AITA for asking my MIL how many of my husband’s soccer games she went too after she insulted me for taking time off work to be with my kids?

A Reddit user shared a heated exchange with her mother-in-law, who criticized her decision to take a break from her career as an attorney to focus on raising her kids.

The situation escalated when the user brought up her MIL’s lack of involvement in her son’s childhood, particularly in attending his soccer games. This led to tension in the family, with her husband stuck in the middle. Read the full story below to decide if the user was justified or went too far.

‘ AITA for asking my MIL how many of my husband’s soccer games she went too after she insulted me for taking time off work to be with my kids? ‘

37F. I’m married and a mom of three (7M, 3F, and 1F). I’m an attorney, and have always worked hard and taken my career seriously. I never thought I’d want to take time away from work, but before I had my youngest daughter, I was feeling burnt out from working non-stop and also taking care of two young children.

I was always tired when I was with my kids and hardly had any time to spend with them during the week. My husband and I spoke about it, and agreed it would be the best thing for our family for me to take some time off work.

I don’t see myself doing this for more than a few years, and I plan on going back to work once my youngest starts kindergarten. I feel incredibly fortunate that I have the financial ability to spend the extra time with my kids when they’re so little.

I know I won’t get this time with them back and that I’ll have the rest of my life to focus on my career. Everyone has been supportive of this decision except for my MIL. My MIL is also an attorney, and she’s incredibly driven and well-known in our city.

I know she was very happy I ended up with her son, and I think it’s in large part because she respects women who are ambitious and passionate about their careers. I’ve heard her talk negatively about stay at home moms over the years.

Specifically, she thinks they’re boring, putting themselves in a position to be taken advantage of, and setting poor examples for their daughters. She also thinks men who want to be with stay at home moms are insecure and just want someone they can control.

So obviously, she didn’t seem pleased when we told her about my plan to take some time off work, but she’s kept her mouth shut for the most part. Things changed last night, when we had her and my FIL over for dinner.

I cooked, and my MIL joked that she never thought she’d live to see the day when I prepared a home cooked meal. I said I have a bit more time on my hands now and I actually enjoy it. She said she’s glad I’m putting my law school education to good use.

I asked what she meant, and my MIL said she didn’t understand my new “phase.” She said I spent so much time and money getting my education, and it seems like a waste to be home cooking instead of taking advantage of my skills.

She also said I seem unhappy, and thinks it’s because I’m home all day instead of developing myself. I told my MIL I’m incredibly happy, and she said I’m lying to myself and not setting the best example possible for my little girls. She says it’s important to show them they can work hard and also be great mothers.

She even said I’m teaching them it’s okay to depend on a man and waste their potential. She then said that her mom was brilliant and never had the opportunity to have a career because of the era she was born into, and it makes her sad to see me throw away a life that her mother and so many other women would have killed for.

My husband jumped in and said I’m not dependent on him, since I have a great education and resume, and I can go back to work at anytime. He also said that I’ve been working 70 to 80 hours per week since

I was twenty-six, and there’s nothing wrong with me taking some time off to be with our kids when they’re young. My MIL then asked my husband if he put me up to this, and said she raised him better than that.

My MIL said I’m too talented and smart to be home and that she hardly recognizes the ambitious and passionate twenty year old that she first met. I started crying, and told my MIL that I feel good about my decision and don’t appreciate her giving me unsolicited advice.

I said that I love my career, but my kids are the most important thing to me, and I want to be a more involved mom than I was before. My MIL asked why I can’t work and be involved with them, and I said it’s just harder and I felt I was missing out on their lives before.

She asked if I think women who work are missing out on their kids lives, and I said women who work as much as I did certainly miss out on parts of their lives and don’t have as much time to be with their kids.

My MIL said that she didn’t miss out on her son’s life, and I asked how many of his soccer games she went to. My husband was a college soccer player, and he’s told me in the past that his parents never went to his games when he was little and that he always had to carpool with teammates.

He’s also told me that his mom is a great adult mom since she’s interested in his life and gives great advice, but she wasn’t as interested in him when he was a young kid. My comments set my MIL off, and she said I was disrespecting women who paved the way for me to have a career. My MIL and FIL left shortly after.

My husband is obviously upset about the situation. He thinks his mom was way out of line, but also doesn’t like that I brought up the fact that she never went to his soccer games. He said I stooped to her level and also that it wasn’t my place to comment on his childhood.

My husband feels horrible about the situation and has apologized for his mom’s judgmental comments, but desperately wants us to work it out. He wants us to sit down for coffee and apologize to each other, but I’m not ready. AITAH for my comments and do I owe my MIL an apology?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

HyenaShot8896 −  NTA. The problem for us women is that what we do is never right. If you’re a working parent you’re a failure to your kids according to some. If you’re a stay at home mom you’re a failure for not being independent, and doing what so many women fought for us to do years ago, according to some.

If you’re a single mom you’re a failure because you choose to have kids with a deadbeat/abuser/addict/selfish man, according to some. If you stay with a man who is one or all of the above you’re a failure to not protect your kids.

Sad thing is that 90% of this comes from other women in different positions than us. We women are our own worst critics, and it’s sad really. We shouldn’t be tearing each othet apart for the choices we make that are best for us and/our families.

amberchik78 −  Unsolicited advice is always criticism. Good on you for standing up for yourself during this onslaught. Your DH should be ashamed for not having your back immediately. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, but your MIL certainly does.. ETA: NTA

Alternative_Talk3324 −  NTA your MIL knew she was meddling, condescending and poking the wasps nest. Did she really expect that you’d keep your mouth shut. She can try to shame you but can’t take it when you highlight her inadequacies.

I’d be tempted to go LC for now if possible. No one needs that toxicity in their life. You’re doing great and have your husband’s support. Enjoy your time off. My child is nearly 10 and the years have flown by so quickly. Cherish the time at home.

lapsteelguitar −  Speaking as man from a family of strong women. Feminism means truly means the ability to choose your own path, whether it be as a mom first, or a career first. But, for some older women it only means being a career woman.

But…. The proper balance for each family is different, and that’s what MIL does not understand. What worked for her might not work for OP. The pursuit of satisfaction from a career simply isn’t there. And as long as that does not endanger the family, that’s fine.

OP, what I don’t think you understand about your MIL is that she grew up when women were just beginning to see the fruits of the struggle, when a career was probably more important to her generation than it is to yours.

That your opportunity for a career was, in part, because she struggled for it. Go to your kids games & shows. Revel in their stuff. I was a SAHD and I know what it’s like.. NTA

merishore25 −  NTA. You listened to MIL go off on you and defended yourself. It’s up to your husband to manage his parents and let them know it’s not ok to be so disrespectful.

Stoic_STFU −  Your mil needs to be told that her stance and her parenting choices may have been what she felt was “right” given the time, her particular circumstances and the simple fact that it was her life.

You are choosing what you feel is right for your life – just like she did. You have never asked her to explain and justify her choices and she needs to do the same.. NTA  

[Reddit User] −  Nta. She is. She didnt like being told the truth about her double standard.

ComprehensivePut5569 −  NTA but your MIL is definitely a judgmental AH. My mother also took a break from her career when I was a kid because like you she was burned out and wanted to spend more time with me. She was tired of missing out on my childhood moments like games and school plays.

My senior year in college she decided to go back to work and eventually became the CEO. Ignore your MIL. She’s just a jealous boomer. My mother spoke at an event once where she said the idea of women having it all is somewhat of a myth.

She said it’s absolutely possible to have a career and family, but sometimes we need to accept it can’t always happen at the same time. You may have to choose to focus on one or the other at different phases in your life, but you can be a success at both if you stop putting so much pressure on yourself to do it all now.

You are doing what is right for you and your family and that’s all that matters. And you are an amazing example for your children. I am incredibly proud of my own mother. She really had it all eventually and she wouldn’t do anything differently. I hope my mother’s example lessens the sting of your MIL’s ignorance.

BagelwithQueefcheese −  NTA the fight for feminism isn’t a fight to fill boardrooms and courthouses. It’s the fight to *allow women to choose* for themselves what they want. Some want to work.

Some want to stay home. Having the option to choose is what women before paved the way for. Not to belittle women who don’t do exactly as they did.. Your MIL is a judgemental s**b.

NickelPickle2018 −  NTA she’s projecting her own insecurities on you. You’re doing what’s best for your family, don’t apologize for anything.

Do you think the user was justified in defending her choice to prioritize her kids, or did she cross a line by bringing up her MIL’s past parenting? How should she approach resolving the tension within the family? Share your thoughts and experiences below!