AITA for not coming home during the day to let my (23F) boyfriend’s (26M) dog out while I’m trying to finish my thesis?
A 23-year-old master’s student is struggling to balance her academic responsibilities with her boyfriend’s expectations around his dog. As she works long days to meet a critical thesis deadline, her boyfriend insists she come home during the day to care for his pet, despite her already handling morning duties.
While she suggested hiring a dog walker, he refuses and views her refusal to return home as avoiding responsibility. The stress is further compounded by his dismissal of her desire to eventually get a cat. Read the full story below.
‘ AITA for not coming home during the day to let my (23F) boyfriend’s (26M) dog out while I’m trying to finish my thesis?’
My boyfriend of 3.5 total years and I have been living together for 1.5 years now in an apartment with one other roommate. My boyfriend got the dog (5M) around the time we met, and I love him. I take care of the dog every morning because my boyfriend doesn’t wake up early enough, but we both leave for the day around 7:30 a.m.
I’m in my third semester of my master’s program, and my advisor expects a first draft of my thesis in three weeks so I can graduate on time in May. I work best in my office, where I have a second monitor and space to spread out research materials. I also have ADHD and take medication, so I’m most productive in long, uninterrupted blocks of time before evening hours.
Previously, I could stay home late or come home early from school to help with the dog. My boyfriend’s old job was only 15 minutes away from the apartment, so he could come home for lunch, and sometimes our roommate let the dog out at 3 p.m. Since October, my boyfriend started a new job 30 minutes away, and I’m now pulling 12-hour days with classes, teaching, grading, and my thesis.
This has led to arguments about the dog’s care. For example, today (Friday), I planned to work on my thesis all day in my office since I have no meetings, labs, or classes. However, as I was leaving, my boyfriend told me that I needed to at least come home once during the day to let the dog out.
I reminded him that it takes me 30 minutes to commute each way (15-20 minutes of walking to my car + 10 minute drive) and that I work best with uninterrupted blocks of time. He accused me of deliberately avoiding responsibility and said I should help because I had no other obligations. I told him that I am happy to take care of the dog when I can, but that he shouldn’t expect me to take care of him more than I actually can.
I already take the dog out every morning at around 7:15 a.m., but that leaves a long gap until our roommate comes home at 3 p.m. While I feel bad about that, I cannot afford delays in my thesis timeline. If I do not graduate on time, we’ll have to renew our lease and might end up paying for two leases if I can’t find a job in this city (I’ve been searching for months, and there aren’t many options in my field here).
I’ve talked to him about paying for a dog walker or paying our roommate to take him out every day, but he is strongly against those ideas, although he just got a raise. I think he sees this as a test of my commitment to the relationship, though we’ve both said we want to get married.
The icing on the cake is that I’ve always wanted a cat, and my plan was always to get one after I graduated. However, he said that I can’t get one. He expects me to take time out of my studies to take care of his dog but yet won’t let me get my own f**ry friend. So, AITA for refusing to come home during the day to take care of his dog while trying to finish my thesis?
Here’s what Redditors had to say:
freerange_chicken − NTA. That he’s expecting you to come home and take care of *his dog* in the middle of your work day when you already care for *his dog* because he “doesn’t wake up early enough” is a bit of a red flag to me. What would he be doing to ensure the dog was cared for in the mornings without you? He should already be grateful.
And you *do* have an obligation. Your work right now is your education. That’s not nothing. If he didn’t have a meeting at work, would he have no obligations? Of course not.
He’s not treating your obligations fairly and is abdicating his responsibility to *his dog.* I’m sure you love and care for the pup but at the end of the day, it’s up to him to figure out. I’d sit down and have a conversation about it and set firm boundaries. Then stick to them.
HowlPen − NTA. This is a test? If so, he’s failing it. He’s not seeing the importance of your thesis. If you have ADHD and have found a system that works for you, stick to it. It’s fantastic that you’ve made it to the final year of your masters. That should be your priority.
He can pay a dog walker or the roommate. That cost is minimal compared to an extra year of tuition/lost income. I do wonder if he thinks of it as your shared dog. But even so, that wouldn’t make it your sole responsibility to handle the dog’s daily care.
AwareImplement1265 − Buckle up because if you marry this dude, you’re going to be responsible for 100% of childcare and responsible for making happen and maintaining anything he wants with no help from him. He needs to start stepping up and taking care of HIS dog. If you want a cat, get one.
atealein − NTA. His statement that you have “no other obligations” is untrue – you have obligation towards your education and graduation that is essential and fundamental for your future.
thebooohbaaah − Info: when you moved in together, did you have conversations about if you would take on responsibilities for caring for the dog? Was there a mutual agreement that he was solely responsible for it?
squirrelsareevil2479 − NTA. There seems to be a lack of balance in decision making here. Why does your boyfriend think he is the final word on your activities? Why does he not get up with his dog in the morning? Why does he not come home during the day? Why will he not hire a dog walker? Why does he decide you have no other obligations? Why is this a test of commitment for you and not for him?
He is exerting control over you and testing to see how far he can go. Your thesis is a huge commitment and he is actively sabotaging you. Take a long look at why he thinks he controls what you do and when you do it. Also, why do you need his permission to get a cat? Good luck on your thesis. Please update me.
Low-Salamander4455 − NTA. Re-home the boyfriend and get the cat.. You’re welcome.
igw81 − NTA, your boyfriend doesn’t respect or understand what you’re working towards. He thinks you’re just sitting around all day. I’d consider whether you want to continue in the relationship. Not for me to say, especially since I don’t know how he and the relationship are otherwise, but this particular issue is not a great sign imo
Villanelle_Ellie − I stop reading at “doesn’t wake up early enough.” DO NOT MARRY THIS DUDE. You’re dating an immature dingus who shouldn’t have gotten a dog if he can’t wake up and take it out himself. You’re not obligated to be his mom, nor the dog’s. Date men not boys.
FairyCompetent − NTA. So all his responsibilities are by default actually *your* responsibility? What’s his excuse for not getting up to take his own dog out? He sounds lazy and ungrateful.
Do you think the boyfriend is being unreasonable by not compromising or hiring a dog walker, or should the student make more effort to accommodate the dog’s needs? Share your thoughts below!
