AITA for demanding one-on-one time with my mom, because her friend’s autistic daughter is living with her.

A Reddit user shared their frustration about the dynamics with their mom and her best friend’s autistic daughter, Flower, who has been living with the mom for the past three years. While the user is visiting for the holidays, they requested more one-on-one time with their mom, but their mom has been defensive and avoids the conversation.

Flower’s constant presence and her behavior have been overwhelming for the Redditor, leading to tension in their relationship. The Redditor wonders if they are being unreasonable for wanting more time with their mom. Read the full story below to see how this situation develops.

‘ AITA for demanding one-on-one time with my mom, because her friend’s autistic daughter is living with her. ‘

Small details have been changed. Here’s some background. So my mom’s best friend is a very wealthy posh woman. My mom’s best friend has a highly autistic child, I’ll call her Flower. She leaves her daughter with my mom often to babysit.

Flower can do things for herself, but she can’t live on her own, work, has no concept of money or time, and communicating is very challenging. So, I live overseas and I’m going back home for the holidays. Because I know how c**ngy Flower is with my mom, I asked her not to plan sleepovers while I am there.

Or atleast, only have one while I’m there. She kinda agreed and quickly changed topic. I found this reaction a little weird so I started to take account of how often Flower was by mom. I didn’t ask right out , but just noticed If I hear her whenever I called my mom. I noticed Flowers voice every time I called. Every time!

A month before my flight I asked her point blank if she told Flower that she won’t have that many sleepovers with my mom while I was home. She avoided the question, but I kept asking and not letting her change the subject. Flower has been living with her for the past 3 years !!

And she wasn’t really gonna tell me because she expects me to just accept it and be okay with it. Basically Flower has refused to go home. My mom and her parents have just let her stay with my mom after she has a break down.

Now before Reddit goes down a rabbit hole of why she doesn’t want to go home, I’ll explain why she says she doesn’t want to go home.
For the most part it’s because my mom lets her drink soda and run around in hippy pants. Her parents coddle her, expect her to eat healthy and won’t let her run around in pjs all day.

Obviously I don’t know how it is to be autistic but she has tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, and because she’s autistic she gets away with a lot. She’s not stupid and can also manipulate my mom easier than her parents. I will be staying with my mom as I always do but Flower pushes buttons and can be overwhelming for me.

I don’t think she always pushes my buttons on purpose but she can be very selfish. So I am not hopeful it will go that well. my mom gets defensive when I ask her for one-on-one time. When I ask over message she avoids the question, when it’s over the phone she changes the subject or gets defensive.

She’s agreed to do one things with me and says we can do a gym class together. This only reason she says we can do that specific gym class alone together is because Flower doesn’t like it, and still Flower has to come with even though she waits in the waiting room.

She can and has been home alone, but because she gets extremely upset my mom just caves. I’m flying home in 3 weeks and I keep thinking about this. My mom has basically added an a new family member and expects me to be okay with it.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

borisslovechild −  NAH but I get the sense that there’s a lot going on that either OP is not admitting or not aware of. I suspect that OP’s mum is being paid to care of Flower. I mean, put the pieces together. Flower’s parents are posh and wealthy. Flower is living with OP’s mum for the last three years.

No way money is not being exchanged for this to happen. Not judging here but it looks like OP’s mum to embarrassed to admit the transactional nature of the relationship. Flower’s parents get cheap childcare (because you just know that proper full-time care for Flower would cost a bomb) and their autistic daughter has a 24 hour carer.

orpheusoxide −  NTA. Cancel if you can. Your time there is going to be centered around pleasing someone who already makes you miserable. You’ll also have no escape since she’s going to be there the entire time. There’s nothing worse than spending time and PTO to spend forced time with people you don’t like.

BlueHorse84 −  NTA. It sounds like Flower and her mother have completely dominated your mom and now own her. You’ve been replaced, not as a daughter exactly, but as the priority in your mom’s life. This is her decision, as horrible as it is for you. You can ask her if your replacement is permanent, but be prepared for her to say yes.

imyourkidnotyourmom −  ESH. You can’t demand time with your mom. You can want it, you can ask for it, but if your mom wants Flower more than you, then that’s her choice. Your mom wants Flower more than you. Your mom is going to oil the squeaky wheel, and you’re being the one that’s easy to ignore.

Your mother expects you to cave and go along with her picking Flower over you. If this is important to you, and it sounds like it is, tell your mother you will not be coming unless Flower stays with her own parents for the duration of your trip.

That you’re only coming for x time, and you want to be the priority, instead of flower. You can’t make your mom choose you over Flower. You can decide what YOU will do in response to your mother choosing Flower over you. Don’t make it easy for her.

Don’t put yourself to the side to convenience whatever this weird dynamic is. Delay your flight or go elsewhere.  It’s… kinda gross that Flower’s parents aren’t bothered by this. Like… Flower would rather go live with someone else and they just think, cool? They’re not at all bothered by their daughter picking a new mom? 

iwant2beAcat −  NTA. I’m sorry, Flower has taken your spot as your mums no.1 priority. I’d talk to your mum and say that you’re unable to stay with her while Flower lives with her. I would also ask her why she has quasi-adopted this child, but I would mostly focus on your concern for your mum being taken advantage of.

If she isn’t forthcoming in her response, I would take a step back. I wouldn’t make her feel attacked for this. This is a super weird situation, it might be good to look into it a bit. Your mum kinda sounds like she has been forced into being an unpaid foster parent.
Please don’t focus too much on Flower.

It’s Flowers parents who are the AHs here. If you are concerned your mum is being taken advantage of and Flower isn’t being cared for by her parents properly, you could check in with social services.. Good luck.

luckystar19862005 −  NTA!! If your mom can’t provide you one on one time, if it was me I would tell her I’m not coming than. The kid isn’t even your mom’s bio kid and has her own parents.

Flower’s parents need to be more considerate and force her to be with them while you are visiting your mom. What they are doing is teaching flower she can get away with whatever she wants in life when in reality in the real world it doesn’t work that way.

tinatroph −  You’re not the a**hole for wanting some quality one-on-one time with your mom. It’s okay to set boundaries, especially when you’ve been away and just want her undivided attention for a bit.

Pepsilover12 −  NTA but if you can afford to I would stay in a hotel and tell your mom why and that if she has plans to see while you are back it’ll be her and her alone at your hotel.

Reasonable-Sale8611 −  So your mom’s posh best friend has managed to farm out the fulltime care of her adult daughter to your mother, leaving Flower’s actual mother able to do, well, whatever she wants!

I understand that, from your perspective, your mom has basically replaced you with Flower, but I also wonder if your mom is having some issues with being unable to say “no” to her posh best friend, and maybe that’s how your mom got herself into this situation.

Does Flower’s mother pay for Flower’s food, clothing, her usage of your mom’s electricity, water, heat? Does she pay for Flower’s transportation? How about rent?

Is Flower going to look after your mom when your mom gets old, or is Flower going to be a permanent burden whose needs, wants, and selfishness, prevent your mom from looking after her own wellbeing? What is it like, the relationship between your mother and her posh best friend?

Is there a weird power dynamic where your mother somehow feels beholden to her best friend because of some small (or large, but nothing short of donating a kidney would justify this level of reciprocation) favor her friend did for her, many years ago.

Or maybe your mother just looks up to her because someone so posh MUST know better than your mother? Or, maybe your mom is a very bossy person and has made her friend feel insecure about her ability to mother her own child, because of some internal drive in your mom to save everyone or to look like the best mother or something.

These are just a few of the perspectives that might relate to how this situation came into being. Whatever is going on here, it sounds like there is something not right, with this situation. Will you be able to get your mom away from Flower long enough to have an open, private conversation about this?

Right now, that might be the place to start, perhaps by calling your mom’s posh best friend and saying, “I understand Flower now lives with my mother fulltime. I’m only going to be home a few weeks but I would like to spend some time alone with my mother.

Mom and I will be stopping by on \[date\] with a suitcase of clothes for Flower to drop her off at your house for the three weeks. Thanks for your understanding.” My script might need work, but I think how Flower’s mom reacts should tell you something about what is the situation here.. NTA.

Lola_Luvly −  Wow, today I learned it’s “grossly entitled” to want one on one time with a loved one when you’re flying into town to see them. This was news to me! NTA, if I were you I’d either change your flight to somewhere else or plan to stay with people who actually want to spend time with you.

Do you think the Redditor’s request for more one-on-one time with their mom is reasonable, given the circumstances, or is it unfair to expect that much attention? How would you handle this situation with a family member who is in a caregiving role? Share your thoughts below!