AITA for telling my mom my family won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving this year?

A 24-year-old woman decided to spend Thanksgiving at home with her fiancé and daughter to start new traditions and accommodate her partner’s work schedule. Her mother became very upset upon hearing this and accused other family members of upsetting her daughter. Feeling guilty about setting boundaries, the woman apologized and offered to attend Thanksgiving after all, but her mother has yet to respond. Read her full story below.

‘ AITA for telling my mom my family won’t be coming home for Thanksgiving this year?’

I (F24) moved in with my fiancé (F26) in June. Before this move, I have always lived in my hometown, where my parents live. We now live 2 hours away.
Before I moved with in with my partner, my daughter (F5) and I have always spent holidays with my parents.

My partner would drive up when she could, depending on her work schedule and the road conditions. This year my partner and I decided to stay home for Thanksgiving for a multitude of reasons.

The first of which is because we want to begin our own traditions as a family in our first home together. The second of which is because of my partner’s work schedule. She will be working everyday from November 25th – December 7th, with the exception of Thanksgiving day. I am also making her staff a full meal to bring in on Black Friday and will need time to prep.

The third reason is that I have reached a point in my life where I believe I should not do whatever I am told by my mother and do what I want. It was very difficult for me to come out to my parents and almost harder to move away from them. My parents were a**sive, kicked me out as a minor, and I spent many holidays homeless and alone.

Once we reconnected, I have done everything to make sure they don’t discard me again. My mother has never apologized for anything she has done to me. I have never made plans on holidays because I know they want me there, however they never check if I do have plans in the first place.

Tonight (11/14) I, my mother, and my daughter were on a FaceTime call just catching up. My mother said she would see us in a couple of weeks for Thanksgiving. I told her that we were not coming and she was shocked. I told her that my fiancé had to work and that I was making food for her staff the next day and with the road conditions, it seemed like a lot.

She was immediately upset and said she bought things for my daughter and that if we weren’t going to come to her, she was going to come to us with my father. She began bawling and hung up the call with me. She then yelled at my father saying it was his fault we were not coming and he must have done something to upset us.

She also asked my sister if she upset me. I began receiving calls from each family member asking if I was mad at them or what had happened. At this point I was bawling my eyes out as I had never really set boundaries before with my mother and I did feel guilty. My fiancé and I talked about it and decided to cave in because I could not handle the stress.

I called my mom to apologize and she did not answer my call. I then sent her a long text, where I apologized profusely multiple times, explained that I was not upset with anyone, and that if they would still have us, we would love to go.

It has been 6 hours and she has not responded to my text. I do understand I should have let her know about this sooner, It was very difficult for me to tell her which also led to me avoiding the topic until she brought it up. Am I the a**hole?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

GardenWitch123 −  NTA but you will be to yourself if you go.

Ipso-Pacto-Facto −  YTA. Your a**sive mom threw a fit and you’re f-ing up your commitment to your partner.. Terrible.

ZookeepergameWise774 −  YTA if you cave in to her and go. You need to send her a second message saying that having looked CAREFULLY at the logistics of this, you just cannot make it work. I would even go further and point out that you feel that it’s time to start creating new holiday traditions centred around you, you Fiancée and your child.

Look at it from your Fiancée perspective. She gets ONE day off,and was expecting to spend it with you and your child, relaxing. Now, you’re suggesting a four hour round trip to the in-laws, with all the surrounding pressure. To say the least, that seems a little unfair.

I think, you know, that a bit of therapy might be very helpful for you. You say that you have done “everything to make sure that they don’t discard me again”. What have they done to accept and apologise for their behaviour?

Because, you KNOW they were wrong, don’t you? Look at your child – would you ever consider doing to them what was done to you? No? Then….. why was it okay for you? I’m NOT saying go NC or even LC (although you may have to, at least at the beginning), but, at the very least, you need to start to establish new, strong boundaries.

KTKittentoes −  Sounds like she’s still a**sive.

lilolememe −  NTA. OP, this is emotional abuse. I know she’s your mother, but this behavior is toxic. She’s trying to manipulate you. If you can’t do this for yourself, do it for your daughter and partner – don’t go.

There is no way you can drive 4 hours round trip and take care of your obligations. This is also not fair to your partner. She’s going to be exhausted working so much, traveling and spending time with your family. She needs downtime.

If you’re not seeing a counselor, you should. They can help you learn how to work through this type of relationship. You need to deal with this baggage now, so you’re not carrying it for the rest of your life. If you allow your mother to control you now, she will take every opportunity to control you in the future.

Don’t let her occupy that space in your head. You will regret it, and you’ll never have peace. You shouldn’t have to earn her love and respect. It’s exhausting, and you have a partner and child that loves you. THIS is who you should certain your energy on.

lipgloss_addict −  What broke my heart what your comment that you have done every thing you can not to be discarded again. Please get some therapy. This is a sign that you are still being hurt from the impacts of childhood abuse.

You did nothing to deserve it.  And there is nothing you can do to prevent a**sive people from being a**sive.  That is their issue. Think about what this is teaching your own daughter. 

SweetBekki −  did it not crossed your mind that this is a manipulation tactic? Your mother knew what she was doing and she got want she wanted in the end.. you texting your mother frantically changing your mind.🙄. – You should NEVER apologise for putting your own family first.

InevitableWillow4982 −  NTA: If she can’t respect that you have other conflicting issues, then you shouldn’t be going. Thanksgiving is just day, it can be celebrated another time with the family where more people can come.

Mediocre-Peanut-5906 −  UPDATE: Thank you all for the input, it has really helped and validated the way I have felt for years. I do agree that I should not have caved in and apologized and many of the comments have opened my eyes to how this can affect my daughter. I have a lot of growing to do and as so many of you stated, I need to grow a backbone.

My finance’s family lives six hours away, her mother reached out awhile ago and we told her thar we would be unable to make it and she was completely fine with that. We are planning to go see them in December for a weekend trip before Christmas.

My mother did end up texting me this morning, I have obviously edited the text to remove names and such, but she said: “I’m sorry that I got so upset. When you moved, you said that we would always be able to spend the actual holiday together because your partners family lives so far away.

You and your daughter moving has been devastating to me. I don’t have any family other than you kids and my uncle. Spending time with you brings me so much joy, and has been such a big help when your siblings moved away. I need to find other things and people to bring me happiness. I may adopt a child.

It’s not your responsibility to make me happy. You have a new family now, and you should do what’s best for your partner. I just didn’t realize how alone and unloved I feel. I have had one disappointment after the next since 2016. Your daughter is the light of my life. She is the most loving, happy, positive, kind, enthusiastic person that I have ever known.

❤️ The world would be a better place if there were more people like her in it. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter. Don’t feel bad. This is about me. I’m sorry if I have done anything or said anything to upset you or your partner. I love you guys and I would never want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship.

I chose to stay in in this state after you moved because I wanted to be close to you guys and be able to watch your daughter grow up. I want what’s best for you and I am so glad that you have found happiness. Please don’t change your plans for us. I never want to be a burden or an imposition.

I have never wanted to end up like my mother in law. When no one wanted to come home for Thanksgiving, I realized that I must be as unlikeable as she was. I have a lot of work ahead of me to change that. 💪🏻”

I feel like this text was a a step in the right direction for her, but obviously there are some alarming parts of it. I also never said we would spend every holiday there and I never want to exclude my in laws, so I am not sure where she got that from. My sister was planning to come home from college for thanksgiving but my mother said she never confirmed her plans.

She is now not going to come home, as my mother did not care if she did and only cared that her granddaughter was not coming. My brother is stationed on the East coast and could simply not get leave to come home. It’s all just very m**ipulative to say no one wanted to come.

Ultimately my fiancé and I have decided to continue our own plans. I am going to give my mother a couple days to cool down and then respond to her text informing her of this. From there, I am going to go back to therapy and am going to stand my ground, no matter how uncomfortable and hard it is. It’s just not fair to my created family or myself.

imamage_fightme −  NTA but you will be if you allow her to control your life to this extent. I’m sorry sweetie, but she is still a**sive. She has emotionally manipulated you into capitulating to her will, and you collapsed like a sandcastle in high tide. You had plans. You made specific plans for your little family unit.

And a few crocodile tears from your mother and some text messages from family members was enough to send you dumping your plans and giving in to her will. Hon, this will never end! You will spend your entire life bending to her whims if you do not nut up and tell her you are doing what *you* want.

Let me be frank, you remind me a lot of my mother and her relationship with her own parents. My mother was emotionally and mentally abused by her parents her whole life. Nothing she ever did was good enough. Any time she struggled, it was her fault and her problem and they didn’t give a f**k.

Even now, in her late 50’s, my mother is still chasing after their approval and love, even though she will never get it. I realised that very early on as a child, and I cut my grandparents off in my teens as I realised they were terrible people.

I also have gone on to be low contact with my mother, because her behaviour was toxic in its own ways. Do you want that to be your legacy with your own child? Do you want her to grow up watching her mum being treated like s**t by grandma?

Do you want her to think that’s okay, or one day judge you for not standing up for yourself? If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for her. Generational trauma through toxic family relationships is a real thing and it is incredibly damaging.. Good luck.

Do you think the woman should have held firm on her decision to stay home for Thanksgiving, or was her apology the right move to keep the peace? How do you navigate setting boundaries with family during the holidays? Share your thoughts below!