AITA for expecting not to have to pay for Thanksgiving groceries?

A 54-year-old woman living in Italy was invited by a wealthy friend, Ann, to host and teach how to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving dinner for 12 people. The woman, who typically cooks for her own family, agreed but was later told she’d have to pay for half the groceries despite doing all the planning, shopping, and cooking.

When the woman declined to split the costs due to financial constraints, Ann began changing the agreed menu and delegating tasks to other guests. Ann also criticized the traditional meal as excessive, calling her friend “stubborn and ungenerous.” The woman is now questioning if she’s being unreasonable for standing her ground. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for expecting not to have to pay for Thanksgiving groceries?’

I have never posted here before, so my apologies if I make any mistakes. I (54f) have been invited by a friend (50f) who I will call Ann, to come to her house for Thanksgiving. We all live in Italy, but spent many years in the USA, and have several American friends in the area.

Ann heard that I make a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my house every year for my family and a couple friends (6 people total). It is quite difficult to get all of the supplies here (no buying canned pumpkin, or cranberry sauce!), so I make every single thing from scratch.

Over the years, I’ve also acquired all the dishes and tools and spices – know suppliers for the more exotic things, and am an all around good cook. So Ann, who was born in China but lived in the USA for 20+ years, asked if I would come to her beautiful (and much bigger) home, and “teach her” how to make the whole dinner.

For a group of 12 people instead of the usual 6. I was hesitant at first, because we live a very modest lifestyle, and Ann and her (British) husband are very well off, but I figured it would still be fun, and I would enjoy putting on the feast for new people and in a beautiful kitchen.

After I agreed, the problems began. First, Ann wanted to have the dinner on a day that isn’t Thanksgiving, to make it more convenient. I decided it wasn’t all that important, since we live in Italy. So it is scheduled for the Sunday prior to the actual day.

Then when we were planning to meet to go shopping for all the ingredients, she asked if I could do all the shopping and she would “reimburse me for her half”. I asked what she meant, and she said that I’d be paying for half of everything.

So not only would I be doing all the shopping, all the planning, all the cooking and teaching her as well, but now I’m expected to pay for the food? I told her I could not do this (we really don’t have the budget!) so now she’s trying to alter the menu she agreed to (turkey & fixings, candied yams, roasted veggies, an appetizer, and pie).

Really a modest dinner by American standards. She then made a comment that “her” friends don’t “eat like pigs”. She then went to another guest *with my recipes* and asked her to prepare my pumpkin pie so she didn’t have to buy the ingredients. Bear in mind, Ann and her husband are very wealthy.

I’d estimate the whole dinner for 12 might cost €200 for the ingredients, and my labor Ann gets for free. She thinks I’m being “stubborn and ungenerous” (ie an AH) My family thinks Ann is taking advantage of my kindness and her miserly ways are ridiculous, since she’d spend double that amount for lunch out on a whim.

So AITA for refusing to “contribute” to the meal or be bullied into this nonsense? My family wants me to just bow out and tell her I’m not comfortable with her attitude. I’m tempted, because this feels toxic and m**ipulative.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

RaviolliRex −  NTA Sounds like she just wants you to pay, and make the meal for her and her friends. she is most definitely taking advantage of your kindness and probably just wants you to cook for her. I wouldn’t make the meal or pay for it if I were you.

Ivorypolarbear −  NTA. I can see how it would be fair to pay for half the groceries, since you do 6 people and this would be 12, if you were joint hosting. This does not sound like joint hosting, it sounds like Ann wants to get all the accolades while you do all the work!

She wants you to ”teach” her how to make the food—how much do you bet she’ll ask you to show her and she’ll just “observe” the process? And of the 12 guests that Ann wants, are 6 of them all the people you usually have or are more of them people she wants? If I were in this position I’d cancel on Ann and go back to doing your own dinner.

Clean_Factor9673 −  NTA. Your mistake was sharing the recipes. This woman is not your friend. She wants you to pay for half the groceries for her dinner party in addition to cooking everything and sourcing all ingredients. At this point she would need to pay you the cost of a private chef to cook the dinner.

bujomomo −  NTA- I lived overseas in places where you would pay an arm and a leg for Thanksgiving dinner ingredients, so I understand how expensive it can be. Sounds like she wants your expertise and labor in addition to half the cost, so I would pass.

IamIrene −  “reimburse me for her half”. Hold on…why isn’t she paying for everything? *You’re* the one doing *her* the favor here (and a massive favor at that!). She thinks I’m being “stubborn and ungenerous” (ie an AH) That’s hilarious. This person is NOT your friend.

She’s trying to take advantage of you and is a massive AH for doing so. Even hired help is treated better than you’re being treated, and they’re PAID! Wow…the big, brass, clankin’ ones on this woman!. NTA. D**p her.

JessieColt −  NTA She wants you to cater and cook a full on meal for her and her friends and she is only willing to pay you half of what the ingredients cost.
If she wants you to cook a meal for her and her friends, she needs to provide all of the ingredients and should pay you for your time.

ItsJoanNotJoAnn −  **My family wants me to just bow out and tell her I’m not comfortable with her attitude. I’m tempted, because this feels toxic and m**ipulative.** Take their advice, your ‘friend’ is a user. She’d use you to pay for the meal, cook the meal, most likely clean up as well.

You’d probably not get to take home some leftovers either, after all *she* paid half. She just wants a free meal. I’m going to guess you’ve heard a saying here in the USA, “Some people have more nerve than a b** tooth.” This is your ‘friend’ to a T.

New_Sun6390 −  She lived in US for 20 years and needs someone we to “teach her” to make Thanksgiving dinner? And you have to buy all the stuff?. F that.
Google and YouTube can teach her. Alternatively, she can do a pot luck and have guests bring some of the sides and desserts.

November-8485 −  NTA. Cancel the dinner. Withdraw your recipes. Move on and enjoy your family with thanks.

lilolememe −  She’s “invited” you into her home for Thanksgiving, so you can cook the meal in her kitchen, but she wants you to pay for half the food and not pay for your services while you cook and teach her. I think you should speak to her husband about his wife and how she treats the guests in his home.

I wonder if he has any idea at all. FYI She is not a friend. She has insulted you on so many levels. Do not make this meal, and do not continue in this relationship. She is incredibly toxic and entitled. She is incredibly disrespectful to you and your friends by saying her friends don’t eat like pigs is a**orrent.

She gives your recipes to another guest without talking to you first and gaining permission? She acts like someone who has no class at all. She may be rich, but she has no substance. You don’t need this kind of person in your circle. Friends are kind and don’t take advantage of each other.

Is Ann taking advantage, or should the woman compromise for the sake of the gathering? what do you think? share your thoughts below!