekly, or every couple days. The frequency varied. I did not respond to those. I kept my texts to neighborly things, and our in-person conversations were still friendly – i.e. his retirement, their projects, family things, etc.
The religious texts kept coming. I let it go for months, but eventually had enough. It felt pointed and disrespectful, but I could also maybe understand his perspective of fearing for my soul (or something?). So I finally responded about three weeks ago:
“Hi! I respect your faith and admire your kindness. As a humanist, I have found meaning in life without religion. We are raising our family in the belief that ethics and compassion are not faith-based, but rather human qualities, and we are good, caring people without God. Life is finite, and we do our best to put good into the world.”
He hasn’t talked to me since. The only text he sent to my husband was about us cleaning the maple leaves that blew into his yard from ours. His wife was still friendly, but he’s been cold and distant to me (understandable), and even our daughter.
I feel like I’m TA here. I killed the friendship when I could have just let the harmless texts go. But my husband disagrees and says I did nothing wrong. So….. AITA?.
See what others had to share with OP:
Ok-Horror-1049 − NTA. It sounds like you handled this as respectfully as you possibly could, but anytime someone is taking it upon themselves to educate your child on religion behind your back/without your consent they have crossed a major line (not to mention also sending you things directly to you when had already let them know what went against your beliefs)
Again, you sounded like you tried to let it go for a long time, and were as respectful as you could possibly be. Sad that they have decided to let this affect your relationship when it wasn’t anything for years…
LowBalance4404 − Honestly, I’m more bothered by a 65 year old texting a ten year old without the parents knowing. I don’t care if it was religious or about a chocolate chip cookie recipe. That part really bothers me.
That said, your text was lovely. You pointed out his kindness, your similarities in beliefs, and didn’t insult anything or anyone. Everything you did was textbook perfect. NTA at all.
I_am_wood_dog − NTA They were VERY disrespectful and trying to convert you minor daughter in to Christianity under your nose ! That is no different than grooming a child !. Cut them off and live your life !
And what do you mean harmless texts ? They were trying to shove their religion down your throat !!! And your 10 year old daughters too !
Urban_Coyote_666 − NTA. You caught your neighbor grooming your kid and politely informed him of your beliefs–you didn’t even demand that he stop.
As a fellow humanist, the conversation I would have had with this neighbor would have been much more direct and less friendly, and I’d still have a hard time feeling like an AH.
fiestafan73 − Tell me, would you think you were TA if he had tried to convert your daughter into being a Hare Krishna? Or a Jehovah’s Witness? Or QAnon? Because this is no different. I’d be glad he’s keeping his distance because going behind your back to convert your kid is creepy AF. NTA.
quietchaos5 − Nta but he’s a h**ocrite he has no problem sharing and even oversharing his beliefs to include covertly sending messages to your young child but you share your beliefs and he goes silent treatment. He may have meant well but it’s never ok to try to force your beliefs on others.
There’s nothing wrong with either of your beliefs or even sharing them, learning different belief systems is interesting and helps grow community and understanding. This could have been a great learning opportunity but he had to get all cranky.
clityeastwood805 − NTA – “you didn’t let me convert your family so now we can be friends.”
aj_alva − NTA. I would give him some space and shift any neighborly/friendly focus to the wife for now. If you get the chance, explain to her that you feel bad if you offended him – but you had a strong relationship for years until religion got involved and you hope you can eventually return to being a little more friendly (especially for the sake of her husband and your daughter’s relationship).
Was the OP justified in standing up for her beliefs and setting boundaries, or should she have let it slide to preserve the friendship? What do you think? Share your thoughts below!