Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur?
Alright, so I posted this yesterday, and was genuinely o**rwhelmed by the comments, advice and support. I’d like to than everyone for it, and feel this warrants an update…
This was my original post: https://aita.pics/dXZOC
‘ Update: AITAH for refusing to take care of my niece after she called me a slur?’
Just to clarify a few things: My dad died from a heart attack two years ago, which came as no surprise because he smoked a lot and lived a pretty unhealthy life, so we weren’t really surprised – it wasn’t his first either. He was a great grandpa and a great dad before that and right up to the end. But his d**th left my mom alone and she doesn’t work.
My mom has MS, which is basically mostly steady, but slowly gets worse over time and flares up occasionally, and is made worse by stress, which my mom goes through now. A flare up often means the level she gets back to isn’t quite what it was before, so we mostly try to keep her stress free.
My dad had life insurance so her house is paid for and she had a little money, but there’s also a caretaker coming over 3 times a week to clean, cook, do shopping etc, which she can’t afford so me and my wife pay for. As I mentioned in a comment on the original post – me and my wife are doing probably better off financially then Barb & Bill. they have a fancy house and fancy cars but they have a mortgage and loans.
So, the great response I got made me think about this s**t again, and I thought how I could stand my ground without giving up on Tracy altogether, and figured there was no perfect solution, and I had to settle on \*something\*
I took the day off work because I just needed to process and deal with this s**t.
One comment on the original post really got to me – about how someone would feel in Tracy’s place, and I just can’t do it to her now. I know this isn’t the update some of you have wanted, but I just can’t. I love her like she was one of my own, and my kids do as well, and it’s not her fault. I unblocked my sister because obviously if I’m going to be interacting with her child, she needs to be able to reach me.
I talked to my mom during the day and she was (Again) distraught about having to pick Tracy up, which is pretty hard on her. I told her I was willing to do it, but I’m coming over and she’s going to have to hear me out, to which she agreed. I talked to her for a long time, avoiding snark and lashing out this time, and just explaining that basically how serious Nick was or how he is doesn’t matter.
I used that rocking the boat analogy someone linked to in comments, and further stressed my point by saying that it shouldn’t matter if I was justified or not in getting upset, I am her child and if something upset me it at least warrants giving me the benefit of the doubt before siding against me, and eventually it seemed to come through. She apologized and we hugged it out, and I think she got it.
She’s not a very confrontational person and generally really tries to keep the peace and this time she went about it wrong. I’m not saying I’m not mad, but she’s my mom and she apologized. I explained to her that she shouldn’t be covering for me because that means I have no leg to stand on when confronting Nick and Barb, and she was receptive to it.
I texted my sister that we needed to talk and I’ll drop Tracy off at their place tonight, to which I got a stoic thumbs up. I picked Tracy up from daycare today and she was overjoyed. she was actually a little possessive of me, staying by my side all afternoon instead of running off to play, which was cute but also made me feel like s**t a little, because that’s impact me not picking her up.
I explained to the best of my ability that she’s not in trouble and I’m not angry with her, but I \*am\* angry with her parents and we need to work that out, but I’ll do my best to not stop picking her up anymore, which she was really happy about.
I dropped her off in the evening and once she was in bed I sat down to talk with Barb and Nick. I told them flat out that mom wasn’t going to be covering for them anymore, and if they didn’t let me finish what I had to say, I would get up and leave, and they can find new arrangements for Tracy (didn’t mean it but they don’t need to know that).
They weren’t happy but they were willing to listen, so that’s progress, or a t least the threat working. I explained that this was the situation now – I don’t need them to mean their apology, but I sure as f**k was going to need one. This was principle now. I have spent \*years\* taking care of their child, and if they wanted to be assholes, I wasn’t going to do it for free. So this was how it goes now:
1. I am no longer going to be dropping her off in the morning until further notice. there was no excuse for the way Nick acted and it needed to have \*some\* lasting impact.
2. I was no longer going to be paying for family outings and family vacations. It was a man’s job to support his family, so good luck with that. The exception is Tracy – who is always welcome.
3. If I hear anymore BS being talked about me behind my back, I was going to start charging them from my service.
My plan was to dangle the thing they want – childcare. Restoring it, but at the same time giving \*some\* repercussions and threat of things getting hard for them again. I also laid it on pretty thick about how I am a man so I obviously have my pride and can’t have that be disrespected, even by my own family who I obviously love (don’t really consider Nick family but figured he wouldn’t figure that out).
Nick was \*not\* happy about this, and my sister actually had to take him outside to talk it out without me, but eventually they did agree to it, and I got my (admittedly half-hearted) apology. I could probably press it further, but I didn’t want to risk having to either back down or hurt Tracy again, so I took this.
There were no tears and no warm hugs, but I get to walk away with what I wanted – giving them some payback without having to give up my time with Tracy. I still plan to talk to my sister alone about her relationship with Nick and about how she sees me, but I figure I should let things calm down a bit before I do. I know this isn’t the resolution some (maybe most) of you wanted, but at the end of the day I need to find a solution I can live with, and for me this is it. Will update if anything changes.
Take a look at the comments from fellow users:
SlabBeefpunch − You were paying for their family vacations? Damn.
UpUpAndAwayThrow123 − Hold on, this “man” is we going on family vacations you paid for?? Hahahaja what an i**ot.
Kiria16939 − Repercussions for the adults is good, Tracy doesn’t feel punished but the adults have real consequences if they violate your boundaries, I think that’s really important.
Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 − YOU are subsidizing NICK’S family’s outings, vacations and childcare and *YOU* are not a man or man enough?? Nick is an insecure leech who sounds unsure about his own manhood. Stick to your guns about not funding any more of his leisure activities. He’s a piece of s**t.
Joopaboop − You are being very fair to Tracy here, but please, the minute you feel her parents are returning to the status quo of before you make it clear you’re done. Nick is going to be thinking of ways to get back at you and it’ll be snide and it’ll be passive aggressive, so please reiterate that anything you perceive to be an attack or an insult is enough to get their childcare revoked.
TheSassiestPanda − NTA all around and great job standing up for yourself while considering Tracy’s best interests. You’re a great uncle! I’m glad your mom saw the light and hopefully someday your sister will too. Nick needs to wake up and learn how to show a little gratitude to those who help him out! Unbelievable! 🤦🏼♀️
Agreeable-animal − Nick is lashing out because he doesn’t feel like a man because he struggles to support his family and sees you doing better than him. Fragile masculinity.
ZippyKoala − Nope, that is absolutely the best outcome, if for no other reason than Tracey has a good role model for what men can be, because clearly her father is a pretty shite one.
Material_Cellist4133 − Still think you are a doormat. I don’t think the punishment is harsh enough seeing you only got a half-hearted apology.. But not my rodeo.
Queasy-Flower-9258 − As much I would have enjoyed reading about you screwing over your relatives I can’t fault you for putting your niece first, she really loves you and you love her and that’s beautiful. I will say that your sister is an ungrateful s**tty sibling, and Nick is just a POS. I could write paragraphs of insults about that pathetic little man but I’ll spare you.