AITA for not allowing someone to use a nickname I hate?

A Redditor shares their struggle with a long-standing nickname they despise, originally used by their parents but consistently corrected over the years.

Tensions came to a head during a family dinner when their mother reacted dramatically to a correction, leading to a broader conflict about respect and boundaries. Was the user wrong to stand their ground, or does the family need to be more understanding? Read the story below.

‘ AITA for not allowing someone to use a nickname I hate? ‘

When I (34F) was a child, my parents started using a nickname variant for me (Lyssy vs Alyssa). I have been expressing open distaste for this since I was 15, but I let my family continue using it for a while (because they’re family) until about five years ago when I started actively & consistently correcting them.

I deeply despise this nickname as it feels patronizing as an adult and they all know that. Cut to last night. I went over to my parents’ (62M,F) house to have dinner with them and my brother, Toby(32M), for my birthday. Yesterday was a tough mental health day for me and I said as much when I got there.

We started discussing plans for Christmas as my parents will be traveling to visit other family. As we’re finishing up dinner & discussing possible alternatives, my mother starts “Toby, you and Lyssy can…” and I interject with “Alyssa”.

It’s at this point, my mother slams her hands on the table, says, “You know what? F**k Christmas!” and storms off to her room. My father finishes clearing the table, and I very calmly say to Toby that I’ve been complaining about this for years and I’m done being polite about it, he tells me he doesn’t want to get involved.

I spend the next few hours watching TV with my dad as my mom stays in her room. She doesn’t even come out for birthday cake. When I go to leave, my dad tries to insist I go talk to her.

I tell him the same thing I told my brother, and pointed out that you wouldn’t deadname a trans person or use the wrong pronouns for Toby’s NB partner, this isn’t okay either and I’m allowed to be upset.

He starts in on me about how I need to cut her some slack because I don’t understand how much pain she’s in all the time (she has autoimmune/chronic pain), or how tired she is because she’s not sleeping.

I also have chronic pain & insomnia and said as much, and pointed out that if any one of her children behaved the same way, it wouldn’t be okay. He continues to insist that I should go talk to her, implying that I’m in the wrong because my correction “sounded snotty”.

I said flat out that we’d talk eventually, but I just wanted some space to process my feelings before talking, that’s how I’ve always been. “So she slipped. When was the last time she slipped?” This past Sunday, and I said nothing about it. “She corrects herself with other people and corrects them!”

Yes, but she never corrects herself in front of me, and that hurts me. He tells me to do “whatever the f**k [I] want”. Through this, Toby has re-entered the conversation. Just before I walk out, he says, “Alyssa, stop looking for reasons to hate Mom.”

I’ve never felt white hot rage flare through me like that, but I held back from cursing him out and just left. So AITA for holding a boundary and wanting to cool off before talking to my mother about this?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Waste_Worker6122 −  I don’t see how chronic pain makes it more difficult to pronounce your name correctly. Your name, perfectly reasonable to expect everyone to use it. Your correction was very low key. Like you, I had a childhood name which (thankfully) I didn’t have much trouble shedding as an adult. Definitely NTA.

crazyheather345 −  NTA, obviously. Whatever your mother is going through, blowing up on you like that *on your birthday* is unacceptable. This is an open-and-shut case for the reasons you have stated about deadnames and the like.

You are a 34-year-old adult and everybody around you needs to stop calling you names you don’t want to be called. It’s not a big demand and your end, and it’s not a big burden on their end. Also, why do both your parents swear at you so often? That’s weird, you know? Normal parents don’t swear at their children, even once said child is grown-up.

Edymnion −  NTA, if she can’t figure it out, try doing the same thing back to her. Say her name is Mary, start calling her May-May to her face, and then tell her you don’t understand why she’s bothered by the fact you gave her a nickname.

Its a power and control thing, she’s mad that she isn’t able to walk all over you anymore and that you’re standing up for yourself. Good for you! Like seriously, good for you for setting boundaries and sticking to them.

LindonLilBlueBalls −  NTA. Anytime she says something from now on, slam your hands down on the closest table and say, “You know what? F**k Christmas!” After all, everyone in your family considers it a perfectly reasonable response to anything.

LadyV21454 −  NTA. Growing up, I had a nickname that only my family used. If at ANY time I had said I hated the nickname, they would have stopped using it. And despite what your father said, your mother didn’t “slip”.

If she had accidentally called you “Lyssa”, she would have apologized at once. She’s doing it as a power play, basically saying ‘I can call you whatever I want and you can’t stop me”. That’s abundantly clear from the fact that she threw a tantrum when you politely corrected her.

LosAngel1935 −  NTA. If your mom wanted you called Lyssy, why didn’t she name you that instead of Alyssa. Everyone has a right to be addressed correctly by their name, not a nickname.

CandylandCanada −  NTA. You handled this perfectly. No notes.

ThatDifficulty9334 −  Parents are weird about their kids names and take it very personally that the kid doesnt want to be called by that or by a nickname that the parents feel is a term of endearment.

BUT it is very disrespectful of anyone to call a person by a name they clearly and repeatedly have asked not to be called parent or not. There seems to be an underlying issue here too. A reminder of your preferred name shouldnot have elicited such a harsh response.

Tdluxon −  NTA. You’ve made it clear for years that you don’t like being called by this nickname and don’t want them to call you that. That is not a huge thing to ask but for whatever reason they refuse to respect your boundary, even on your birthday.

You’ve tried asking nicely, it hasn’t worked so basically the two options are to either put your foot down as you did, or to just give up and accept being called that forever.

It’s actually surprising that your brother is so unsupportive, I would think he would have a better understanding if he has a NB partner but he may just not want to get in the middle of it. As far as all the stuff about her being in pain, that’s unfortunate but it has nothing to do with this situation so its not a valid excuse. Two totally separate things.

Desperate-Film599 −  NTA. I’m 56. My childhood name was Junebug. I absolutely HATE it. I went through hell forcing my family to stop calling me that. It isn’t cute. They are glorified cockroaches. I f**king hate that name. You have every right to be called what you prefer.

Do you think the Redditor’s insistence on being called by their preferred name is fair, or are they overreacting to a nickname from childhood? How would you handle a situation where a family member struggles with respecting your boundaries? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments!