AITA for refusing an impossible demand from my fair-weather bio dad?

A Reddit user shared their frustration over a repeated issue with their sister-in-law (SIL), who continues to bring food to seasonal dinner parties despite being explicitly asked not to.

After throwing away the cornbread her SIL brought to the most recent gathering, tensions flared, leading to a heated argument about boundaries and respect. Read the full story below to decide who’s in the wrong.

‘ AITA for refusing an impossible demand from my fair-weather bio dad?’

I (41M) grew up entirely with my single mother. Jane (77F, but a cisman at the time) was a CEO entrepreneur who met my mom because she was scraping by as one of his assembly line workers.

Jane abandoned me after I was born because “taking care of a baby is impractical while running a business,” and my mother “already has another kid, so it makes more sense.” As I grew, Jane dropped in 1-2 times a year to take me on short trips to places she wanted to see.

Then she would send my mom angry letters afterward about how improper it was that I sipped the milk directly from my cereal bowl and didn’t own “three levels of clothing” for different events. When I was 18, Jane got herself an absolutely wretched girlfriend who would later become her wife.

“Lena” (67F)  is a trust fund baby who has never worked a real day in her life, and has three spoiled rotten children. For two decades, her relationship with Jane consisted of screaming fights, outrageous jealousy, possessiveness, vindictiveness.

And hyper-controlling aggression marked by explosive public tantrums and verbal assaults on everyone else in Jane’s life. Many years ago in my early 30s, she publicly attacked me at Jane’s birthday dinner over a completely incorrect idea of why I parted ways with an ex-partner years earlier.

She did this in front of my current partner, and demanded outrageous and intrusive details about my private life over it. I calmly told her it was none of her business, and I left. Amends were never made, because unsurprisingly, Lena never took responsibility for her outrageous behavior.

A few years later, Jane finally divorced Lena, but in the aftermath, we never really got much closer because frankly, I don’t really trust Jane and she has never been there for me. She still only reaches out to me when it’s convenient for her,

and shows zero reflection on how a lifetime of parental n**lect affected me and complicated every part of the way I grew up and found a place in the world. Recently, Jane has decided not just to reconcile with Lena, but that they will soon remarry.

She now wants me to accept and forgive all past “gripes and grievances” as she has, and become “one big happy family.” I have held my ground and refused to allow someone so unstable back into my life, and especially around my wife or children.

To be honest, I am morally offended by Jane’s cluelessness, and in our last conversation, I lost my temper and told her off. How can someone who put in a <1% effort for 41 years now come around demanding the moon and stars from me?

Her position is that if I don’t allow this toxic, volatile person back into my life, she will disinherit me. I told her to go f**k herself. Last week, a relative reached out and asked me to go to therapy and reconcile. Her argument? The holidays are coming and it’s inconvenient that we are estranged. I’m at wits end here.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Only-Memory2627 −  NTA. Feel free to remind the wannabe mediator relative of all the s**t that Jane and Lena have pulled over the years, but try to do it calmly.

You don’t have to, but consider if you would be willing to talk if one or both of them sincerely apologizes or if there are other actions they could take that would convince you to try again. The mediator relative could convey your conditions. But again, you don’t have to do anything for these people.

FieldBuddy −  NTA. Jane was barely there when you needed her and now expects you to just forgive everything on her terms, without taking any real responsibility for the past. You have every right to keep your distance from someone who essentially abandoned you, never made any amends, and wants to bring a toxic person back into your life.

The ultimatum about inheritance is just another attempt to control you instead of building a genuine relationship. And the relative telling you to “make peace for the holidays” is piling on even more pressure, while ignoring your boundaries and what you’ve been through.

Honestly, it sounds like you’ve really thought this through, and it is completely fair to protect yourself and your family from someone who hasn’t earned the right to be close. Therapy could be a good idea, but only if it is for you, not just to force a reconciliation.

ExistenceRaisin −  NTA. Jane is toxic and she was never there for you as a parent. She abandoned you. Just because she wants to reconcile with Lena, doesn’t mean you need to be involved with their unhappy lives

Little_Loki918 −  Absolutely NTA. Only you know whether the inheritance is enough to buy your peace or what faking reconciliation would look like and require. Jane is pretty old as it is.

You could also see a trusts and estates lawyer to understand whether it is possible for Jane to disinherit. If we are talking Jeff Bezos money, I personally would pretend to reconcile so that in d**th I would get some recompense for the childhood n**lect.

Aware_Welcome_8866 −  LOL! Because holidays are so much better with screaming fights, outrageous jealousy, possessiveness and vindictiveness. NTA. Jane has a picture of a Norman Rockwell Christmas in her mind, while you, dear, have a realistic picture and are acting accordingly.

SomeoneYouDontKnow70 −  NTA. Go to therapy if you want, but as I’m sure your therapist will tell you, you’re under no obligation to reconcile. Just don’t let your relative pick the therapist. Pick your own, and keep their contact information to yourself.

A therapist that they’ve bought and paid for won’t do you any good. By the way, who is it inconvenient for that you are estranged? It sure was inconvenient for you while you were growing up, but I doubt it’s inconvenient for you now.

thebigbrainenergy −  Just because they’re blood, doesn’t mean they’re family. NTA. Do what you need to do in order to protect yourself. I’m so sorry for all your traumas and hope you can make peace with yourself, for yourself.

GothPenguin −  Jane is many things but your family isn’t one of them. NTA

rocking_womble −  Her position is that if I don’t allow this toxic, volatile person back into my life, she will disinherit me.. I told her to go f**k herself. Sounds like you’ve handled perfectly…. NTA

IllTemperedOldWoman −  You don’t have to be at your wit’s end. You have literally nothing to lose by cutting them off. You are not getting love now, and you can be assured the threats of disinheritance are empty.

Can you imagine Lena ever allowing for you to be left an inheritance? LOL. Inform the relative that you are unable to comply, and leave it at that. NTA

Was the Reddit user justified in enforcing their boundaries about bringing food, or should they have handled the situation more diplomatically? How do you think conflicts over hostess gifts and boundaries should be addressed? Share your thoughts below!