AITA for not apologising to my brother after he missed my birthday?

A woman (30F) recounts her frustration with her younger brother (26M), who skipped her milestone 30th birthday party to stay home with his new puppy. She expressed her feelings but felt dismissed, leading her to temporarily pause communication for her emotional well-being.

Six months later, as her son’s birthday approaches, her brother refuses to RSVP, stating he’s waiting for an apology. She’s now torn between holding her ground or apologizing to end the stalemate. Read her full story below.

‘ AITA for not apologising to my brother after he missed my birthday?’

I (30f) have always loved celebrating my birthday. My parents were not amazing parents but my Mum always made sure on our birthdays a big deal was made. I got married quite young (21) and didn’t have a lot of money at the time so our wedding was very cheap, it was even BYO.

I still loved it but always regretted not being able to pay for a big meal for everyone. So for my 30th, because I’m in a way better financial position, I wanted to do something where I paid for everyone’s food and drink and we all had fun.

I told everyone about it months in advance as I had to pre pay for the venue and let them know about catering. It got to a month before my birthday and my brother (26m) hadn’t RSVPd yet so I messaged him to ask. He said that he wouldn’t be coming as him and his girlfriend had just bought a puppy and could not leave the puppy unattended that long.

I responded asking him if there was no one else that could look after the dog to which he responded the dog was “his responsibility not anyone elses”. I explained to him how upset I was as it felt like he wasn’t even trying to come. He said he didn’t see what the big deal was and I always make him uncomfortable by guilting him about stuff like this.

For context, I have gotten mad at him before for not attending my son’s birthday party and not letting me know he wasn’t coming. We argued a bit about other history thats not relevant. What made me mad more than anything was his complete inability to empathise. He made me feel like I was being the difficult one for being upset with him.

5 years ago I would have lost it and told him to get out of my life forever but I’ve done a lot of therapy in that time and I simply said I wasn’t going to let him make me feel bad for having a valid response to my own brother missing an important birthday to me. I said I needed a break from talking to him so I could enjoy my birthday and I loved him. We left it at that.

It’s been 6 months, it is now coming up to my sons birthday and I sent him an invite as I don’t believe in withholding my kids from someone because I’m mad, my parents did that a lot. He hasn’t responded and when my Mum asked him if he was coming he said he was waiting on a conversation with me first.

In my family that means I will be the one that has to call and he will expect me to apologise for being upset with him or he won’t come to my son’s birthday. He is more stubborn than I am so it will have to be the way it goes for him to come. AITA if I just don’t apologise and continue the stalemate?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Forward-Dingo1431 −  I’m not taking sides here, but you could call and speak with him and not apologize and see what happens. Just say, “Hey, how’s it going. Are you coming to my son’s birthday party? ” NTA

Pretend-Sundae-2371 −  I’m going with YTA/ESH here mostly because I suspect that the “history that isn’t relevant” is in fact very relevant. You think he owes you an apology and he thinks you owe him one.

Your birthday is important to you. A 30th birthday is a big birthday and is is understandable you want to celebrate. But it sounds like this isn’t a one off, that you have always done big birthday things and that that now applies to your son.

Just because this is important to you doesn’t mean other people’s social calendars have to revolve around it and my YTA assessment is based on the fact that you refuse to understand that. An invitation is not a summons.

Your brother said he couldn’t make it, and so fixed the thing you were annoyed about for your son’s birthday (him not telling you that he couldn’t make it). If he says he can’t come to your son’s birthday this year, how are you going to react?

no_good_namez −  NAH/ESH you also don’t seem to empathize with his perspective. I’m sorry your brother doesn’t value these birthday events like you do. It doesn’t seem like you expressed any interest in his new pet which can also be a momentous passage for some people. It was passive aggressive of you to send another invite after initiating a relationship break because of arguing over invitations.

whorl- −  YTA. Your brother is allowed to have other responsibilities. You’re upset about a birthday party *for an adult*. Grow up, you aren’t ten years old anymore.

Direct_Commission492 −  NTA. Your brother is acting like a petulant 2 year old child by refusing to go to his nephews party until you apologize to him. Also apologize for what? You didn’t do anything wrong in my Opinion.

hadMcDofordinner −  YTA An invitation is not a “must say yes” kind of thing. Invitations can be refused and you don’t call/contact people and ask why and try to make them change their mind. If someone does not RSVP, then you do not expect them to show, period. You let them live their lives. And you stop taking it as a personal affront.

That said, your brother was impolite to not RSVP for your birthday and his excuse about the puppy was just silly. He’s showing you that he does not care to celebrate as much as you do or maybe simply not WITH you. Stop inviting him, you won’t have to worry about his RSVPing anymore. Don’t let him control you with his desire for a “conversation”. LOL Just move on.

StuffedSquash −    5 years ago I would have lost it and told him to get out of my life forever but I’ve done a lot of therapy in that time and I simply said I wasn’t going to let him make me feel bad for having a valid response to my own brother missing an important birthday to me.

He wasn’t trying to make you feel bad, he said he couldn’t come and asked you to stop with the guilt trip. You’re the one who was trying to guilt him and make him feel bad.

He was a little rude by not RSVPing until you called but he’s allowed to not leave a small puppy alone and he’s allowed to not come to every one of your son’s birthdays prior. I think YTA because when you don’t like how he acts he sucks but when he doesn’t like how you act you think he’s not allowed to feel that way.

DryPoetry6 −  YTA. You sound immature, self-centred, and exhausting. It sounds like he really doesn’t WANT to interact with you. It seemed like he wasn’t trying to come, because he wasn’t. He even told you why.

He has a history of not coming over. You get mad, and try to guilt him over it. Rinse and repeat. You have had similar conversations before. Apparently you have a history of going nuclear at people who displease you. And while YOU feel you have made strides, maybe he remembers it all too well, and wants no part of it.

Even now, you went NC with him until YOU deem him worthy. This sort of behaviour is probably why he has no interest. Your invitations are not summonses – He doesn’t need to come, or even pretend to care. He didn’t think it was a big deal, because it is not important to him. (It was important to you, but that doesn’t carry over to anyone else.)

Remember, when you act the ass and go NC, people aren’t waiting for you to say ‘I’m not mad any more.’ They are saying ‘Thank Goodness’ and waiting for an apology. Or not – If it’s OK for YOU to cut them off, there’s no reason for them to start talking to you again. If you want to have a brother again, apologize and mean it. Stop acting so entitled, and consider other people’s feelings.

HammerOn57 −  YTA. You make a big deal out of your birthday, doesn’t mean everyone else has to as well. Your brother had a prior commitment, and chose to prioritise that over your party. Sure you can be upset if you want, but you’d don’t get to demand his presence. Invitations aren’t summons.

Then you got upset and acted poorly on the phone. Not the end of the world but you do come across as massively entitled. Your brother doesn’t have to have any relationship with you or your kid, you seem to genuinely not understand that. Talk to him or don’t, just stop acting like your life takes precedence over hus because reasons.

loiku −  YTA, just because your birthday is important to you, it doesn’t mean it has to be important to anyone else. Besides, I think you are teaching your kids unhealthy habits for being entitled. Enjoy your parties, for sure, but stop guilt tripping people.

Should the woman apologize to mend the relationship, or is her brother being unreasonable by demanding an apology? How would you handle this family dynamic? Share your thoughts below!