AITAH for not seeing my nieces because I’m gay?

A Redditor shares their emotional struggle after distancing themselves from their beloved nieces due to their brother-in-law’s comments about their sexuality. A recent confrontation during holiday planning has caused family tension, leaving them wondering if they’re in the wrong. Read the full story below.

‘ AITAH for not seeing my nieces because I’m gay?’

My sister (34), Aly and her husband, John (36) have 2 daughters (16/6), my nieces, who I adore and love with all my heart. When I was 25, I moved in with my sister and BIL while I attended college. It was short lived, about 9 months, as they decided they wanted to sell their house but while I was living there, things were great.

I was able to help watch the girls while my sister and BIL worked, we would have movie nights, games, the whole works. I was the fun uncle. With my sister, we have always had a strong sibling bond, we had s**t parents/family and supported each other through thick and thin.

In fact, up until recent years, we had one fight that we both give each other s**t about because it was the only time we’ve ever yelled at the other. After I moved out, found my way in life and college, I came out of the closet at 27.

I was actually threatened to be outed to my sister, and that’s how I came out, but, that’s a whole separate post. She was of course happy for me and wanted me to be my true-self. She, of course, told my BIL. John and I actually used to be really close. Before I moved in with them, we would play video games nearly every night.

We became bros and honestly, it felt like I did have a brother in my life. That changed when I came out. John had told me he was of course supportive and loved me all the same, but around that same time he started to bring up religion or going to church with my sister and nieces whenever I was with them.

It was really odd, because after knowing John for so long, he hadn’t really ever brought up religion before. The most clear example I have was once my sister asked me if I was seeing any boys and John immediately started talking about Sunday School and how he and Aly are teaching it now.

I am not a religious person, but I went to church camp as a kid, so there’s a place in my heart for what it can do; that’s to say, I didn’t care that John brought this up, if anything, it made me feel like my sexuality made him uncomfortable.

About a year and a half ago, Aly, John, and a few other friends went out to celebrate Aly’s birthday. At one point, it was just me and John at our table. John said to me “Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.

It’s been… getting really tough to explain to the girls how they can still love you although you’re going to hell. It’s a lot emotionally for them.” And I froze. I didn’t even know what to say. I’m pretty sure I muttered “oh ok” and someone came back to the table.

It was a week later I was watching my youngest niece and she asked me what hell was like. It hurt so much and who knows, maybe it wasn’t John’s doing that made her ask, but ever since I couldn’t stop thinking about how every time I left their house,

John’s sitting the girls down and explaining they can still love me, despite me burning in hell. So, I just emotionally withdrew. I love love love my nieces, but in my mind, it was easier for me to be around less so that John didn’t have to explain to them how to love me.

I still call and FaceTime on birthdays and holidays with other family present, but my overall presence in their life greatly diminished.
Bringing us to today, I recently moved across the country to a larger city; been super happy with life here after living in tiny Midwest towns my whole life.

My sister and I still text every once in awhile and she reached out to me recently to ask about attending Christmas back home. When I said I wasn’t planning on coming back for it, she blew up my phone saying I have been abandoning the girls and I’m just as s**tty as the rest of our family for missing out on their lives/holidays.

I replied “Sorry, don’t want John thinking I’m taking you and the girls to hell with me”. She asked what that meant and I explained what John had told me. Silence back.

My mom text me and asked what hell I did because I caused a huge fight with John and Aly. If anything, I feel I am an a**hole for not being there for my nieces but I do not feel bad for letting Aly know what John said and how it made me feel. AITAH?

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Voodoopulse −  You didn’t cause a huge fight, him being a massive bigot did.

Candid_Reading_7267 −  NTAH. Aly deserves to know why her daughters don’t get to see their fun uncle anymore.

Mother_Search3350 −  Your BIL is the AH. He isn’t man enough to sit down and have an adult conversation with you, and chose to weaponise his own children for his own bigotry. That’s a total cowardly d**khead move.

He has created anxiety and confusion in his six year old child who is now worried about her favorite uncle burning in hell. What kind of s**t parent does that to their child? Your sister asked a question and you gave her an honest answer. Whatever happened between her and her husband is nothing to do with you. 

GreenEyedPhotographr −  NTA. Your BIL chose to make a judgment. He chose to share that with his daughters, as is his prejudiced right. You withdrew to protect your heart because of how deeply he hurt you and how he chose to hurt you again by telling his daughters you were going to Hell.

Your sister, bless her, seems to have been left out of John’s decision to lead with cruelty. No wonder they’re arguing! I’m sure she’s furious. As for your mom, it’s none of her business. It would seem she was part of your awful family life.

For now, do nothing. Let your sister figure out how to deal with her husband and her kids. Don’t respond to your mom. (If she’s worried about your sister, she can talk to your sister.) When the dust settles, your sister will reach out.

I’m willing to bet she’s mortified, disgusted, and carrying around some guilt of her own for not realizing what her husband did. Give her space. When she calls, know she’s feeling all kinds of awful.

Let her know you love her and don’t hold her responsible for her husband’s actions. Sending you a big hug and a wish for a happy reunion with Aly and the girls.

dadplup −  Nta, your bil is too much of a c**ard to express his crappy opinion by himself so he had to use the kids, the fact that he hid it from his wife too makes him the biggest ah. He poisoned his kids’ minds against you using religion, and he doesn’t feel bad about it either.. He caused the fight not you

Boring-Concept-2058 −  You are soooooooooo NOT THE A**HOLE BUT JOHN IS A HUGE 1 WITH HEMORRHOIDS!! Unbelievable that he pulled his kids into his u**y and didn’t even have the balls to tell your sister!!

I’m so very sorry that this happened to you. My daughter is gay and I couldn’t love her anymore if I tried! She is brilliant and amazing and adventurous, and her nephews & nieces love her so much! She is 27 and living her best life in London.

Not bad for a girl from small town Colorado. I’d k!ll somebody that treated her the way that John treated you. Again, I’m so very sorry, and I hope your sister deals very harshly with him and that she re-educates her daughters. You’re amazing.

VesperaDream −  NTA – Your reaction to John’s hurtful comments is completely understandable. You’re trying to protect yourself and navigate a situation where someone close has shown a lack of respect for your identity. It’s important to prioritize your emotional well-being, especially in environments that aren’t supportive.

aepiasu −  To the kid, you could say something like: “Sweetheart, ‘hell’ is something people sometimes talk about happening after we die, but honestly, I don’t plan on going anywhere for a really long time.

Right now, I’m focused on being the best person I can be while I’m here. There are lots of ways to be a good person, and that’s what I’m doing every day—by caring for people, being kind, and spreading love. That’s what matters most to me.” and for your s**tty brother-in-law, remind him of how close you were before.

“John, I’ve always been the same person—I was gay then, and I’m gay now. The only difference is that now you know. Before, you thought I was a good person and treated me like a brother. What I don’t understand is why that changed so much once you found out.

Why is it necessary to treat me so differently now? It’s hurtful, and it makes me wonder if this is more about your own discomfort than anything about me.

I haven’t changed—I’m still the person who cares deeply about you, Aly, and the girls.” And if your sister doesn’t wake the f**k up, than they can all burn in the personal hell they created while on this earth,.

Tifrubfwnab −  I feel bad for her only because she probably didn’t know what he was telling you and how it was affecting the kids. She sounds like she loves you and is truly supportive.

However NTA for not wanting to be in uncomfortable situations. You are not abandoning your nieces. You are protecting yourself as well as them.

creamyman20 −  He’s a massive homophobe. You guys hung out a lot and he didn’t know you were gay. The churchy talk around you is probably not only a display of vitriol but to save face for himself.

Do you think the Redditor’s decision to withdraw was justified given the emotional toll, or should they have approached the situation differently? How would you navigate strained family dynamics around identity and love? Share your thoughts below!