AITA for yelling at my pregnant sister n law and telling my husband to choose me or her?

A Reddit user recounted a deeply emotional and tense situation with their sister-in-law, who moved in after becoming pregnant and whose actions escalated into a dramatic confrontation. The breaking point came when the sister-in-law converted the nursery the user had set up for a child they recently lost into her own without permission. After a heated exchange, the user demanded that their husband choose between them and his sister. Read the full story below to explore the complex emotions and family dynamics at play.

‘ AITA for yelling at my pregnant sister n law and telling my husband to choose me or her?’

See I know the title sounds wrong, but please here me out. I’m currently typing this all up while my husband’s entire family is sitting downstairs. So, I 29 F, have been married to my husband for 8 years. About 2 months ago I had my third miscarriage (31 weeks), I won’t be talking about it because it makes me feel so depressed, but you’ll need to remember this.

About 4 months ago, my sister-in-law (20) came crying at our doorstep telling us she’s pregnant and her boyfriend didn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy; and had nowhere to go. My husband and I openly took her in, welcomed her into our home with open arms. For the first few weeks, it was really hard for her (understandably.) I sat with her for hours, holding her when she cried, binging our favorite tv shows, eating so much ice cream we quite literally fell into a coma.

It was really bonding for us (so I thought.) Here’s where is starts going downhill, I take pride in my neat, clean home. My sister-in-law on the other hand did not. She would leave her clothes all around the house, leave her dirty dishes wherever, even went as far and leaving her s3x toys on our living room table. I tried to talk to her directly before I talked to my husband, she immediately started crying and told me should try to be cleaner.

I hugged her, told her it was okay, but this is a clear boundary for me. She told me it wouldn’t happen again. But it only got worse, she told me I was expected to do her laundry, dishes, and clean her room daily because she’s the pregnant one. Well, I do understand how hard it is being pregnant, I just couldn’t allow feeling like a maid in my own home (disclaimer, I bought this house, not my husband. it was all me.) Not to mention my recent loss of my child.

So, I told my husband, but what he told me shocked me. His exact words were “Hunny, she’s going through a lot right now, we really should be helping her out. plus, it might make you feel better, to take care of someone who’s **pregnant.**” I was pissed to say the least. Make me feel better?? Shes going through a lot? we need to help her? letting her stay with us wasn’t enough???

While I don’t want to invalidate her pain, my husband and I were also going through our own problems. Anyways we moved on, I did my best to maintain work and the household chores. My husband works 7am – 7pm so he isn’t around to help much, I work full time from home, so it’s been super stressful, when I even try to ask for help form my sister-in-law, she always makes an excuse. Even if she’s just watching tv.

The one thing that pushed me over the edge was I went out to buy my one food that I have actually enjoyed eating after my miscarriage. I wrote my name on it and directly asked my sister-in-law to not eat it. Well, I went to go to my fridge to get it, and you’ll never guess. She freaking ate it. Now you may think “It’s just food.”

I buy all the groceries, basically pay all the bills. I don’t mind people having some of my food, but the one thing I ask to not be touched, gets touched. I told my husband and of course he rubbed it into my face that she’s pregnant, I need to be less selfish, and life is about sacrifices. I was so upset I told him i felt like him and her were the horrible roommate’s people talk about on reddit. he didn’t take that well lol.

Which leads us to my title. My sister-in-law planned a random baby shower party thing, at my house. I personally didn’t know If I could even be home when this was happening. I felt so hurt that she wouldn’t talk to me knowing everything that has happened and that she would just invite random strangers into another person’s home before asking. My husband urged me to go, told him it would permanently affect mine and her relationship.

So, I told him I’d go. About halfway through the party my husband and S.I.L announced that they wanted to show the nursery to everyone. I was confused, nursery? she was staying that long? What room did she turn into a nursery? They told everyone to head up stairs, that’s when it hit me. They were talking about MY nursery, for MY baby I had JUST lost.

A wave of emotions hit me when I saw everyone in my baby’s nursery telling her what a good job they did setting it up. MY set up. For my baby, that my body failed to give me. I just lost it. I started sobbing, then that sadness turned into pure rage. I started yelling at my sister-in-law, telling her Shes the foulest human for putting me through everything she has for the last few months. Making me feel like I was a maid, or an object for her convenience.

Through choked up tears I turned to my husband whose jaw was on the floor. I turned my head to see his entire family just staring at me. I lost it again. Yelling, I looked at my sister-in-law telling her; How dare she use my nursery, for my baby, how dare she think she has the right. What she told me, made me fall to my knees sobbing. “It’s not my fault you couldn’t produce a child, why let this go to waste, you’re so selfish.”

My husband tried to pick me up off the floor, but I yelled again, standing to my knees, which were now shaking, I told him. Pick. A dumbfound look on his face. I yelled again; Pick, me or her. He couldn’t even muster up anything to say. I just looked at him, pure butyral, I pushed past the crowd of family and ran straight up here to type this out. Even if no one sees this, at least it’s helped me let these emotions out. Now’s the point where I ask, am I the a**hole.. ​. 

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

Peanutsandcheese2021 −  You didn’t have a miscarriages at 31 weeks , you had a still birth. And that’s very hard to take.

jade1312x −  NTA – I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. It’s maybe time to reconsider your marriage. Your husband disrespected you and didn’t take in consideration your feelings in YOUR home. Tell your SIL to take her belongings and get out of the house immediately. It’s unacceptable behavior. You deserve respect. And you’re not a maid. You’re a person. With feelings. With traumas.

You need to heal. And for that, you need her out and maybe your husband for a moment, the time to think about what you want for your future. You must be broken, and it’s so understandable, please seek for help. and therapy. I wish you the best for the future 🫶🏻

BudgetContract3193 −  Tell them both to GTFO. Edit: NTA.

Crazybutnotlazy1983 −  NTA, first call a locksmith and lock up the nursery before she and your soon to be ex steel the items. As your SIL has been there for a while you will need to go through the courts to evict her. Stop doing her laundry. Tell her any of her junk left lying around will go in the trash and do it. Stop grocery shopping and cooking. Get just what you need for yourself. Most of all get a lawyer and kick hubby to the curb as well.

Primary-Criticism929 −  You need to take a deep breath and have a drink. Then, if there’s anymore people in the house, kick them out, and that includes your husband and SIL. Threaten to call the cops if you have to. Lock the door. Call your mother or a friend, anybody who you know is going to support you.

Call a locksmith or have the person coming get some new locks for your door. Start packing your SIL’s s**t and your husband’s. Put everything outside and then call him to let him know he can pick up their stuff outisde.
Then find yourself a divorce attorney.

Honey, beyond the fact that your husband seem to not give a s**t about you, you do realize that he has been using you as well right ? You bought the house, you pay the bills, you shop, you clean, you cook, you do laundry… What the hell does he do ?

Logical-Fox5409 −  NTA. WTF is wrong with your husband.

Street_Math3177 −  So it’s time to kick both of them out and file for separation. He made his choice by not speaking up, defending you, or protecting you. This entire time, you’ve communicated with him how you were being mistreated in your own house and he disregarded you, disrespected you, and expected you to just do it. He didn’t even ask you about your thoughts on the nursery. You need to pick yourself and let both these assholes go immediately.

While you’re in the room, start throwing his s**t in a bag and tell him he needs to leave immediately and take this little b of a sister with him. Once they leave, call up an emergency locksmith and change all your locks. And call up every divorce lawyer in the city. EDIT wrote this comment at 4am hahah.. forgot it’s illegal to throw them out like that. I wish it was that easy.

Adorable-Reaction887 −  NTA. They both need to leave immediately. I’m not joking. Your SIL for obvious reasons. This was meant to be a temporary situation, now she’s laying claim to *your* house and *your* nursery? Girl isn’t even doing the f**king dishes! She needs to go. All those friends and family she invited to *your* house can take her in.

Your husband. Does he realise that this *isnt* his baby? That it’s not going to replace the child you lost? Letting his kid sister walk all over you cos she’s pregnant. Did he treat you like a delicate little flower during your pregnancies? If not, remind him of that fact on his way out. Is he expecting you to help raise/fund SILs baby? Cos shes young and deserves a life and all that BS. He literally stood there while she spouted all that s**t to after months of letting her treat you like s**t and still didn’t defend you.. I am FURIOUS on your behalf.

Tell them both the free ride is over. Lock up the nursery so they can’t take the stuff YOU paid for and give them notice to GTFO. I am sorry for your loss. You deserve support and kindness, not this.

Shot_Eye7173 −  NTA, please reconsider your marriage. Not worth your mental health and are you sure you even what a future child in such toxic environment. Sorry to be this blunt..take care of yourself.

emptynest_nana −  NTA. Where to start. This is a big mess, it’s almost like your husband and his n**ty sister are trying to make you completely break. The way he protects her, backs her up, coddles and babies her, itseems more like your husband is married to his sister. There is something really fishy about those 2.

I just feel like they have some evil master plan, it will make you feel better to take care of a pregnant woman, work harder, clean up messes other people make, leaving s** toys out??? That part immediately got my suspicious mind in gear. Why would your husband’s sister leave her s** toys on the moving room, where her brother could find it or them. Unless she wanted him to find them. The relationship between your husband and his sister is off. Something is wrong there.

Turning your child’s nursery into a nursery for another baby, without your permission, knowledge, or consent is next level bull s**t. I have been trying to word my response here to be not so harsh but I cannot do that here. The way your husband and his “sister” are acting, they are the married couple and you are on the maid. The stuff they are doing is psychological torture. You need to get both of them out of your home.
Edit: spelling and Grammer. It’s stupidly late and I am tired. Sorry for the sloppy writing.