WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?

A Reddit user is grappling with a troubling email accusing his wife of cheating during her recent trip to the UK. The email details suspicions and provides some circumstantial evidence that has left the user unsure of how to approach the situation. He wonders if it would be wrong to ask his wife to show him her phone to check for any incriminating evidence, fearing it might harm their relationship. Read the full story below to see how this dilemma plays out.

‘ WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?’

The article has the next update & final update at the end.

I (M47) have a comfortable and fulfilling life. I have a job I truly enjoy, I live in a nice suburb, and and am blessed with three wonderful children (M8, F6, F4) and a lovely wife, Emily (45). I’ve always felt Emily and I were an ideal match. However, a recent email I received has deeply unsettled me and planted a seed of doubt in my mind.

Emily lived in the UK between 2010 and 2015, during which time she pursued a PhD. Because she lived there so long, she developed many close friendships and has made it a point to return every couple of years to maintain those ties.

This past August, she travelled to the UK for three weeks to attend the wedding of one of her close friends. After some consideration, we agreed that it would be best for me and the children to remain at home, as I could not take that much time away from work, and the children were unlikely to find much enjoyment in such an event. Emily departed, returned as expected, and life returned to normal for us.

Last week, I received an email on my work email address. It was supposedly from the wife of Emily’s friend—I’ll call him Jake (M44). According to this woman, she has a very strong reason to suspect that Jake and Emily engaged in an affair. She listed off her suspicions, noting Jake had picked Emily up from the airport, spent considerable time at her hotel, and how the two of them frequently went out to dinner alone.

She even included pictures of my wife’s earrings that she said she found in Jake’s pockets when she was doing the laundry and pictures of a lipstick stain on his shirt. The colour is one I recognize as something Emily often wears. There is some other evidence she listed off, for the sake of conciseness I will not include them here.

All this was a lot to absorb, and for a while, I thought it was some sort of joke, so I tried my best to ignore it, but it kept coming back into my mind. I remember that before her trip, my wife would talk to all her friends there. I don’t know if this email is influencing my memory, but I think she probably spoke with Jake the most. Additionally, I know Emily never liked Jake’s wife, though I can’t say why.

I’ve never pried into Emily’s phone or social media accounts before, but I feel very tempted to now. However, I know I’d feel terrible if I looked and found nothing. Also, if I start acting suspicious, wouldn’t she just delete everything out of fear of being found out? I am unsure of how to move forward and would welcome any guidance on handling this.

The best I can currently come up with is asking to see her phone immediately after confronting her about it so as to not give her know time to delete anything, though part of me thinks this would upset her and potentially not even show anything. WIBTA for telling my wife to show me her phone after I got an email accusing her of cheating?

Edit – I forgot to include, my wife no longer has these earrings. She wasn’t wearing them when she returned and when I asked, she said she lost them.
Next update: https://aita.pics/fsgxu
Final update: https://aita.pics/iYLyR

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

TickityTickityBoom −  NTA and show your wife the email from this person and ask the question.

Virtual-Instance-898 −  Your first point of contact should be Jake’s wife. Get the full details of her evidence and have her mail one of the earrings to you (she’ll probably want to keep one as evidence on her side). Discuss with Jake’s wife what she plans to do with her marriage to Jake. Ask her if she knows anything about your wife’s prior trips to Europe and especially about your wife’s time as a grad student there.

In particular ask Jake’s wife if she has an ability to access Jake’s email, phone and messaging apps. If she can, ask her to share it with you. Then coordinate with Jake’s wife on when you will confront your spouses. You do not want Jake’s wife to confront Jake before you confront Emily, since Jake can then warn Emily and she can clean all her email, phone, etc. accounts.

I am presuming that you have no ability to examine Emily’s email, phone or messaging accounts without her approval. Once you have received the earring from Jake’s wife, you can confront your wife. Start by asking her how/where she lost the earrings.

After she entangles herself in whatever story she makes up, you can produce the earring and state that since she is lying about fundamental aspects of her relationship with Jake, you would like her to open all her email, phone, and messaging accounts for you to examine. She will vociferously object. You will tell her that either she does this or you lose all trust in her and your marriage is over.

Tell her that you can forgive cheating (even if you can’t), but dishonesty is unforgivable and that she needs to go full open kimono if there is to be any chance of saving the marriage. Depending on the domestic family laws in your state you can also wave child custody issues in front of her. She’ll either go ballistic and into full fortress mode or eventually let you look at her accounts after many tears are shed. At that point you’ll have the information you need to make your next move.

Contribution4afriend −  NTA but you might have to understand what are the things that will probably happen (could be more):
A- Your wife might not have cheated and will be devastated when you ask.
B- She will deny and will call Jake wife to yell at her.

C- She will confess and say it was a 1 time thing.
D- She won’t say anything. Deny. Not even call Jake or Jake’s wife. And leave the house. No answers. Nothing. It will be l**bo.

Last, I feel you should ask other friends about it and answers the email requesting if she faced Jake. Her actions will speak volumes. But mostly is you checking her cellphone. Type in the search for: I missed you; I love you; Get together; Last night was.

You have 3 steps ahead to find those texts, the time frame of each call and duration, pictures, and her other friends from UK phone numbers. Find the names your heard the most. And ask if they are aware of something between your wife and Jake from years ago and this trip. Was there really a wedding? Might be wise to see the wedding pictures.. Updateme!

RaddishSlaw −  NTA. Have an adult conversation. Start by explaining you have an email from an unknown person which accuses her of an affair and go from there. Unless you are happy to live with the suspicion you will be having this conversation at some time, so you might as well get it over with.

MadMaz27 −  NTA. Please provide us an update.

Electrical_Slice2456 −  Has Jake’s wife confronted Jake?

SuzCoffeeBean −  If it’s true, Jake has already told your wife that his wife is onto them & everything may very well be deleted already. If it’s not true, Jake’s wife might be completely wrong or acting out of spite for some reason. People do weird things to get at people. Sit your wife down & show her the email.

thepatriot74 −  Dude, first try to see if you can snoop without asking. B/c if she is guilty she might go all DARVO on you. NTA, the email is quite a bit too convincing. Also, she is likely cheating; even if you do not find anything she might just have another phone or an email account you know nothing about.

Abs_995 −  NTA. If my husband asked to see my phone because he was concerned I was cheating on him, I would gladly give it to him. That’s a normal response for someone who has nothing to hide.

MostlyValidUserName −  The colour is one I recognize as something Emily often wears. lol.