How to tell wife she isn’t part of my inheritance?

A Reddit user seeks advice on how to tell their wife that an inheritance they received will remain solely under their control, despite her assuming it’s joint property.

With a history of a great marriage and no major financial disagreements, they’re unsure how to approach the conversation while maintaining harmony. Read the full story below for the dilemma!

‘ How to tell wife she isn’t part of my inheritance?’

Years ago I was gifted a “s**t-ton” worth of stock when my parents both began showing signs of dementia. Cut to this year and both my parents have passed, and I have inherited another large chunk of money in various account types.

Long story short, my wife thinks half is hers, and she has “ideas” on how to spend just about all of it. It has never been commingled with joint funds. So, would I be the a**hole if I informed her flat out that my inheritance is mine, not “ours”, and although I am willing to indulge her wants.

I will be the final authority on how those funds are spent? How would I “break it” to her in the right way? We do have a great marriage and up to this point have never had a serious disagreement revolving around money.

Check out how the community responded:

ggfangirl85 −  My husband and I have been in a similar situation. He was gifted a ton of money and assets when his grandparents died. (He’s an only grandchild). I did NOT claim half and decide how to spend it.

My husband also did not scream “MINE” and hoard it like a dragon. We sat down and talked about family goals and financial goals. We decided *as a couple* to invest in real estate (bought a bigger family home),

to invest further in our portfolio, to invest what we could in our Roth IRA and to allow some money to grow in certain savings accounts (I forget what it’s called, but there is a 10 year account that lets money grow non-taxable, after the 10 years it’s taxable).

I do have a say in any grown up toys he wants to invest in, and I did make a couple of requests that he said yes to and I’m grateful (our old couch was in bad shape and I’ve always hated our dining table).

If your marriage is good, why not discuss things and use the money to invest in your futures and indulge in a few wants together? She shouldn’t be greedy and doesn’t deserve half, but work with her!

anonymousmiamigirl −  INFO Your comments show your household income is around $400K and you’ve been married for 35 years. Have you never discussed inheritance before? What exactly does she want to spend it on? What do you plan on spending “your” money on?

YeeHawMiMaw −  If you lead with “mine”, I can see how she is going to think automatically you are an a**hole. Instead, lead with “this is my plan for what to do with the money.” Since you are happily married,

I think you should also tell her why – talk about the future, retirement, long term plans. Include statements like, “I liked your suggestion (not too much emphasis on “suggestion”) to spend some on . . . So I’ve allocated x for that”.

Ask her thoughts and if she starts to push her ideas, just gently shut them down for whatever reason. Luckily, she’s shown her hand, so you should be able to rebut these with sound logic. If she continues to push or argue, then absolutely shut her down.

Before it gets out of hand, keep one last trick in your back pocket. Suggest to her that you see a financial planner (if you haven’t already) to discuss not only your inheritance, but also any other joint savings and assets that you have.

It is possible that a neutral 3rd party could even poke holes in your plan and help you come up with a better solution for you both.. Best of luck.. NTA

Timely-Acanthaceae80 −  Depending on the sum of money and her request, I would save my griping until absolutely necessary. If I got 10 mil and she wants to redo the kitchen, I am sure as s**t redoing the kitchen.

Tishers −  I was on a sidestep of this situation about thirty years ago; My GF’s parents had died and she was left with \~$100K of an inheritance. I just assumed it was all hers and laid no claim upon it in any way.

She insisted on buying me a new car (I had a good one at the time). I resisted and made multiple excuses to not go car shopping until she finally drove us to the dealership after work (we also worked at the same place).

She had known what I liked from previous casual conversations about cars (what I liked, what she liked) so she chose a fully loaded model and then challenged me to add options. She dealt with the finance people; I thought it was going to be ‘our’ car so I signed what should of been joint-ownership paperwork.

She paid cash for it (bank draft) and we drove it home the next day. When the title arrived in the mail it only had my name on the title.
She had snaked one past me and I ended up owning the car.. \+++

I always referred to it as ‘our car’ and would still take my old car when I went to some places, leaving her the new one. She did it out of love, and an absolute trust that we would be together forever. (we were two lesbians, before gay marriage was legal in our state so in our hearts we were married to one another).

She died eight years later. I came home and found her, she had died in her sleep.. \+++ Like a cockroach her brother appeared out of the woodwork and swooped down to claim all that was hers.

He tried to claim the car and was furious beyond comprehension when he found that she had signed it over to me. (he never approved of her s**ual preferences but he was weirdly and pervy-attracted to me).. \+++

It’s your money but for the sake of family harmony you may want to get a fiduciary involved to do long-term financial planning (investment) that is locked-up so it can’t be spent on mad-money.

She may not like the outcome if she has plans on blowing the money but it is the wise decision.. \+++ I still wish I had my spouse with me instead of some stupid money.

ybeevashka −  My eastern European ass can not comprehend why ppl like you marry. Being a family for decades and money is suddenly yours, not family? Why not stay roommates with benefits for the entire life? Why complicate things?

WingsOfAesthir −  I have an extremely healthy marriage and when I came into my inheritance from my father, we treated it like it legally is here — solely mine. I used it to pay off my student loans, some s**t I’ve wanted and then *I* chose to spend the majority on a house down payment and a vacation for both of us.

We treat money that comes in for my husband from his parents (they believe in sending money *now* while their kids are raising kids and life is more expensive but it’s still inheritance money) the same. It goes into his sole account and then from there it gets spent as wanted and needed but based on what **he** wants to do with his money.

His parent’s money has paid for a new furnace & AC and getting our wilderness of a back yard reclaimed. So the way we’ve worked it out is that who is given the money controls it but because we’re both invested in our 24 year marriage most of the money ends up taking care of both of us as needed.

celticmusebooks −  Curious: What are her “ideas” on spending it? How were your finances before the inheritance? How did you handle her not having access to the earlier “gift” from your parents?

Lewca43 −  I saw it mentioned you’ve been married for 35 years, how have you guys handled money in the past? If it’s all been commingled I can understand why she’d be surprised that this is being treated differently in your mind.

Obviously legally it’s yours as it’s your inheritance but for us, regardless of whose name is on an account, it’s *our* money. That being said, I did note that you said she considers “half” hers which is odd so I can see your concern.

We have always commingled finances and make all significant decisions together. I would never think of spending a large sum without us agreeing on the expense. You need to speak with her sooner rather than later.

I assume you aren’t excluding her from the benefits of this money, like being set for retirement? I can’t imagine you would retire early and watch her work until she’s 70 because you have this money and she doesn’t. Talk with her and get a fiduciary financial advisor now.

busyshrew −  There is too much you haven’t told us, OP, to formulate a good judgment. Is your wife a spendthrift? You say that you haven’t had disagreements around money – but that can often be true when neither partner HAS money.

Is your wife planning to spend the inheritance on frivolous things or in ways that you don’t agree with? Vacations, unnecessary vehicle(s), clothes – in other words, acting like you won a lottery? OR is she thinking prudently and wants to put the funds into trusts, long term investments, perhaps a new house purchase?

And do you agree? Disagree? Do you have plans and ideas about your inheritance that you haven’t discussed with your wife because you believe she won’t agree with you? And why? As someone long married with a young adult child, I would want my child to protect her inherited assets.

Marriages can end in divorce even after a long period of time, and the law makes it clear that an inheritance doesn’t need to be split between spouses. (in North America). BUT your wife is your partner in life, your ride or die (I hope). So much of this situation is unclear, so I don’t know……

I would advise that you and your wife have a meeting with the estate lawyer. Let THEM lay out in very clear terms who is to inherit, how, when, and the legal rights thereof. A good lawyer will have dealt with this issue many times before and should also have some sage advice on what to do (and what not to do).

The worst thing you can do is behave exactly as if this inheritance is a lottery win. Watch some videos on what happens to lottery winners….. it often doesn’t end well. My condolences on the loss of your parents.

Would it be fair for the Redditor to assert sole control over their inheritance, or should they approach financial decisions as a couple, even with separate funds? How would you navigate this tricky conversation in your own marriage? Share your thoughts and advice below!