AITA For Telling My Boyfriend I Won’t Be Following His Families Traditions?

A Redditor shares a conflict with their boyfriend over his family’s long-standing tradition of naming firstborn sons a unique name she dislikes. While marriage and kids are still hypothetical, the disagreement has sparked tension about future decisions. Read the full story below.

‘ AITA For Telling My Boyfriend I Won’t Be Following His Families Traditions?’

Me (21F) and my boyfriend, let’s call him Alex(23M) have been dating for about three years now. We’ve recently began talking about marriage and kids, something we both eventually want to have. The other day a reel popped up on my fyp of cute boy names and I saw the name Everett.

I thought it was a adorable and jokingly told him how it *has* to be our firstborns name. He laughed and said he liked it but it’ll have to wait for the second kid. I was confused and asked him why. He told me that his family has a tradition that every firstborn boy in the family has the same name.

His oldest brother has it, his uncle has it, his grandfather has it and so on. For the sake of privacy and how oddly unique the name is, I’m not going to say it. I’m not judging in the slightest, but this is a *weird* name and it’s honestly not my favorite.

I would never say that to any of his family members, but I did tell Alex I’m not a huge fan of it. I told him I don’t really want to follow those footsteps and he got upset and told me he can’t be the one to break the tradition. He told me I was being an a**hole for suggesting anything else.

I told him I won’t change my mind and we should make it a middle name or find another compromise. Alex has five siblings. The tradition will continue if he doesn’t do it. And frankly, I think I should get a say in what I name my kid.

I told him since I’m the one carrying the hypothetical child for nine months and it would already be getting Alex’s last name, I should have some say in the first name. For context, I have two siblings, both girls. I’m the youngest and my eldest sisters are both married and took their husbands last names.

It makes me a little sad that when I marry Alex, my last name will go out of existence. I’ve talked to him about hyphenating ours, something he doesn’t want to do. But anyways, I really don’t want to name our first born son, if we ever even have a boy, that name.

He thinks I’m “whining for no reason” since we don’t even have a kid yet and I’m not pregnant, but I think my concerns are valid. I’ve told some friends about it and most of them think I’m overreacting over something that doesn’t even exist yet. So am I the a**hole for telling my boyfriend I don’t want to follow his families tradition?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

therealzacchai −  The issue isnt the name; the issue is your bf’s attitude toward *you having ideas that differ from his*: he dismisses your wants, and puts his family’s tradition ahead of you. To him, its not even a discussion.. That’s actually a little scary.

You give 2 examples of him being inflexible (your last name and a baby name); I’ll bet you can think of other incidents that fit this pattern, too. This is a glimpse into your future. Are you sure you want the rest of your life to look like this?

WRose287 −  NTA. It’s a tradition in your (and most) family that the kids have a unique name chosen by their parents lol why would his tradition be more important? Why would he unilaterally choose a name? Also, if you want you can keep your last name

External_Expert_2069 −  Great conversation to have before marriage and kids. You get to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. What other subjects does he believe you have no say in?

Opposite_War9100 −  NTA better think about it NOW because with baby on way there will be lot of problem if you cant be on same page. And if he is not ok with that better think about this relationship because i have feeling he will wait until last moment to push you do it “because you wont be able to leave with baby and will give in”….

gemma0718 −  He wants you to give up your own name AND your hypothetical child’s name all to his family names. Ask him how he would feel if you decided to start your own child naming tradition, you’re naming it after your oldest sister and giving it your last name.

It only sounds ridiculous because women have been condition to think a mans name holds some kind of special importance. It doesn’t. Find a guy who is happy for you to keep your own last name and for you to name your baby whatever tf you want. NTA your bf is a weirdo

El_Rompido −  1. Don’t be pressured into taking a s**tty name. 2. Don’t have kids for years, you’re 21.

BabydollxShy −  YOU are the one carrying the baby so your opinion matters a lot.

mtngrl60 −  “When I marry Alex…..” Old enough to be your grandmother here. Are you nuts?! Series question. Not being snarky. Seriously… Are you nuts? Hypothetical kid and he is already telling you how it’s going to be because it’s what his family does.

Basically f**k you and your family. I don’t care. This is what my family does, so this is what we are going to do, and you have no say about it. Please let that sink in a moment. And I mean that. Stop and reread that two or three times and let it really sink. This boy…

Because I can’t call him a man… Thinks that you have no say about a child that you risk your life to bring into this world. Is this how you want the rest of your life to be? Because he is now finally after all this time showing you who he really is.

Showing you that his family and their traditions and his opinions outweigh anything you might have to say. How disrespectful and condescending. He is showing you who he is and how he thinks he has a right to treat you when you don’t agree with him immediately.

And not just on what to have for dinner. But on something that literally affects your health and has the potential to end your life. It’s not a small thing. at the very least, you will never be the same, your body will never be the same, and your health will never be the same once you have that baby.

And not one little bit of that matters to him. YOU don’t matter to him. Your opinion doesn’t matter to him. He may tell you, he loves you, and he may believe it. But his words and his actions don’t show that.

You need to think long and hard about why you are in this relationship. Because I am betting that if you really stop and look back, this isn’t the first time his basically said f**k you to your opinions. Tried to put you down.

Put his wants, and his family’s wants ahead of you. I would put money on it that you have taken a backseat and come second to his family, his opinions, his friends, his schedule, his wants, etc., more often than not. 

SubarcticFarmer −  NTA, this needs to be worked out now and not later when you are already married or pregnant.

RollingKatamari −  NTA-What if your family had a similar tradition as well? Wbat would he do then? I think you need to have some more in depth conversations with your bf about basically every aspect of married life: -where will you live, will parents ever live in?

-does he expect you to work or stay home after kids?. -how many kids? -what are his family’s values, do they differ much from yours?
Ngl OP, his resistance to not even wanting you to hyphenate your last name is a red flag. Just because you marry someone, you don’t belong to that family.

You have your own roots, your own traditions and identity. That shouldn’t go out the window because you got married. How do his father, uncles,…treat their wives? That will tell you a lot and give you a glimpse of your future if you marry.

Do you think it’s fair for the Redditor to push back on a family naming tradition, or is the boyfriend right to feel protective of it? How would you handle naming disagreements with a partner? Share your thoughts below!