Update 2: AITAH for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?

A young woman (Ella) and a middle-aged woman (the Redditor) having a serious conversation at a cozy, neutral setting, such as a living room. Ella looks conflicted and thoughtful, while the older woman appears concerned but supportive. There are no signs of confrontation but a sense of care and understanding between them.

For those who haven’t read the previous part: https://aita.pics/CNkzO

‘ Update 2: AITAH for how I reacted when my niece announced she was engaged?’

So, following my text (see last post), Ella replied and told me she agreed to meet with me and talk. I just came back from seeing her.
Here’s how it went. She asked me what I wanted to tell her and I started explaining that I didn’t think her relationship was very healthy, and that no older guy should want to date a teenager.

I told her that she was an incredible woman so I wasn’t saying it was weird that someone would want to marry her, but that guys my age normally shouldn’t even look at a teenager. She wasn’t convinced and said that sometimes it’s true but sometimes it’s okay.

I asked her how she would feel if I told her that someone born today could be her future partner, and she said it felt really weird. I also asked her if she would consider dating someone younger than 15, and she said no.

I could see her starting to realize that Mark maybe didn’t have the best intentions. I also asked her if she knew about his previous relationship, and she said “vaguely” and just told me the girl’s name. I asked her if she knew how old the girl was and she said she was 21.

I also asked her if she knew that their relationships overlapped and she said that Mark always told her he was single since they met, but she kind of felt like that wasn’t true. I told her that since his previous girlfriend was also significantly younger it seemed like he had a thing for younger girls, which is kind of weird.

After discussing that, she told me a bit more about her relationship. She told me she was starting to feel weird about it because of Mark’s recent behavior. I asked what she meant and she said that he had been flirting with a lot of girls, who were all also younger, including some of Ella’s friends.

When she confronted him he sort of gaslit her into thinking it wasn’t flirting. He was also making a lot of comments about having children with Ella and how cute it would be to see her raise them. She told me she was absolutely not ready for that and also wanted to go to college and work and not be a SAHM

Because of all of that she was doubting her relationship and I told her that I understood. She said she was scared of breaking up with him because he had become her whole life recently and she didn’t know what she would do without him.

I told her that she was surrounded by people who loved her and would be there for her, and that she was a lot more than just Mark’s girlfriend. I said that she knew my opinion on it, but that ultimately the choice was hers, and that I just wanted her to be happy.

I also said I would be there for her no matter what. She told me that she will try to break up with him this week, and she’ll let me know how it goes. I’ll edit this post if I have more info. Also, again, thank you to everyone who gave advice and tried to help us. I really appreciate it.

See what others had to share with OP:

eratoesben −  Sometimes it only takes one person to break through and be the voice of reason. So glad your niece has you and that you are looking out for her no matter what.. More people like you please!

Accurate_Prompt_8800 −  I’m so glad that your niece was able to come to a resolution and see the light after your reasoning. You’ve been a great uncle / aunt by supporting her and looking out for her throughout.

And it’s great that she was able to trust you and your opinion. She is lucky to have you! Hopefully she manages to free herself of the relationship and focus on more genuine connections.

Frequent_Foot_7332 −  I was 19 when I married my first husband (10 years older). I had doubts, but when I told him a couple of months earlier that I needed some time and space, he orchestrated a fake suicide attempt that I completely fell for. I wish I had had someone like you for moral support.

Mother_Search3350 −  You are indeed a wonderful person and a great uncle.  She is lucky to have you in her life. I really hope she gets away from that guy and he doesn’t manipulate her into staying with him or your brother and his wife who seem so supportive of this horror show of a relationship 

donnasnola −  In 1977 I married my boyfriend who was 16 years older than me. I was 20, and had been with him for 2 years, my mom told me no one in the family would accept me if we didn’t get married. I wish someone had pointed these things out to me, because it sounds exactly like my situation.

We had 3 children together, and the last 3 years of our marriage he was a raging a**oholic- but he was always a controlling, g**lighting, and belittling person towards me. My older daughter says she has difficulties in her relationships because of what she witnessed in mine. I think they all do. Get out now and don’t look back.

GIMP_Air −  She’s spent the last 18 years growing up, of which she spent the majority being a literal child. He’s spent the last 18 years being an adult. Anyone who doesn’t see a problem with this clearly predatory behavior is insane. I’m glad you were able to get through to her.

GuKoBoat −  Why does this update feel so much like a creative writing excercise?

Puppet007 −  But since her family was so accepting of her relationship with Mark when she announced their engagement, they’ll either go after her saying she let go “such a great guy” and/or you for “putting your nose in where it didn’t belong”. Your niece is going to need all the support she can get to break away from him.

Nightwish1976 −  Updateme

Careless-Berry-7304 −  Great job breaking through. Now she needs a plan to leave him, and might need to practice that with you.
Assuming you are the only person in the family who feels this relationship is toxic, if she says she wants to call it off, she will likely be pressured to stay.

She’ll be gaslighted and told it’s just nerves, etc. How will she tell him?  Where will she be when she breaks it off? (Will she leave a letter or meet him out in a public place?) Where will she stay? Who are her people to get her through this? Does she need help getting things out of his home, etc. This isn’t just a high school breakup.

Do you think the Redditor’s approach in discussing her concerns was helpful for Ella, or did it cross a line? What would you have done in a similar situation if you were in Ella’s shoes or the Redditor’s? Share your thoughts below!