UPDATE: AITA for telling my girlfriend that being depressed is not an excuse for being lazy?

First, please read my original post: https://aita.pics/dkBtq
Ultimately I realise that the majority of the blame was mine. I never EVER should have called her lazy because that isn’t what she is. I lashed out and I shouldn’t have.

‘ UPDATE: AITA for telling my girlfriend that being depressed is not an excuse for being lazy?’

She stayed at her mothers for a few days, and we eventually met up to talk. I told her how it just got too much for me, but it was no excuse for lashing out and I apologised. She apologised also, not that she needed to, and we talked for a long while about how we can make our relationship work.

I expressed my concerns over her therapist who is very against anything other than talking therapy. She agreed that he didn’t seem to really have her best interests at heart and she is currently looking for someone new.

For now, I suggested she stops looking for work. She got a lot of rejections and I could see it was upsetting her more. I just felt we should take a step back from that and I want her to focus a little more on herself. She was unsure as she felt bad that I would be working for both of us, but I assured her it is fine. (I make enough to support us both quite comfortably).

I also suggested maybe she could volunteer at some point just to get her out and get some more stuff on her resume. I’m no therapist so these were just suggestions, but it has seemed to have taken some of the pressure off her which is all I wanted.

We agreed that being in the apartment all day alone and in bed is not good for her. So, we came up with a plan that she do an exercise video 3 times a week (it’s only a 10 minute one), just so she is doing something. She has found she likes doing them, they make her feel a bit better after, and has started something called Yin Yoga now too.

To help me, she has ONE chore a day to do. I don’t care what it is. It could be dishes or it could just be putting the laundry in the hamper. This rule has at least gotten her out of bed for part of the day and she’s found that once she starts she sometimes ends up doing more than one thing. I make sure to show my appreciation for whatever she has done, no matter how small it was.

We have set out that every sunday we will have a deep cleaning day where we get everything done for the week. This has been surprisingly successful. We make it fun and just mess around while still getting things done. It makes the week a lot more manageable when we only have light chores to keep on top of.

She is trying more, and I am also working on being more supportive about her depression. I’m researching it more, and learning ways I can help her because it is a part of her. We are both putting more effort in and communicating a lot better. I hope we keep making progress because I do love her very much and want us to work.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

QuidditchRules −  It’s so nice when these things have a happy ending! Good job on working on your issues and communicating properly! <3

twotwentyonebeehives −  Great to hear. Depression-induced inability to get out of bed is a vicious circle, and having you there to help her both be accountable but also as her support is super important – its good to see that you’ve been able to change your behaviour which in turn will help her as well.

If she’s enjoying doing online fitness and yin yoga, I highly recommend the Youtube channel Yoga with Adrienne – she does a lot of slow yin style lessons, in addition to specific ones for people with depression and anxiety that are great.

Sassrepublic −  I’m glad that you’ve found this balance. I do think you are being hard on yourself as well. Are you familiar with the concept of caregiver fatigue? It sounds like you unknowingly assigned yourself as her caregiver which is incredibly taxing, especially when it just sort of happened as opposed to knowingly taking on the job.

Living with someone with mental health issues has its own set of challenges. You should seriously look into getting your own therapist to help you handle that responsibility and manage your own well-being.

archvanillin −  This is such a wholesome update! It sounds like you and gf are doing all the right things, best of luck to both of you.

MoonpawX −  Glad to hear a happy update, and that she’s feeling better! I know you’re not asking for advice any more, but if she likes online tutorials and yoga, can I suggest Yoga With Adriene? I love her easy, calm demeanor. She has several 30 day “courses”, so once you pick a “course” it’s not a chore to find another video to do the next day. And she doesn’t have to do yoga every single day–I would do it would do it with my friend, and we used to take off the weekends anyways.

Aulyvyha −  Hey OP 🙂 Depressed girl here. My therapist gave me an amazing tool that could be of use to your girlfriend : the procrastination book. It’s just a simple agenda (with her favorite color on the cover, so it’s pleasing for her to look at), which displays days week by week (so to directly have a look at her entire week). She can put any task she wants in there.

For example, I myself did put that I had to paint my nails on tuesday at 5 and to make pancakes on thursday for my supper, nothing too hard, little things I usually enjoy doing. There only one rule, once a task is written in the book, it must be done, so she has to write with an ink pen 🙂 she can also leave all days blank if that’s what she wants ! But to be honest, I’ve only put tasks I really wanted to do but was too depressed to perform before.

The book really helps 🙂 once she feels ready, she might enjoy using that little trick. Sorry for the bad spelling and such, English isn’t my main language, and all the bests to you guys, you can fight this together, I know she will get better <3

topazlacee −  This is beautiful to read. The best apology is changed behavior. Well done.

scary-sundae −  LOVE this update. You’re patience and attention to her mental health are admirable. It’s *hard* to get out of a depressive episode but with support from those around her, especially this level of support, she’ll appreciate this more than she can ever explain down the road. Keep up the good work & remember if the load gets too heavy as time goes on, your mental health is important too so seek out your own support as needed!

Joy-of −  This is such a lovely update. I’m glad you were able to work things out. That sounds like a really good plan for her.

Wise_Possession −  When she finds a new therapist, you should ask to go to one of the appointments so that you can learn more about depression. Its a safe space where she can, with the therapist’s help, tell you her triggers, how it feels, that kind of thing, and knowing may help strengthen your relationship in the future.