AITAH for telling my NIL off while she was trying to correct my wifes parenting on the phone?

A Reddit user shared a story about finally standing up to their mother-in-law (MIL), who has a habit of criticizing their parenting during frequent phone calls with their wife.

When the MIL crossed the line with harsh comments about their daughter, the user couldn’t stay silent, delivering a sarcastic response that ended the call abruptly. Read the story below to decide if they were justified.

‘ AITAH for telling my NIL off while she was trying to correct my wifes parenting on the phone?’

My MIL is notorious for giving advice when it’s not solicited. My wife will never stand up to her mom and will end up breaking down after the call in my arms. I have heard it enough times where I am starting to speak up.

They talk almost every day on the phone which is great, where I draw the line is MIL has her marriage, we have ours, don’t get into business that you don’t want anyone getting into of yours. MIL loves to make comments on “what we are doing wrong” or “what she did” in cases where it’s not asked for an not wanted.

This morning thry were facetiming and she was critical of my wife not being stern enough with our daughter. I heard it but was trying to keep the peace and was doing something so i kept quiet.

Minutes later with me in the room, she mentioned that “we need to get her on a schedule” and that we are “f#$*ING her up.” We have a schedule, it’s the weekend, we spent 30 minutes in bed with our daughter on a Sunday. Really f#$*ING her up right?

While they were facetiming, our daughter was hungry and a little fussy so that’s where the comment came in. I lost it then, I said out loud, “If I wouldn’t have know, we’re are babysitting her child, I didn’t know she had another kid” to my wifes bewilderment and her jaw down, she couldn’t believe I said that.

All I heard from their facetime is, “I have to go, click” as she scowled at my wife. Wife isn’t upset at me cause she knows her mom.was in the wrong but said I was an a**hole. AITAH for essentially telling my mother in law she is to involved in our child’s upbringing?

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Individual_Ad_9213 −  NTA. It sounds like your wife has been so gaslit by her mom that she can’t/won’t stand up for herself. Of course, you get to hear the results of her mother’s nonstop criticism, which is unfair to both of you.

The solution, if there is one, is for your wife to tell her mother that, whenever she (your MIL) starts criticizing your child rearing practices, she (your wife) will end the conversation right then and there.

From then on, the moment MIL says anything other than how wonderful her grandchild is, your wife just ends the call — same as MIL did when you spoke up. Good luck with that, though.

cecillegripe −  your wife can’t be mad at you for protecting YOUR child. she’s probably still just kind of scared or subservient to her mother and thats whats holding her back, because obviously she agrees her mum isnt the best parent.

glenmarshall −  NTA. Pushing back hard on a busybody is always OK. You MIL needed a reality check.

lindylady9601 −  NTA. It is tough to learn to stand up to your a**sive parents.  They raised her an installed all the emotional buttons, and they know just how to push them.  How does BIL enforce boundaries with MIL?

Maybe your wife would feel more courageous if she followed his lead. Or, the least confrontational “attack” response would be “mom, I know you are trying to help, but if I want your help raising my kids I will ask.  If I don’t ask, then please don’t criticize our parenting”.  Repeat as needed, then hang up.

TopSecret34Throwaway −  NTA, but sounds like your wife needs to make more of an effort to emotionally distance herself from her parents and their judgment. I mean, this comment “Wife isn’t upset at me cause she knows her mom.

was in the wrong but said I was an a**hole” is seriously contradictory – does she think you are an AH in which case she IS upset because she thinks you did something wrong, or does she think her mom is wrong in which case you are not the A-hole?!

Is your wife working with a therapist at all? It might be good for her to get some reassurance and coping strategies on how to deal with her mom from a neutral party. She claims that she knows she shouldn’t listen to her mom, yet she does and it makes her upset and doubtful about herself.

She needs to set firm boundaries and stand up for herself, her parenting, and your family. Whether her parents were particularly critical or a**sive is hard to judge from a reddit post (though it does sound like it),

but she needs to look at this and address it head on so she doesn’t repeat the same mistakes and, most importantly, doesn’t role model to your child that it’s okay for her parents to talk down to her like that. In truth, nobody’s parents are perfect – everybody’s parents eff up sooner or later, even with the best of intentions.

That’s not an excuse to not do better though, that’s why communication is so important. Ultimately, your wife cannot change her parents behaviour even if she openly challenges their lack of boundaries and judgmentalness,

so she needs to think about how she can react to it in a more healthy way (so she doesn’t get upset about it anymore) or by limiting contact altogether. I wish you and your family best of luck but to reiterate, you’re NTA for standing up to your MIL’s comments.

booboo773 −  NTA. You didn’t go nuclear. You just stated something and the fact that she took offense to it shows she knows what she’s doing. She just didn’t expect to get called out on it.

Adventurous-travel1 −  NTA – if she wants to be a doormat with her own life that is fine but I wouldn’t stay quiet going forward when it comes to your child.

Good for you as someone needs to standup to her and be a good parent. People are pathetic making excuses like that is how they are. Then be an adult and standup to her and stop using that excuse.

[Reddit User] −  You stood up for yourself and your wife. The armchair critic IN laws can push anyones buttons

WhereWeretheAdults −  NTA. Your wife is in a fragile state. She is starting to have her “aha” moments. She has spent her entire childhood in an a**sive environment. She has normalized the abuse. She has accepted the lies and believes them.

Typical parental abuse lies are such things as, the parent is the sole authority figure in their lives, the parent must be unquestionably obeyed, the abuse is only because the parent is doing what is best for the child, and the child is actually to blame for all of the abuse the child endures.

These lies are very powerful and have long lasting effects. You are seeing the result of these lies. The daily facetimes are her mother reinforcing her position as the authority in your wife’s life. The “aha” moments are when the adult survivor of childhood abuse begins to question the truths they believe.

They are small steps in the right direction. But the guilt is strong around disobeying her parents, they make sure of this through their lies and constant manipulation. Now is the time to be supportive, but not pushy. Find ways to gently remind her that her mom’s actions are unhealthy. The best leverage you have in this is your child.

Try to get her maternal instincts into play. If she is not willing to step back from her mother for herself, she may be more open to doing it for your child. Be careful as she is struggling with her fundamental beliefs. Many times, therapy helps.

The victim (your wife) may accept criticisms of her relation with her mother from an outsider she perceives as an authority figure in the matter. Many victims are resistant to therapy, a common tactic from an abuser is to forbid or dissuade anything that will expose the abuser. Therapy is one of those things.

CivilAsAnOrang −  NTA. Since she struggles to stand up to her mother and you don’t, would you guys consider having you help with the calls more? My friend had an a**sive mother. She asked her husband to participate in the calls, mostly silently.

But if her mother got n**ty, her husband would chime in on the phone with, “Are you being n**ty again? Sounds like this call is over,” and hang up. Worked wonders to get MIL to behave better.

Was the user justified in speaking up to defend their wife and parenting choices, or should they have handled the situation differently to keep the peace? How would you navigate conflicts with an overly critical in-law? Share your thoughts below!