AITA for not wanting my disabled cousin at my wedding?

A bride-to-be (26F) is conflicted about inviting her developmentally disabled cousin Tom (29M) to her wedding due to his history of crossing physical boundaries with her, including unwanted touching and inappropriate remarks. Her family downplays her discomfort,

blaming his behavior on his disability and her appearance. Despite this, she wants to prioritize her comfort and her relationship with her fiancé but feels guilty for potentially excluding him. read the original story below…

‘ AITA for not wanting my disabled cousin at my wedding?’

I (26F) am getting married soon to my amazing fiance Liam (30M), and I’m struggling with whether or not to invite my cousin, “Tom” (29M). Tom has a developmental disability, and while he’s almost 30, he has the intellectual capacity of about a 7-year-old.

I’ve always tried to be patient and understanding, but he has consistently crossed physical boundaries with me in ways that make me really uncomfortable.
I have always been an early bloomer and I have a much larger than average chest and because of all the sports I did in high school and that continue to this day I would like to say I look good.

I only say this because it’s the main reason my family uses to justify Tom’s behaviour. Over the years, Tom has touched my chest and b**t quite a few times, he’s also hugged me tight and tried to kiss me, and even though I immediately told him to stop each time, it never seems to stick.

He also tells all of his caretakers, nurses and live in caregivers, that I’m his girlfriend. He also doesn’t like Liam because he insists Liam isn’t my fiance/boyfriend because he is my boyfriend. Tom also talks about how he will marry me.

It kind of feels like when a little kid tells their parent they’re going to marry them but it’s still very uncomfortable. I’ve brought it up with my family, but they always downplay it, saying Tom “doesn’t understand” and that he’s just “showing affection.

” The excuse used most often is “He’s a little boy in a man’s body and you’re a conventionally attractive woman.” When I told my mom how uncomfortable it makes me, she said I probably “entertained” his behavior too much and that he’s harmless.

She insists I should just be firm, but any time I’ve tried, the family accuses me of being mean to him. With my wedding coming up, I want the day to be relaxed and special without constantly worrying about Tom overstepping boundaries.

When I told my family that I was considering not inviting him, they were outraged. They said I was being unfair, cruel, and that he’d be devastated not to come. My mom even said it would “ruin his day” and make it obvious that he’s different, which she thinks is heartless.

I get that Tom can’t help certain behaviors, but I feel like my family has completely ignored my feelings in this. They always brush off my discomfort and say it’s my responsibility to manage it or that he “doesn’t know any better,” but it’s my wedding, and I don’t want to be on edge the whole time.

Liam says I have every right not to invite him especially because of how he treats both of us like our relationship isn’t real.. Still, I wonder if I’m being too harsh or unkind since Tom isn’t fully aware of boundaries and doesn’t really know what he’s doing is bad or harmful, especially because his parents and other family members encourage it. AITA?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

NotShockedFruitWeird −  NTA, they are full of too many excuses.  Maybe if they all kept affirming “no” to him when he kept on inappropriately touching you, it might have stuck

Rude-Conclusion-2995 −  NTA. If he is «a little boy in a man’s body», there should be no problem finding someone to look after him. The fact they say you probably «entertain» him and that this would «ruin his day» is a hill I would die on. It’s not «his day» and they have been enabling this behaviour for too long.

If he can’t help his behaviour because of his disability, he should have a caretaker that looks after him.

Historical_Heron4801 −  It’s interesting that your mum thinks you ‘entertained’ his behaviour. It sounds like the family are justifying allowing his impropriety by suggesting that you actually like it. Refusing to have him at your wedding would go a long way to making it clear that you don’t like it or appreciate it

and will publicly remove that excuse for their lack of action. Any chance you’re having a child free wedding? Because their excuse that he’s basically just a child would mesh nicely with that.

intrigued_eyes −  The title may make you sound bad but no. I understand he mentally doesn’t understand but the family is lucky it’s been you and not other women. . .mentally handicapped or not he could be in trouble for that. I get he doesn’t get it but he may not commit this behavior had the family stopped it sooner.. Nta.

You have tolerated the unwanted touching of your body for too long. Only thing I can suggest is tell your family until they stop letting it happen none of them really need to attend. That probably won’t help. But you aren’t the a**hole. What if he starts doing that to little kids?

Survive1014 −  NTA. He didnt “cross the line”. He s**ually assaulted you. He may be disabled, but he still needs to be held accountable for his actions.

BriefHorror −  “Family I love you all but I have been repeatedly told that being s**ually harassed multiple times is something I should put up with anybody holding that view is uninvited from my wedding and my life.” Girl NTA but I would just keep your peace what if you have a baby girl and tom transfers his delusion to her?

Forsaken-Spirit421 −  I have a brother who is very similar. In fact almost identical just a few years older than you describe. I don’t blame him, but lack of oversight, control and pity have enabled him to traumatize me and even more so my sister in various ways.

You are not here to cater and bend to the wishes of a man who may be delayed in maturity, but if he has not been able to control himself in the past, do not mess up what is YOUR day to cater to him.. NTA.

Oh yeah his day might be s**t anyways if he attends because his favorite pair of breasts and b**t cheeks is marrying another man. He might cause drama now or later. Pro tip, never leave him unsupervised with the wedding album.

The fact that his existence is filled with tragedy does not make his feelings worth more than yours. That is super important. Your parents have a duty to protect you from harm as well and from what I’ve seen in other comments they have failed to do so with regards to him. They have NO ground to stand on to demand anything concerning your wedding imo.

grayblue_grrl −  So, everyone thinks that a full grown, s**ually fixated man, with a 7 year old mind, who insists he is going to MARRY YOU, is just going to watch his “girlfriend” marry another man, without incident? You are protecting YOURSELF and YOUR HUSBAND.. They are insane.

This has disaster and possible violence written all over it. It’s like they don’t understand people at all. He’s not invited and anyone who thinks he should be is welcome to not attend as well. Their wilful blindness to the disaster this could be is pure denial. They have done this young man no favours in his life.. Good luck.

thedrawingmelon −  NTA I haven’t seen anyone else mention it but there’s a chance he could cause a bigger scene at your wedding. If he is already telling people that you’re his girlfriend, wants to marry you and openly dislikes your fiancé,

I can’t imagine he would have a good reaction to watching you get married. Your wedding, your rules, but just be prepared for other family members to drop out.

1SPsychochic −  I guess your family would be “ok” if he did the same behavior to a child?!? It’s not his fault it’s your family’s fault for enabling his behavior. F**k’n sickos!

This situation highlights the difficult balance between accommodating someone’s needs and setting personal boundaries. Is she justified in prioritizing her comfort on her big day, or should she find a compromise to include Tom? what do you think? share your thoughts below!