AITAH for not wanting to spend another holiday with my husband’s ex wife?

A Reddit user shared their dilemma of being stuck in an awkward holiday tradition with their husband’s ex-wife, Susan, despite the lack of warmth between them. For years, they’ve spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together for the sake of their stepdaughter, Jenna.

After Jenna reached adulthood, the user encouraged her to voice her feelings about the awkward holiday arrangements. Now, Susan is accusing the user of manipulation, and the husband seems to be siding with her. Is the user wrong for wanting to stop the holiday routine, or is Susan overreacting? Read the full story below to make your own judgment.

‘ AITAH for not wanting to spend another holiday with my husband’s ex wife?’

I (36f) have been with my husband Jake (47m) for 6 years, married for 4. He has a daughter, Jenna (19f) with his ex wife Susan. Jake and Susan’s marriage began deteriorating during the pregnancy & they were separated by Jenna’s first birthday, divorced before her second.

They don’t have a “friendly” relationship. They’re cordial for Jenna and polite to one another but they never just chat for the sake of it and there is zero warmth in any of their interactions. Despite this, they both agreed that they never wanted their daughter to have to choose between them for the big holidays and so they’ve been spending every Thanksgiving and Christmas together for the last 19 years, with me joining the last 4.

It’s… fine. It’s very awkward and feels like something everyone is just trying to get through but it’s uneventful. There’s no drama or anything crazy but it’s not fun or festive either. I was under the impression that this would end when Jenna reached adulthood since Jake complains about it every year but last year was Jenna’s first year home from college so he wanted everything to be “normal”.

I’m pretty close with Jenna and last year, after we left Susan’s on Christmas Day, Jenna texted me joking about how dull the evening was and then said she didn’t know why they were still keeping this up. And I was like PLEASE tell your dad because he’s going to insist on it for your sake until you do. And she said she would and we started talking about other things and it didn’t come up again until this year.

Jenna’s spending Thanksgiving with her new friend’s family this year so luckily it’s just the one holiday to deal with this year. We were texting last month while she was starting to make plans to come home for Christmas and brought up how she wasn’t looking forward to “another Christmas” and I encouraged her again to tell her dad how she felt. She brought it up with both of her parents and said she would do Christmas Eve with one and Christmas with the other. Great.

At some point, she mentioned to her mother that I had encouraged her to talk to her parents and now Susan has decided that I “manipulated” Jenna to get what I want (which I did want this but I don’t feel I manipulated anyone) and is blowing up Jake’s phone.

This is the most they’ve spoken in years and Jake is not quite but almost agreeing with her; ie: “well I know how you didn’t like going, maybe Jenna was just reading how you felt” which makes me feel like I’m going crazy. But I just feel weird and guilty now and I need some outside opinions.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

[Reddit User] −  NTA. Though it does look like you’re going to be turned into the s**pegoat. Jenna made it clear that she wasn’t enjoying this and she herself came up with the solution. You just supported her. It sounds like this went on too long for anyone to be comfortable and like you’ve all missed out on festive holidays as a result.

Alarming_Reply_6286 −  Do these people regularly dismiss their daughter’s opinions or perspectives? This has nothing to do with you. Jenna is 19. Let her manage her parent’s. If they want to point fingers, they can point them at each other for their own ridiculous behavior. If you don’t want to attend a holiday with ex wife, then that’s a different conversation that you should have with your husband.

irreverant_raccoon −  Or maybe it was easiest for Jenna to put it this way. Not nice per se, but kids of divorce often feel pulled in the middle between their parents and maybe she saw this as an out.

Cali-GirlSB −  “I’ll take being the s**pegoat if this gives me peace during the holidays.” And stick to it. NTA.

l3ex_G −  Nta so these 2 grown people are talking to each other and to you but didn’t think to ask their own kid? Your partner didn’t think to have a private convo with his kid instead of trying to blame you? I would be super annoyed with your husband. They need to stop trying to paint you as the villain here.

Pretty_Little_Mind −  NTA. FWIW, my parents split when I was 14, and a few years after the dust settled, we all ended up having birthdays and holidays together again. Even when my mom had a serious relationship, my dad still joined. It’s honestly great, and I am so glad I’ve never had to split everything up and feel like I was on a timer. But the difference is, they are genuinely friends.

They even take each other to doctors appt rather than asking my sibling or I (we’re both in our 40s). That being said, had they divorced when I was a baby, I don’t think this would have happened. Mutual respect, yes, but l I think they would have both remarried and possibly had more kids.

I’d throw up my hands and this point and say to your husband, “You know what? I regret that Jenna brought this up to me. I’m not the bad guy and I’m not wrong for telling her to talk to you both about how she feels. But from this point forward, I’m out on the subject. And when I say that, I mean it. Don’t you dare come complaining to me about not looking forward to spending another holiday with your ex when you have an opportunity to transition the situation now that Jenna is an adult.

You let me know what you three decide. I’ll let you know what I’m going to do then. But from what Jenna told me, neither she nor I enjoy spending holidays in the company of two people who clearly don’t care much for each other, and are only doing for the sake of a now grown adult who knows better.” And honest to God, go book yourself a mini trip somewhere you actually want to go. You might be “missing” Christmas, but it sounds like everyone was already, metaphorically speaking.

jeenajamsons −  NTA. It sounds like you nudged Jenna in a direction she was already leaning towards. She’s 19, fully capable of making her own decisions about how she wants to spend her holidays. If Jenna finds the tradition dull and expressed a desire to change it, it’s really up to her to voice that, which she did.

The blowback from Susan and the hesitancy from Jake might be them adjusting to a new normal, but it’s unfair to paint you as m**ipulative when you were supporting Jenna’s own wishes. Maybe this change will lead to new, happier traditions for everyone.

BodaciousVermin −  “Jake, do you really enjoy spending holidays with Susan? Why don’t you have an honest, one-on-one conversation with Jenna, your adult daughter who can make hey Owen decisions, about what she wants for holidays, and how to spend them.

As for me, I don’t like Susan. I don’t enjoy spending time with Susan, especially at holidays. Jenna has told me that she doesn’t like the way things have been done, wants things to be different, and has made moves in that direction. To me, it seems like the only person that wants shared holidays now is Susan. Why might that be? Why don’t you take some time to find out for yourself, not from Susan, what’s what, and let’s chat about this again after you have. Ok?”

Choice-Emphasis9048 −  NTA. Sounds like the mom is the m**ipulative one and is projecting.  How dare her daughter have an opinion of her own, receive support and encouragement from another person, and take action. You know, because adulting doesn’t involve any of that.

No-Pop7740 −  So, Susan and Jake, who do not get along, decided to basically ruin Every Single Holiday for their child, for her entire childhood? Because that’s what this was. They made every holiday for her entire childhood an awkward and tense occasion, rather than a happy joy filled experience.. That is so, so toxic.