AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after she ignored me my whole life?

A Reddit user (26M) is facing a dilemma about whether to invite his estranged mother to his upcoming wedding. After years of feeling neglected and overlooked in favor of her stepchildren, he cut off contact when it became clear she wasn’t interested in maintaining a relationship. Now, out of the blue, she’s eager to attend his wedding and play the role of a supportive mother.

When he told her she wasn’t welcome and suggested rebuilding their relationship after the wedding, she accused him of holding a grudge. With family opinions divided, he’s wondering if he’s wrong for prioritizing his own feelings on his big day. To read the full story, check out the post below.

‘ AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after she ignored me my whole life?’

I (26M) am getting married to my fiancée,(let’s call her Sarah (25F), in a few months, and I’m super excited about it. But there’s one big issue with all the planning—my mom.

A little background: My parents divorced when I was 8, and my mom (let’s call her Layla) remarried pretty quickly after that. She married this guy, Dave, who had two kids of his own. Ever since, it’s like I was no longer a priority in her life. She focused all her attention on Dave and his kids. Like, I’m not exaggerating when I say she treated them way better than me.

They’d go on trips, she’d go to all their sport events, and they’d get everything they wanted. Meanwhile, I felt like I was invisible. She didn’t ask about my school, didn’t care about my friends, or even my mental health. I started to feel like I wasn’t even her kid anymore.

When I turned 18, I moved out. I thought maybe she’d care and try to stay in touch, but nope—she didn’t. I’d text her once in a while just to check in, and she’d either not respond or say she was busy with Dave and his kids. I figured if she didn’t care, why should I? So, I just stopped trying to reach out.

Fast forward to now. I’m planning my wedding, and out of nowhere, my mom starts texting me like we’re super close. She wants to know all the details, saying how excited she is, and even saying things like, “I can’t wait to see you start this new chapter.” Like… seriously? I haven’t heard from her in years, and now she expects to be front and center for my wedding?

I told her straight up that I didn’t want her there. I said I’m not comfortable with her coming after everything that’s happened, and that if she really wants to have a relationship, we can talk about it after the wedding, but not before. She started crying and saying I’m holding a grudge and that “I’m her son” and “she deserves to be there.” But I don’t know how I’m supposed to just forget the fact that she ignored me my whole childhood in favor of Dave’s kids.

Now, my family is split. Some of them think I’m right and that I shouldn’t just let her show up when she never showed up for me. Others think I should just let it go, and “it’s just one day” and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace. So… AITA for not letting my mom come to my wedding after everything that happened?

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

Bo_O58 −  She started crying and saying I’m holding a grudge and that “I’m her son” and “she deserves to be there.” And you’re her son who deserved to have mother that cared and prioritized you at least occasionally, but here you are. You’re well within your rights to hold that grudge until you feel comfortable letting her back into your life, which is not now.

Others think I should just let it go, and “it’s just one day” and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace. I hate this sentiment with a passion. What peace? You would not be at peace if you had your mom at your wedding.

Childhood n**lect is not something you forgive and forget for most people, especially when you’ve come to terms with not having a relationship with your parent. She doesn’t get to waltz back in to ruin what’s supposed to be one of the happiest day of your life.. NTA.

_s1m0n_s3z −  So she must have some sort of flying monkey among the people you ARE in touch with. Do you have any idea who? Someone has been keeping her abreast of developments, or she wouldn’t know anything about it.
I’d be tempted to be as brutal as necessary.

Tell anyone who raises the topic “I am not interested in granting her any kind of a redemption arc. I have learned how to live without having her in my life, and she without me. I have every intension of keeping it that way. The subject is closed.”

Thrwwymc −  NTA this is your wedding, you’re supposed to have the people you love around you, it’s not for her or anyone else. You said you would talk about things after the wedding which is reasonable. It’s up to you who you invite not your family, it may be unpopular with some of them but ultimately it’s your decision.

SugaryWetLips −  NTA. Your mom basically pulled a “Hey, stranger!” like she’s an old friend sliding into your DMs after ghosting you for years. Now, because it’s a big life event, suddenly she wants to play “proud mom”? Nah, she missed out on the backstage pass a long time ago.

It’s wild that she thinks she can just show up now like everything’s cool. She had all these years to be involved but chose Dave and his kids over you. That’s on her. Honestly, weddings are about celebrating with people who’ve been there through thick and thin, not people who show up out of nowhere when it’s convenient.

If she’s serious about reconnecting, she should respect that your wedding isn’t the time or place to start. You’ve offered to talk after, and that’s actually really mature. If she really cares, she’ll wait and try to rebuild something. Otherwise, she’s only proving your point.

AN4RCHY90 −  NTA mate, I say stick to your guns. End of the day its yours & your fiancée’s decision who comes, if she supports your decision then you have your answer.. Congrats on the wedding!

meeseeks2020 −  NTA. You are not obligated to “keep the peace” when the only one disrupting the “peace” is your absent mother trying to get free food and drink and glory at your wedding. Why would she ever expect to be welcome there? Her presence would be a painful reminder that she didn’t think you were worth the time of day. My guess is she will disappear again as soon as it’s over.

maleficentwasright −  Now, my family is split. Some of them think I’m right and that I shouldn’t just let her show up when she never showed up for me. Others think I should just let it go, and “it’s just one day” and that I should let her come to the wedding to keep the peace. But it’s not. It’s *your wedding* and a major milestone event in your life, which she has barely been a part of since she remarried. You *are* keeping the peace. It’s just your own you are keeping.

Where were the family members speaking up now when you were a child? Because before they start with ‘but she’s family/your mum/you only get one’ you need to shut them down on it because they were all more than happy to turn a blind eye to her missing your events, taking trips and pretty much ignoring your existence.

Make sure Sarah is completely on board with your decision (as there have been many, many posts where the S/O decided to try and ‘fix’ things by inviting people their partner is NC with) and stand firm. If your mum truly wants a relationship with you, she will wait until all the glory of the wedding has passed and get to know you and Sarah at a more appropriate time.. NTA.

GMO-Doomscroller −  I did not allow my dad on my wedding for similar reasons. I have never regretted that decision. Family members who gave me a hard time about it were also not invited and I went LC with them.

Danube_Kitty −  NTA. She hasn’t been a mom to you for years. It even doesn’t like she wants any reconciliation – no apology, no how are you, no real interest. Just demand after demand ignoring the fact you two have no kind of relationship for years.

It seems she just want to play important role that she doesn’t deserve, bring her family and have a good party with them. You decide. Not her, not family. If they want to keep peace…what about keeping that you have now without her in your life?

Anonymous_33326 −  I’m going to tell you something that I now use as my daily anthem; “your title, does not make you entitled!” I would say to her “you were not there for me as a child, after you divorced dad and remarried, you were not there for me as a teenager and the only reason you want to be here now is because you want to get dressed up and show me Off like I’m some trophy and I’m not here for that.”

If she continues to kick up a stink, I want you to get in contact with all of your vendors including the venue, set a password that only you and your partner know, and do not tell anyone else. Also, contact the venue and let them know of your mum’s name, a photo of her, her husband and the kids, so that way you can say they are not invited and if they rock up security will call police if they refuse to leave.