AITA for not letting my dad’s ‘friend’ attend his medical appointment ?

A Redditor is caught between their mom, dad, and his long-time “friend” amid a sensitive medical situation. Their dad, 94, is hospitalized and unable to advocate for himself. The dad’s “friend,” who has been in his life for decades (despite a strained history with the Redditor’s mom), wants to attend an important doctor’s meeting.

However, the Redditor barred the friend from attending to avoid upsetting their mom, who has endured years of tension because of this dynamic. Now, they’re wondering if they made the wrong call by prioritizing their mom’s feelings over their dad’s potential wishes. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA for not letting my dad’s ‘friend’ attend his medical appointment ?’

Bit of context first – my mum and dad have been married for 60 years. They have both had affairs (mum’s ended a long time ago) but my dad’s ‘friend’ is still in his life decades later.

My mum hates confrontation so puts up with this situation and the ‘friend’ even visits their house and stays for tea! 🙄 My dad’s friend tries so hard to be helpful and takes him to doctors appointments and out for evenings which has really helped him (and me otherwise I’d have to take him meaning time off work!).. My dad by the way is 94.

Anyway, dad is now in hospital and pretty unwell. There’s a doctors meeting Monday and the ‘friend’ wants to attend to help represent dad who can’t talk for himself right now. Problem is we were all at the hospital recently and mum lost her temper (in private with me afterwards) about how the ‘friend’ behaved so I told the friend she couldn’t come to the meeting.

I feel like an arse cos I know dad would want her there but I also know my mum will be so upset if I let her. My mums a sweet little old lady and the ‘friend’ is very assertive meaning I always feel I need to stick up for mum cos I’m confident and assertive, the opposite of her. I’m fed up being in the middle though.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

[Reddit User] −  Your dad is 94, so that makes you in your 60s? Beware of this friend starting to represent herself as your dad’s legal guardian and representation, because if that happens, there will be financial and legal ramifications later.

If your dad is incapacitated, and your mother is not much help, you may have to get yourself legally appointed as their guardian, whether you like it or not.
And if your dad has a will, best you get ahold of it to review ASAP.

crazyheather345 −  NTA. I am so sorry you are having to manage that while also going through the stress of having an ill elderly parent, OP. Your father’s mistress is here to stay whether we like it or not. We all know that.

There are times when she is going to want to see him in hospital and the like, especially if your father is going to be in hospital for a while. I am not sure you can stop her from doing that. Probably wouldn’t even be right to stop her if they want to see each other.

But your mother *is* his wife. Simple as. If your father wanted his ‘friend’ to be the person who is his representative and advocate in medical and financial decisions in the last decade of his life, he’s had many, many years to divorce your mother and make that happen. He never did.

Your mother is his wife, no ifs no buts. Your mother is the one who gets to fulfil that function. If the ‘friend’ wants to be around in other aspects of your dad’s illness, wants to visit him and wants to be with him, then she can. But she cannot go around cosplaying as his next of kin when he has a living wife and an adult child, it’s that simple.

If your father wanted her to have power of attorney, he should have done something about it when there was time to do something about it during this decades-long affair. Implicit in him not doing that was an acceptance of the legal status quo: that your mother would be vested with the authority to make decisions on his behalf.

Stand your ground, OP. This is honestly an open-and-shut case from a legal perspective; unless it is written somewhere that your father has appointed a named person as his legal guardian to speak for him in medical meetings, that function defaults to his lawfully wedded wife (or to you if your mother isn’t capable of doing it). Thoughts are with you and your family in this challenging time.

Time-Negotiation1420 −  NTA. What a f**king mess. While yes, the friend can visit your dad, she needs to take a backseat. If she tries again to assert anything then maybe it will be time for difficult discussions.

Historical_Grab4685 −  NTA. My dad started dating someone after my mom died. I was OK to let her take dad to the doctor but when he had his stroke, I made it very clear to the hospital staff, that I was the medical POA, and I am the only one to make decisions. I was glad I did that. When I made the decision to move my dad to hospice, she started complaining and questioning my decision.

I would make it clear to the friend, your mum is the one making decision and if she can’t play nice, then she will be asked to leave and will not be permitted to see you dad. If your dad wanted the friend to make decisions and be involved, he should have taken the legal action to make that happen.

If he gets better then explain why you did what you did and if he disagrees, then he needs to take the legal steps to make the friend his medical POA. Hang in there and take care of you mum and yourself!

Bis_K −  Whoever is in charge of his medical decisions should be there. If it is your mom then affair partner needs to get lost

Squinky75 −  Katharine Hepburn did not go to Spencer Tracy’s funeral because she knew it wasn’t her place. “Friend” should get the same playbook.

Recent_Data_305 −  My grandmother was the other woman when her AP partner died. His wife assured she would not be allowed to visit. NTA. He never left your mom for AP. She knew he was married. I’d let her know her place. He can talk to AP on the phone or arrange visits around your mother’s schedule. Remove this woman from your mom’s presence. She can go back to sneaking around like she did before. I’m sorry about your father.

MelodyRaine −  INFO: Who between mom and friend is more up to date on your father’s medical history, condition, and most importantly wishes regarding his care? If the answer is mom, then you should be backing your mom. If the answer is the friend, then the friend actually needs to be there.

The three of them are equally to blame for creating this absolute cluster bomb of a situation. That being said, at the end of the day the issue of him having a side piece was settled the minute mom let her sit down for tea at the family table, now it’s all about how to best care for your father.

Grandmapatty64 −  Tell the mistress that you could ban her entirely from seeing your dad while in hospital. You’re not gonna do that, but you’re also not gonna have her sticking her nose into his care decisions. That is for his wife and his daughter to do not her.

ElderBerryMogul −  NTA. You stuck up for your mother in a very uncomfortable situation

Did the Redditor do the right thing by protecting their mom’s feelings, or should they have allowed the dad’s “friend” to attend the meeting, considering his potential wishes? How would you navigate being stuck in the middle of a family conflict like this? Share your thoughts below!