AITA for telling my sister and boyfriend the inappropriate thing my BIL said to me?

A Redditor shares a troubling encounter with her brother-in-law, Connor, who made a highly inappropriate remark after overhearing her intimate moment with her boyfriend. Though initially hesitant, she told her boyfriend, who was furious and insisted on informing her sister, Emily.

This led to tension and arguments between the couple, with Connor refusing to apologize and claiming it was a joke. Now, the Redditor is questioning if she was wrong for speaking up, given the resulting conflict. Read the full story below and share your thoughts.

‘ AITA for telling my sister and boyfriend the inappropriate thing my BIL said to me?’

I (25F) live with my sister, Emily (27F), her husband Connor (25M), and their son Owen (1M) due to a variety of reasons, none of which are relevant to this story. The other night (11/13/24), my boyfriend Marcus (26M) came over to hang out and some athletic snuggling ensued. After Marcus had left, I heard the baby crying and ended up in the hallway with Emily and Connor after Owen was put back to sleep.

Emily had asked if Marcus was still in my room, and I told her no, he had left. Connor then says “Thank god, I could hear you downstairs with my noise cancelling headphones on!” I was, reasonably, embarrassed that he had heard anything and even more so mortified that he had said that in front of my sister. I apologized and hoped that was the end of it.

As Emily goes back downstairs, Connor turns to me and says **”Don’t be sorry, now I have something to think about the next time I mast***ate.”** I tried to brush it off, as Connor often makes inappropriate remarks and I have always just ignored him in the past.

I jokingly said “Don’t you mean you’ll be thinking about Marcus?” and he responded “No, Marcus is too quiet, I didn’t hear him. I only heard you.” Connor then goes back downstairs and I retreat to my bedroom. I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d said and how uncomfortable it made me, so I texted Marcus to ask him if I was overreacting.

Marcus was absolutely FURIOUS. He wanted me to tell Emily, but I was hesitant, as I didn’t want to make Emily and Connor fight. I told him I would talk to her in the morning, hoping it would blow over and Marcus would forget about it, but he texted Emily. Emily then came into my room, and I started crying, saying that Connor’s comment had bothered me but I didn’t want to make it a big deal.

Emily said that she would talk to Connor about it in the morning and make him apologize. I told her it didn’t matter and it wasn’t a big deal, but she insisted that he needed to apologize for it, especially since he has made inappropriate comments before and knows they make me uncomfortable.

The next day (11/14/24), I could tell something was tense between Emily and Connor, but I came home late, so I didn’t interact with them much. Right before I went to bed, Emily asked me if Connor had apologized and I told her I hadn’t even talked to him, so no.

Today (11/15/24), I heard Connor and Emily arguing downstairs, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Eventually, Connor storms upstairs and I hear him say, “No, I’m not going to! It’s not my fault that none of you can take a f\*cking joke!” I know they were talking about Wednesday night. I knew Emily would be upset, but I didn’t know Marcus would be so angry, and I didn’t know it would cause this giant fight between Emily and Connor. AITA for saying anything at all?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

magiemaddi −  He’s mad you didn’t flirt back. He’s mad he got caught. NTA but your sister deserves a husband that doesn’t want to f**k her sister. Time to move out?

CuriousEmphasis7698 −  NTA. The comment Connor made was no joke, it is creepy and predatory. You are owed not only an apology but a guarantee that he will get professional help for what ever issues made him think that behaviour was even remotely acceptable. Your BF is right to be furious and very concerned over this.

SnooWoofers496 −  NTA…He’s repulsive and that comment was heinous. ON ANOTHER NOTE – why are you loud f**king in ur sisters house like wtf, with their kid also living there, is that like a kink or something?

phoenixjen8 −  “Especially since he has made inappropriate comments before and knows they make me uncomfortable.”. Babes.. No. NTA at all. I hope y’all don’t have to deal with Conner’s dumbassery much longer.

Maitiu2583 −  Hey, I’m Marcus. I wanted to comment on here to get clear up some of the details that were missed in the original post. First, the house they live in is a shared 2.5 story house with their parents. The house doesn’t belong to Emily and Connor.

Everyone pays their fair share of bills so the only guest is me when I stay over. Hallie and I are currently in the beginning stages of looking for a place of our own as up until this point we haven’t been financially secure enough for our own place.

Second, Hallie and I are not what you would call exhibitionists. Her room is on the top floor by her parents and Owen’s room so we make it a point to be quiet or a least less noticeable, especially if others are awake or the baby is sleeping to be respectful. His game room is on the basement level, for even more context, Hallie’s room use to be the room next to his game room and he has never said anything about noise before, up until this point.

Third, I texted Emily because I knew that Hallie would be too scared to do it herself. She avoids confrontation at all costs and I will admit in the moment, I was livid and upset but this was something that couldn’t wait until the next day. **edit: The only thing I said to Emily was “Please talk to your sister” Fourth, just as an extra little tidbit. Connor has cheated on Emily twice before.

Tribute2sketch −  Nta – although, I agree that having s**(and don’t sugar coat it with “athletic snuggling”) loud enough for someone with headphones to hear is excessive and a bit rude. However, Connor is gross and that comment is so wrong. I think you and sis need to have a conversation about the living arrangement or setting hard boundaries with Connor.

Why would your sister even want to be with someone like that? Unless you are in some kind of open or poly relationship no one should be telling a roommate they are going to mast***ate while thinking about them, let alone your in law. She should be rethinking that relationship since he thinks there is nothing wrong with that joke.

EmmetyBenton −  NTA. I just want to reiterate what some others have said: Connor and your sister fighting is CONNOR’S FAULT, not yours. His comment was gross and your sister deserved to be made aware of it. This is entirely on him, not you.

To the people saying, “You shouldn’t be so loud during s** that he could hear you over headphones” – why on earth are you believing the s**ual harasser that he was wearing them?

anothertypicalcmmnt −  NTA Conner and your sister arguing is Conner’s fault. If he had apologized like he was asked to or just never said something inappropriate in the first place, none of this would be an issue right now. Also, everyone – your boyfriend and sister – are on your side and sticking up for you, so believe them when they say you shouldn’t have to deal with Conner gross comments, and he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with making you feel uncomfortable regularly.

That said, I would find a quieter way or different place to have s**. Idk if the way the house is built (thin walls/floors or sound through vents) is why he can hear you or if you’re just loud (also fine), but it sounds like being heard is inevitable.

andromache97 −  NTA at all. it’s so sad seeing someone being afraid to essentially report s**ual harassment due to the the subsequent drama – NONE OF WHICH IS YOUR FAULT. Whether he meant it in a truly predatory way or a “joking” way doesn’t matter – the very least you deserve is an apology. people who refuse to apologize for their “jokes” when they hurt a loved one are honestly the f**king worst.

Otherwise_Degree_729 −  NTA. That was so wrong in so mane levels. It was gross of him to tell you he was gonna mast***ate imagining you. It would have been beyond creepy if you were any woman let alone his sister in law.

You’re his wife sister, as in his spouse, partner. If my boyfriend said anything like that to my sister I would lose my s**t. I mean I would be pissed and grossed out if he says that to anyone woman but if he says that to my own sister I would be out of that relationship so fast there would be cartoon shaped form on the wall of me super speeding out of there.