WIBTA if I wanted to got to my sister’s wedding leaving my (33F) wife and 3 kids (11, 7 and 2) alone for 4 days?

A husband debates attending his sister’s wedding abroad for four days, leaving his wife, who doesn’t get along with his family, to care for their three kids alone. The wife is unwilling to take on full childcare responsibilities for that duration, stressing over the lack of external support. The husband feels torn between his role in his family and his obligations at home. Read the full story below.

‘ WIBTA if I wanted to got to my sister’s wedding leaving my (33F) wife and 3 kids (11, 7 and 2) alone for 4 days?’

My sister’s wedding is coming up, and I want to go, but my wife doesn’t. She doesn’t have a great relationship with my family, and while everyone is polite and cordial when they meet, a lot of issues have happened in the past. My wife really doesn’t want to deal with any more issues that might come up at the wedding. We have three kids and live in a different country.

I’ve asked my wife if it’s okay for me to go for five days – pre-wedding plus the actual wedding, as I am the eldest and this is the last wedding in my family. My dad also passed a couple of years back, so I kind of have the mantle passed on as the lead of the family. She was not okay with this and said that she can maybe look after the kids for a couple of days but not more than that.

we cannot get any support here as we dont have family and apart from school, the kids would be at home with the wife. The five days have now come down to four – I can go for the two days of the actual wedding and then come back, but me being there for the four days would mean a lot to my mum.

I asked my wife again, and she doesn’t want to talk about it as she gets stressed when I bring my family up. I am feeling quite indecisive and frustrated as I cannot make a decision without hurting people in my life.

Here’s what people had to say to OP:

andromache97 −  INFO: does your wife allow your children to see their extended family on your side and/or is there a reason you can’t bring a kid or 2? That would relieve your wife’s perceived burden and also give your kids a chance to get to know your family.

Far-Season-695 −  Info: I am curious as to the issues that have resulted in your wife not wanting to attend your sisters wedding

chubbypurpleponies −  Without any context of why your wife and family don’t get along: Go to the wedding. Take your children with you. Watch them yourself. You shouldn’t even need the family to help you, especially if you think your wife can do it by herself, amirite?

Your wife has given her reason and established a boundary. I have a suspicion your family was not kind to her/critical etc. and you supported them/were indifferent. Now, you want to interact with the family that wronged her and you want her to watch the children and put it all on her while you do what you want with no regard to her point of view.

You want her to be understanding for you, yet you are not being understanding of her stance? Just an observation. If you are going to ask advice, at least include all the information.

ececacademic −  INFO – we need the context regarding your wife and your family’s relationship. Is this a clashing of personalities or boundaries? Has your wife said you’re okay to spend time with them without her in general or is she unhappy? Is this a no fault situation or should you be siding with your wife or your family in this feud? And are your kids also no/low contact with your family or is it just your wife?

It’s hard to gauge whether this is a simple clashing of personalities and you should be there for your family, or if these are people who belittle your wife and you should be minimising contact along with your wife?

Either way, I think you’ve got to accept that you are equally responsible for your children as your wife, and if she’s not able/happy to care for your children solo for so long, it’s simply not possible. They’re your kids too. IF there isn’t other family drama going on, perhaps you should take the kids with you and give your wife a break?

You don’t get to unilaterally decide to leave your kids to your wife, how would you feel if she did the same thing without your blessing/acceptance? But, seriously, it’s never promising when a wife refuses to interact with her in laws at all! Feels like there’s story missing here.

Individual_Ad_9213 −  NTA. Go to the wedding; take your eldest child as your plus one. They should be able to behave and, probably, will feel happy to see that side of the family. Your wife is using her reluctance to be involved with your family as a way of interfering with your relationship with them. That’s not okay.

murphy2345678 −  Info needed- I think your wife is making you choose her or your family. It’s not about the wedding. It’s about you going and seeing your family. The only way you are the AH is if they treated your wife bad and you didn’t defend her to them. If you didn’t stand up for her then this is just another example of you putting her last.

anon19111 −  I think this hinges on the nature of the issues between your wife and family. Are they of the “my family are r**ist or classist and never accepted my wife” variety OR are they the “they are oil and water and both stubborn so haven’t really bonded” type of issue? If your family has done your wife wrong then I’d probably vote Y T A. Otherwise, NAH.

Repulsive-Plane9429 −  She can’t handle the kids for 4 days, two of them are in school? Four day is a couple of days. She needs to talk about it, how about you offer to set up a babysitter for one of the days. NTA tbh, I am sure their is a compromise somewhere tho but your wife needs to talk to you about it 

Logical-Layer9518 −  INFO: What is the reason for the less-than-great relationship? Who instigated the issues?

No_Inflation_5480 −  Info: I’m wondering if part of the reason it’s upsetting your wife is if they had a lot of issues in the past and she feels like she’s being punished and they’re being rewarded if you go for the full time.

My SIL has behaved pretty shittily towards me (refused to acknowledge the birth of my daughter bc she was mad I had a baby first even though we were really close before pregnancy) and when my husband left to go to their wedding I wasn’t thrilled about it.

I had family to help me every day though and I love my MIL and FIL and wanted my husband there for them so I was overall okay but if I disliked all of them then I might have some irrational emotions about it. I’d have an open conversation about it.

Would it be fair for the husband to attend his sister’s wedding, considering his wife’s concerns and the childcare responsibilities involved? How would you balance family obligations and spousal support in this situation? Share your thoughts below!