AITA for not letting my in-laws continue to be late for everything?

A woman has been married for 16 years, and during that time, her in-laws have consistently been late to events, often by 20-30 minutes or more, without informing them in advance. After a particularly frustrating Halloween incident where the in-laws arrived late for trick-or-treating,

she implemented a “5-minute rule,” meaning if they’re late by more than five minutes without notifying her, she will leave or continue with plans without them.

This rule was put to the test when her in-laws were late for dinner plans, and she stuck to her rule, refusing to wait or let them take part. Her in-laws tried to salvage the situation, but she stood firm. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not letting my in-laws continue to be late for everything?’

Married 16 years and my in-laws have never been on time for anything. Not just a couple of minutes late, usually 20-30 mins or more and they don’t ever tell us they are going to be late.

On Halloween they were supposed to be here at 6:30 to go trick-or-treating, my kids are teens so they already had plans but cancelled to spend time with them instead. At 7:15 we called and they said they were ‘5 mins away’. 22 minutes later, they arrived without any concerns.

This inspired a new rule for me, I called it the 5 min rule. Basically, if you tell me you’re gonna be somewhere at a time and aren’t, after 5 mins I will leave. If we are meeting to eat or something, and you’re late, we will order and eat without you, we will leave when we finish even if they are just getting there.

Tonight they had plans to take my kids out for dinner, they said they’d be here at 7. We talked at 2p and I reminded them of the new rule. At 7:05 they weren’t here and had not called or anything, so I called them. They said they were 10 mins away.

I told them to not bother with it, they tried to ask me to give them another chance since they live an hour away, and I said no way and stuck to it. I feel like they are disrespectful by doing this and that they aren’t valuing my time. AITA?

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

kipsterdude −  NTA. It’s one thing if it’s a rare occurrence, but their behavior is chronic. Is your spouse on board with this plan?

ilikehistoryandtacos −  NTA. My step mom is like this. Late to everything. We adopted our foster son earlier this year and she tried to tell me the judge would wait for her if she was late. 🙄 I told her we would not wait if they were late as that is not how court works.

MadderHatter32 −  NTA. That’s inconsiderate af. I have taken a very similar stance with my parents because my mom has no sense of respect for other people’s time. “Oh well, they’ll just have to wait” Nope. Not me.

We celebrated my daughter’s 18th birthday an hour away and we were 10 minutes out when my mom texted all excitedly “We’re on our way 😊” I said we are parking. See ya when ya get here. We had already gotten our food by the time they were there. Tough s**t. Should have left when you were asked

Netflickingthebean −  My in laws are very similar. Often they will tell me a time to expect them, then at the time they’re supposed to be here (or even later) they’ll send a text that says they’re on their way. They live ~55 minutes away in zero traffic. They have disappointed my kids so many times.

Eventually I asked my husband to draw some boundaries with his parents about punctuality. It has helped some. He basically told them that if they’re going to make a promise to our kids, they need to keep it or they wouldn’t be welcome anymore.

Then on Halloween they invited themselves over, I told them dinner was at 5 so we could start trick or treating around sunset. Dinner was on the table at 5 and i made a bunch of extras so there would be plenty. At 5 they sent me a text that said they were stopped dead in traffic. I checked the traffic apps.

There was no traffic. They showed up over 45 minutes late at which point we had eaten without them. The food wasn’t good anymore and most of it wound up wasted.

I was so mad, especially because it meant the sun was fully down and we got a late start on trick or treating which is a big deal because my younger children are very young and need to go to bed earlier and it was COLD. So basically I think NTA, but I’d be shocked if they actually change their behavior.

SushiGuacDNA −  NTA. This is an absolutely **perfect** example of boundary setting. My favorite explanation of boundaries is that a boundary is a simple rule: If you do X, then I will do Y. If you don’t show up when you said, then I will leave after five minutes.

The thing is, you can’t control other people’s behavior, but you can control your own. So if they do something that’s unacceptable to you, let them know how you will respond in the future, and then **do it**. So not only aren’t you an a**hole, but you are a textbook example of how to deal with people who keep messing up your life. Good work!

Due_Enthusiasm1145 −  5 minutes is a very strict window. They’ll say something like: “A single wrong turn or an off GPS can make you 5 minutes late”. It’ll be very easy for them to sell you as a hard ass with such a small amount of time. I’d adjust it to 15 minutes.

It’s a more universal amount of time for being late, and you’ll look very magnanimous for stretching the time and giving a “compromise”. It also sounds like they’re regularly late by more than that, so you’re still holding them to a rule.

Edit: made it sound like 5 minutes isn’t reasonable for chronic late people. They should be going early! However, switching the time to 15 minutes makes it look more reasonable for the rest of the family that might end up hearing about this

Perfect-Aspect-461 −  Info: how old are your in laws? Since before I can remember my grandparents used to always be an hour late to everything. It became a running joke in our family and we used to just tell them an earlier time/not do anything with them that required them to be on time.

I think it was just because they were slower in their old age and it was harder for them to remember to keep track of time. 

Ptb1852 −  My in laws are always late . We have a cottage and boat , on weekends we take the boat to the dunes on the lake and anchor, relax and party . We have let them know that the boat leaves at noon on Saturday . They have been late twice this year .

I let them know that our weekends are to relax after working hard all week . My boat leaves the dock at noon with or without them . And I do . Oh and the cottage is 100 miles from where we all live . Twice this year they were 45 minutes late.

They call us when they get there asking for us to come back to the dock and get them . Nope , we will be back around six . Help yourself to the cottage . See you at six .

bamf1701 −  NTA. If you are going to have this rule work, you have to enforce it, and do so religiously, otherwise they are going to keep telling you “give us another chance” over and over again and they will never change. I have a friend who is like this, and it drives me crazy.

He has broken promise after promise to call me to tell me when he is going to be late and, like your in-laws, when he does call, he lies about how long it will be. And there are times he doesn’t even call to say he is cancelling. It drives me crazy .

So, yes, you are right when you say they are being disrespectful to you and your family. And, yes, you are right to enforce your new rule.

EmilyAnne1170 −  You’ll probably get a bunch of replies citing “cultural differences” but I agree that chronic lateness is really rude. It can happen to everyone once in a while, but then they usually call to explain they’re going to be late (stuck in traffic, or whatever.)

But when they know they’re consistently disappointing you and inconveniencing you and they just don’t care? That’s not okay. 5 minutes isn’t a lot of leeway, but it’s important to show them that you’re serious about the new rule, so it was good to not compromise on it.. NTA.

While it’s understandable that you’re frustrated with your in-laws’ chronic lateness, your “5-minute rule” is quite strict, and it could potentially harm your relationship with them. It might be helpful to find a middle ground where your time is respected, but you also remain flexible enough to avoid alienating family members. What do you think? share your thoughts below!