AITA because I told my wife I don’t want to loan money to family?
A man shares his frustration about his wife’s family repeatedly asking for financial help. Despite helping out twice—once as a gift and once as a loan—they’re now being asked for more money. He put his foot down, refusing to give or loan more, as he believes it won’t solve the underlying financial issues and could harm their own savings for a house. Now he wonders if he’s being unfair. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA because I told my wife I don’t want to loan money to family?’
Long story short, my wife and I have been together for about years. Her family hasnt made good decisions when it comes to money. I don’t mean to judge people and I say live your life your way.
Several months ago her mom came to us asking to borrow $1000. My wife and I talked it over. I told her I don’t like to loan money to family as it usually led to bad feelings. It’s her mom and I know it was hurting her that her mom had to ask us for money. So we decided the money was a gift and we didn’t want the money back.
2 months later she needs another $600. I am pretty annoyed at that point. This is the slippery slope. After much back and forth we said ok, but this WAS a loan and she would start paying $200 a month starting in October. My wife and I agreed this was the last time we would payout.
Fast forward to last Tuesday. I get home and my wife says her mom is in a panic and that they will be evicted from their lot if the don’t come up with $1600 by today. That’s in addition to the $1600 we had already give.
I said I was sorry and that I would help come up with some ideas but I told my wife I was no longer willing to loan or give out money as it obviously isn’t fixing her mom’s financal issues.
Am I being unfair by putting my foot down and saying enough is enough and we cannot be responsible. We are saving for our down payment on a home. I know it’s her mom but I feel if we don’t set these boundaries it will end up damaging my relationship my wife.
I’m no saint or a victim so please don’t read it that way. We all make mistakes and get into tough spots. That said my first responsibility is to our family unit. Me, my wife, and two kids. Looking for some feedback, thanks
See what others had to share with OP:
Aggressive_Cattle320 − NTA. Her mother obviously has some type of problem with not being able to manage her finances or similar. She needs to sit down with her mother and try to get to the root of the problem as to why she is in this financially difficult place.
Lending, more and more and more, just keeps putting a band aid on the problem, instead of fixing it. I would not loan another dollar until you find out exactly what is going on with her continued shortage of money.
SoImaRedditUserNow − I don’t think you’re an a**hole. But you’re likely right in that I don’t see how this won’t impact your relationship with your wife. here’s another thought, what about your MIL moving in with you guys after they’re evicted? Yikes.. For what its worth NTA.
You do have a fair point. Ask your wife where does it end? Since you opened the spigot, seems like a pattern has developed with no end in sight. So say you give them 1600 now. At this point its also fair to ask “Why do you keep needing money? Why don’t you have your rent this time?”.
Whats the plan for next month? They’d be into you for 2200 bucks (as that first 1k was a gift). Soooooo… how do they plan on paying you back when they can’t even pay their regular bills. Your wife may be pissed, but she’s got to look at reality. Again tho… what happens when MIL gets evicted. Where does she go then?
TheBerethian − NTA. Did they make the October payment? And what was the $1600 previously for?
servicingstr8men48 − NTA…and you guys are not a bank. Every time you give or loan them money, you are enabling them to continue to do such behavior. It hurts to see people struggle, expressly the ones you love, but if you don’t put your foot down now they will only drag you and your wife down with them.
Family is the worst to do business with, and they are definitely the worst to lend money to. That is why I do not discuss anything about my salary or the amount of money I make with any of my family members because I know there would be lining up outside my door with their hands out.
Good luck, OP! And I hope your wife sees and understands that continuing this behavior is only going to lead to more requests for money. You put it in your foot down now is not a bad thing.
extinct_diplodocus − NTA. The term you’re looking for is “throwing good money after bad”. Without further info, you’d just be enabling MIL’s awful money management decisions. How did she get into this spot? What plans does she have to avoid having this happen again?
As long as you are acting as her no-strings-attached ATM, she has little or no incentive to change. You already said that the most recent money you gave her was the last. If you backslide on this, you will get no respect and no limit on MIL’s needs for more money. She’s an adult and gets to make decisions about how she handles her money. She also gets to live with the consequences of her decisions.
SweetGoonerUSA − Dear Good Guy OP, You say you don’t care why she needs the money. Why? It would matter to me. Is she dying of cancer and in debt to hospitals and doctors? Is Dad’s yearly dementia nursing home bill $100,000 a year?
Even if you’re not in a position to help the above scenarios financially you can help find resources and help apply for state aide and charity help. On the other hand, is she gambling at the casinos? Buying lottery tickets daily? Buying overpriced junk makeup and jewelry on TV or online all day long? Are they eating out daily?
Taking vacations they can’t afford? Driving a junk heap that keeps breaking down? Is Dad buying hunting and fishing equipment he can’t afford? Playing golf daily? Restoring cars? Neither one working while they lounge and watch TV all day long? Feeding a mistress behind MIL’s back? Constantly bailing out the family jail bird and hiring lawyers? Paying for rehab 20 times for the family addict?
You need a plan no matter what or the freeloaders will be camping in your driveway or spare room until the day they die. Some families adore their cheerful sweet live in built in baby sitter who can throw a football, cook an amazing meal, teach a foreign language, and likes to do laundry Nonna.
Some love Big Daddy living with them and his fabulous woodworking and renovations and teaching the kids opera and piano and how to keep baseball stats. Most? Not likely. There are church resources. County resources. County social workers. State resources.
But you can’t take care of your family and make their monthly mortgage, too. That’s money from your own kids’ mouths and your future retirement. Good luck. I hope your wife agrees with you that this cannot continue or y’all will be living off your own kids someday.. NTA., OP.
AsuraRathalos − NTA what on earth are they doing that they’re that far behind on their rent/whatever. Your wife is being used and will continue to be used if she lets them because “family.”
I hope she stays true it communication and possibly you don’t have a joint savings account because this can become real messy really quickly There’s a story on here where a dudes gf gave her sister like 50k, and while I don’t think your wife might go that far, it’s a slippery slope
Zeit247 − NTA. You’ve helped her generously and she’s coming back for more. You’re not your in-laws’ bank.
OhmsWay-71 − NTA. In fact, you were quite generous. This is a never ending cycle. Good to stop it now.
Complex-Anxiety-7976 − NTA. I tried to “help” my family out of financial bonds, and they NEVER learned to be self sufficient. I put my foot down, and yes, a couple of bad things happened, but they’re on their own and doing better now. I was enabling their bad behavior.
Was the man right to set financial boundaries to protect his family’s future, or should he be more flexible given the situation with his wife’s mother? How would you balance family obligations and financial security? Share your thoughts below!