AITA for considering ending my not terrible marriage because being a stepfamily just isn’t working?

A Reddit user opened up about the struggles of blending a stepfamily, especially after the birth of her biological child with her husband. Despite initial harmony with her stepdaughter, the arrival of a new sibling caused a rift, with hostility and resistance dominating their household.

Now feeling torn and uncertain about staying in the marriage, the user wonders if it’s too soon to consider separation for the sake of creating a healthier environment. Read the full story below to see how they’re handling this complex family dynamic.

‘ AITA for considering ending my not terrible marriage because being a stepfamily just isn’t working?’

My husband (40m) was a widower when we met. I (36f) was a single woman who had never been married before. My husband has a daughter April (13) from his first wife. April was 5 when her mom died, 7 when my husband and I met, 8 when she and I met and 11 when we got married. Things with April were okay before I got pregnant. And by okay I mean we weren’t very close and she wasn’t calling me mom or saying she loved me.

But we got along well and she said she had no issues with us getting married. She was in the wedding as her dads best person. All was good. Then I got pregnant with our son who is now 4 months old and it all changed. She was furious when she learned we were expecting. She told us she would not be okay with that and she asked her dad how he could do that to her and her mom.

From that moment on she was hostile to me and very angry and lashed out at me, my husband and anyone who tried to say she was going to be a big sister or described our son as her little brother. We got her into therapy and we did family therapy. April refused to speak. We tried to find a therapist who’d click for us but she wouldn’t talk.

Then we did find a therapist that made April speak one time and she spoke to say she did not want to work with us or make things better. She would not say why or answer any questions the therapist asked her. She didn’t address it with her individual therapist either. They worked on other stuff. But that wasn’t enough to help her come around.

People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she’d fall in love and would go back to how she’d been before. That has not happened and she’s aggressively against anything to do with him. She has never held him and we have no family photos of the four of us. It breaks my husbands heart.

He has talked to his daughter and disciplined her but it does nothing. She will scream that he is not her brother and she’s even against saying half because “he’s not my sibling at all”. I can’t speak to her at all now. Gone is the nice relationship we had and that makes me sad too.

But this isn’t working and our home no longer feels like a home. It feels like a house on the verge of collapse. I’m not sure I want to stay married and figure this out for another 5 years. I don’t see any hope for it to get better and even though my son will still have to be around, maybe having 50% of the time be in a loving home would be better. I’d be happier even though I love my husband. When I confided in a friend she told me I can’t give up this fast and I’m not giving it time to get better.. AITA?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

judgingA-holes −  People said once our son was born, once she looked at him, she’d fall in love and would go back to how she’d been before. LMAO. I just came to ask who TF were these delusional people ? “Look at him and fall in love”…. Really?! That’s something you say to a nervous, soon to be parent.

They couldn’t have had any real experience with this situation. ~~This doesn’t~~ It rarely happens that siblings, especially older ones, who want nothing to do with the baby, and are vehemently opposed to it, flip the switch because they see the new kid. They don’t see the baby and think awwwww how cute I love them so much, they see the baby and just think this is the drooling, puking, s**t monster that’s turning my world upside down.

Intelligent_Sundae_5 −  No judgement, but I’d be concerned about your son being with her during your husband’s custody time with him if you divorce. Just something to consider since she is part of the household. And honestly it sounds as if you would be giving her what she wants, which I don’t know if that’s a good thing.

Head-Emotion-4598 −  Info – have you guys tried sending just her and your husband into therapy together? She \*might\* be more willing to open up if it’s just him. At the very least she can just sit and listen to him talk to the therapist. Also, are her maternal grandparents still in the picture? Do you and your partner get along with them?

Maybe if April hears from them that they know her mom/their daughter would have been ok with this/wanted her dad to be happy, that might help? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know the chances of her coming around seem slim but, hopefully when she gets older, she’ll recognize the mistakes she is making. Personally, I wouldn’t jump to separation yet, since it’s only been a few months.

My kids took time to adjusting to each new sibling and there wasn’t even any trauma for them to deal with. Kids can get extra touchy with new babies getting all the attention or her seeing people fuss over you. Make sure that her dad takes her out, just the two of them, for fun things as well. But let this new situation (and maybe hormones/sleep deprivation?) settle before making any life changing decisions. NTA.

Danube_Kitty −  No judgement this time as this is really complicated. But, I recommend to not do any final decision for now. While, for sure, you should make sure your son is safe and that ‘s not possible while living with April. On the other hand, divorce would be punishment for your husband, winning for April AND with 50/50 custody your son won’t be safe 50% of time. That doesn’t sound like a solution to this situation.

What I expect, it’s a theory ofc, is that 13 year old was somehow fine with you as a company for her dad, but your pregnancy changed this perspective from company to lover…so in her mind your husband is cheating on her mom. That way your son is not a brother but a living proof of it.

I recommend to discuss with the therapist how to navigate your husband’s communication to April about “I love you and I loved your mom. My heart is big enough so loving OP and our son has changed anything about that. But your behaviour is unacceptable as you are cruel to innocent baby and I won’t risk you harm him, or OP.

No matter how hurt, scared or angry you are, hurting other ppl is wrong. You don’t have to love them, just be decent person to them.” And your husband should show his feelings to her. “I love you but I am angry/hurt/dissapointed. No I won’t go overboard with things for you when you can’t be decent to OP and son”.

Consider option for you and your son to move close and sending April few times a week to relatives (grandparents, aunts). Those days you will be together with your husband. No need for divorce. April gets the clear message that she won’t destroy your family. It will be just divided.

cressidacole −  You were tolerated because she didn’t see you as a replacement mother – you were someone to her Dad, pleasant enough, and not overstepping. Now her father has a baby with you. In her mind, you’ve now created a family unit that erases her mother and downgrades her. Her memories of her mother will be fading, and she probably feels guilty at liking anything to do with you.

Now she’s competing with a new baby and a living wife and mother. If your therapists couldn’t work that out, you may as well burn the money.

maybe-an-ai −  You and your husband are allowing a 13 year old child to dominate and destroy your lives with a tantrum. It’s been only 4 months and you may not be in the best decision making frame of mind for a decision like this. It’s time to be the adults and parents and make her life miserable until she can act and behave in a respectful manner and stop just letting her make your lives miserable.

Top-Spite-1288 −  NTA – But this is no simple issue. You have already had therapy, your step-daughter refused to work with her therapists both family and individual. As things are now I really don’t see what else you could do. Obviously people arguing she’d fall in love with her sibling as soon as he was born are dillusional. I’d also be afraid that she might get violent, lashing out at your son.

Now let’s assume you do leave your husband and get a divorce. People said: you can’t do that! In five years you will be alone yada yada … thing is: those five years will be hell! You will have five years of hate and mayham and your son will grow up in such a surrounding, with a sister who hates him, possibly lashes out at him and who knows what else? That girl appears to be completely unstable. So what if you do leave your husband?

He will despise his daughter for it, because she made him lose his wife and his son! Of course, being a child, that girl did not think about that. She wants daddy for herself and goes scorched earth! Whatever you do: everybody will be a l**er in this. If you do want to stay together and you can actually afford it, how about living separate for the time being? It’s quite a financial burden, but what else can you do?

kimmysharma −  Being 100% honest with you keep the doors of communication open and pull back. Let your husband parent his daughter and support her emotionally you focus on your son and your mental health. The reality is she is troubled but she will be an adult and when she steps into the real world she will have a harsh awakening when she realizes stuff happens and we need to grow and move on.

DrSocialDeterminants −  NTA but I would say try to exhaust your options first… marriage counselling, individual counselling, working with a specialist to check your overall health. If that fails, at least you can say you tried before closing the chapter.

Aggressive_Dark1173 −  I don’t find you an AH. I think you’re trying to make the best of a situation, which doesn’t really have any good choices. If you stay, you risk your child being hurt by your step daughter. Shs has the right to feel slighted, but her response is to extreme. If you leave, though, you’re leaving your husband, who you say is a good man.

My suggestion is to leave. Not necessarily divorce right away, but have your own space. Tell your husband that you want supervised visitation until his daughter calms the hell down. Make sure you have proof she has made those threats so if you do divorce, hopefully supervised visitation will stick.  Right now, the most important person to take care of is your son. Everyone else is old enough to defend and speak up for themselves. Your 4 month old relies on you for protection.