AITA: I told my mum she had no choice in where I went to uni and she said im aggressive and don’t care about her opinion?

A young student (18F) preparing for university is facing tension with her mom over choosing where to attend. The mom insists her opinion matters, especially since she’s offered financial support, but the student feels it’s ultimately her decision. After being accused of being aggressive for asserting her choice, she’s left wondering if she handled the situation poorly. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA: I told my mum she had no choice in where I went to uni and she said im aggressive and don’t care about her opinion?’

I F(18) am in college and work very hard as a student. My mum never really praises me she instead picks at bits I could do better. My teachers have definitely noticed this and try to give me praise for my efforts. Last week I decided I wasn’t going to apply to one of my university options as it is expensive, too far from home and the nightlife is not great.

When I told my mum this and shared my wishes to apply to other equally respected unis, that are better fits but not quite as good for my specific subject she said ‘I will have to think’. I then proceeded to tell her it was my choice not her decision.

She then stated that if I wanted living money to get through university she had influence and stated I had threatened her aggressively in saying it was my choice, seeming like I don’t appreciate her opinion. She then went on to state my degree is all about the quality of the uni because it won’t get me a job.

I find all this very insulting and while I am grateful to be offered money for support through my education I think If I am applying to a decent uni, it should be my choice where I decide as I have to live there for three years. So, AITA? 

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

rockology_adam −  NTA for making your own choices here, but you do realize that your mother will make her own choices about giving you money, right? Your mother is definitely the A-hole here for trying to make your choice for you, no matter what her reasons are, and holding money you might be expecting hostage is also A-holery… but it’s also something you have no control or rebuttal against.

If you need her money, she, unfortunately, gets a say, even if the only say she can really have is whether to give you the money or not. If you can do without her money, you are free to aggessively tell her to leave you alone.

Sometimes the questions here are abstract, because while you’re not the A-hole here, the practical side of this is that nothing anyone responds here will change your mother’s mind or her ability to hold her money over your head. You’re in the right, but this is one of those times where right may not translate to successful. Best of luck.

IndoorCloudFormation −  You sound like you’re based in the UK. Do you know how much maintenance student loan you will be eligible for? It is dependent on your household (ie. Parents) income. If they earn under the threshold (earn less than £25,000) then you will be entitled to the full maintenance loan and grant and it won’t matter at all what your mum says because you’ll be living off your student loan.

It would be nice to have a bit of parental top up, but you can very much live on a full student loan, especially if you get a part time job. If your parents earn over the threshold (earn more than £25,000) and you’re only eligible for part of the maintenance loan then it’s more difficult and yes you will have to rely on your mum for extra money for living expenses.

You can look at how much part time jobs pay, but it will depend on what course you’re doing and how many contact hours/study time you need. There is no point in working a job so hard that your uni work drops off. Alternatively, if your parents earn over the threshold then you can sometimes still claim the full loan/grant as an independent student. The conditions are pretty tough:

– You have the care of a person under the age of 18 on the first day of the academic year.

– You’re 25 or over on the first day of the academic year.

– You’ve been married or in a civil partnership before the start of the academic year, even if you’re now divorced or separated.. – You have no living parents.

– You’ve supported yourself for at least 3 years before the start of your course. This includes any time you: were in paid, full-time employment, received Income Support, Jobseeker’s Allowance or other state benefits, received any pension, allowance or other benefit because of a disability or by any reason of confinement, sickness or illness, received training under any scheme for the unemployed or other funding by any state authority or agency

– Your parents can’t be traced or it’s not practical or possible to contact them.

– Your parents live outside the European Union and an income assessment would put them in jeopardy, or it’s not reasonably practical for them to send funds to the UK if a contribution were assessed (this may apply to you if you’re a refugee).

– You’ve not communicated with your parents for one year before the beginning of the academic year, or you can demonstrate you’re permanently estranged from your parents.

– Subject to certain exceptions, you were looked after by a local authority throughout any 3-month period ending on or after the date on which you turned 16, and before the first day of the first academic year of your course.

So essentially, the key questions are what is the rough income for your household? And what course are you wanting to study (because maybe your mum is right, difficult to tell without knowing the course)?

You can access the Student Loan information on the gov.uk website [here](https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/student-finance-how-youre-assessed-and-paid/student-finance-how-youre-assessed-and-paid-2023-to-2024) if you’re based in England. And also make sure you talk to your tutor at college if you’re worried about financing your uni degree.

EDIT: don’t forget that your tuition fees will be paid by the Tuition Fee loan, so we’re only talking about maintenance/living expenses here.

Argylesox95 −  NTA for wanting to make the choice yourself, but don’t bite the hand that feeds you. You are coming off as aggressive. While I would say 95% of the time where the degree comes from doesn’t matter. universities vary widely in quality. Your mom is mostly concerned about you going to a “good” uni and you completing your desired degree.

Ultimately, in todays climate, economy, and other things, The education part is the most important bit. I get wanting to have more of a social life or whatever other reasons, but I think you are being antagonistic for the wrong reason.

If she is the one paying for you, she does get a say and she gets to set the terms. that’s how a lot of grants and scholarships are. If you don’t want to follow your moms terms, you will most likely need to find alternate funding.

klovver4 −  NTA. Your mom sounds like respect for her means total obedience and no mind of your own. She forgets (or doesn’t care) that you’re an actual person and that as such, you have a deserve agency.

Do be careful however if you do depend on her financially, and have few options not to. She will try to pull the strings that tied you to her as long as you maintain them, so perhaps try not to antagonize her to her face so much that she considers it an excuse to bind your hands with them. 

Hungry-Industry-9817 −  NTA, although you should know that companies can be degree snobs, so take that into consideration when applying.

LCJ75 −  NTA but be prepared to live with the consequences. As a parent I get a say if I am supporting you at all. We can compromise, discuss and come to an agreement for sure. But if my kid is ‘my way or the highway’ and I am not comfortable with said choice, i get to not support it.

Ok-Classroom5548 −  Info: are you in high school or at college? You say you are in college and that your teachers noticed how your mom talks to you? How? When have they witnessed this? Also, is the issue she wants you to apply to a uni that is expensive and far away and you don’t want that?  And how did you express this – loudly or angrily?

Because it sounds like she is pushing you to try for the high tier and you are settling for local. If you want something else, no biggie, but if you are deciding not to try for something out of fear, put on your big kid pants and apply. 

pl487 −  ESH. Welcome to power dynamics. If you need her financial help, she is in control, and you have to operate within her wishes.

Tinawebmom −  NTA wander over to raised by n**cissist subreddit. Go to the uni you want. It’s your life. Your mother refused your choice. You pushed back because…… It’s your choice! You are an adult, know the career you want and have every right to choose the uni that best suits your needs.

eowynsheiress −  ESH. If she is supporting you through university or paying for any part of it, she has the right to have an opinion in the decision. Never pick a university based on night life. Pick based on what will best suit you for your degree and future life. Your mom has some serious points… and you sound no older than your 18 years. Best wishes, but make a good choice, not a fun choice.

Was the student wrong to assert her independence, or is the mother being too controlling? Should financial contributions give parents more say in big decisions like university? Share your thoughts below!