AITAH for not fulfilling my fiancé’s wish on our wedding day?

A Reddit user seeks advice about a wedding dilemma involving their estranged family. Despite a difficult upbringing filled with neglect and favoritism, their fiancé insists on inviting the user’s estranged mother and stepfamily to the wedding to avoid embarrassment in front of her own family. The user is torn between standing firm and preserving their boundaries or giving in to keep their fiancé happy. Read the full story below to weigh in on this emotional conflict.

‘ AITAH for not fulfilling my fiancé’s wish on our wedding day?’

The article has the next update at the end.

I appreciate if you give me your honest opinion as I’m being pressured from everyone ( except my aunt) to go against my wish . I’m a 30 year old woman. I have been with my fiancé Sarah for the last 5 years. We are the same age and we met at grad school. When I was 13 my loving dad passed away. He left a decent amount of money for us. My mom within 6 months got engaged to a guy named Bob. Bob had a daughter around my age.

My mom married Bob within a year of my dad’s passing . Bob really hated me from the start and didn’t even try to hide it. He was saying stuff like how my mom should have sent me to a boarding school , how if it wasn’t because of my dad’s inheritance he wouldn’t have me in his house , or I’m a “bulldyke” because I was in our school sport team and very athletic. He multiple times told my mom he doesn’t feel safe when his daughter is around me.

I wasn’t even yet ! Used this as a reason to exclude me pretty much from everything. My mom on the other hand was going above and beyond to prove to Bob that she is the new mom for Bob’s little princess. They ended up having 3 more kids. Basically I was a roommate who did babysitting for my mom and her New family. I never had a birthday party or a special day. My dad’s sister was amazing to me. I was at their place all the time.

She and her family had birthday celebrations for me and my mom was making excuses not show up and of course rest of them never showed up ( I was really my aunt and uncle’s daughter! They were amazing to me ). When I left for university I contacted my mom a few times but she was always busy so I just gave up. Here is the issue , Sarah , my fiancé come from a very family oriented background. Family is everything to her.

Her family asked about mine I said my dad passed away and my mom is busy with her family and lives across the country( she lives one hour drive from us but this is what Sarah told them so I just didn’t correct them ). I didn’t entirely lie technically. Sarah asked me to invite my family to our wedding. I told her no. She said it’s very embarrassing not having only my aunt and her family on my side. I reluctantly invited my mom.

She called and asked me to apologize to Bob and my step and half siblings for not inviting them and invite them all. I told her no ! She said I’m being ungrateful and Bob was a father figure to me. I had a big argument with my mom over this. My mom now says the only way she comes is if I invite Bob, his daughter and their kids. Sarah is now pushing me to invite them all because she doesn’t wanna feel embarrassed in front of her family.

These people never even gave me card or said happy birthday to me so I see no reason to celebrate my big day with them. I on the other hand don’t wanna let my fiancé down. I just don’t know what to do? Should I swallow my ego and invite my family so my fiancé be happy ? I suggested eloping but Sarah is a firm no. AITAH to ruining my fiancé’s day by not fulfilling her wish ?

Edit : Sarah knows everything about my life. My aunt even talked to her about how they treated me when I was growing up. Edit 2: I will have a serious talk with Sarah tonight . I’ll try to update soon.

Update here: https://aita.pics/XzGhv

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

bdayqueen −  NTA – but I want to ask…. Is Sarah the person you want to spend your life with if she can’t understand that you are NC with your abusers?

ConsciousNectarine9 −  NTA but your fiancee is. She wants to put you through the ringer just to keep her family happy. I’m sorry but that is a major red flag waving in front of your face. If she is pushing you on this just to keep her family happy.. what else down the line is she going to push you on. She is supposed to be supporting you, not causing you distress!

Due-Reflection-1835 −  I’m sorry but if after hearing all your reasons for not wanting to invite them she is still more concerned with her own potential embarrassment…yeah. That kind of person really isn’t ready for a serious relationship.

grayblue_grrl −  Sarah is not your friend, never mind someone who loves you. She’s not much different than your mother. She’s willing to shove you aside, so she can make HER family happy. Please postpone the wedding and see a therapist. Sarah is another abuser.. NTA.

Apart-Scene-9059 −  Info: Did you ever actually ever explain to Sarah the real reason your distant from your family?

Open-Incident-3601 −  NTA but Sarah isn’t ready to be married. She’s already told you that keeping up appearances to her family matters more than your comfort. These are the partners that go behind your back and arrange a surprise a**ush of your family that you will hate and then you’ll be blamed because sure she was just trying to be helpful.. Don’t marry her.

Odd_Welcome7940 −  Plan a dinner and do something I rarely advise. Its time to a**ush your fiance. Sit with her family for a nice meal. During it explain it something like this. “I absolutely love how family oriented and supportive you all are. That said, I feel like there is something I have to explain. My mom remarried after my dad passed and chose a man who hated me. He is h**ophobic, and my mom took his side for everything.

So at the wedding and in the future they won’t really ever be involved. It sucks, but those are the cards I was dealt. What it taught me is that family is a choice, not a commitment. I did however, get extremely lucky. I have an aunt and uncle who basically saw what happened and more or less made me their own. So when I introduce you please know it’s complicated, but in the end they are my real family. I hope you can all accept and support that.”. NTA.

Low_Responsibility48 −  Sarah the AH here (and your mum and Bob). She is keeping up appearances to satisfy her family instead of your happiness on your wedding day.
Tell Sarah this is your “non negotiable” and the wedding is happening without your mum and Bob or there’s no wedding.

IngKaiser86 −  Are you sure Sarah is the person for you? She seems pretty dismissive of your boundaries and feelings.

Competitive-Week-935 −  Sarah is giant walking talking red flag. What else will you have to do to appease her family. NTA.