AITA for telling my husband we shouldn’t be buying Christmas gifts this year?

A Reddit user shared a tough financial situation with her husband, who recently started a new job after quitting his previous one for mental health reasons. They’re behind on bills and facing a hefty debt to renew his driver’s license. Despite the financial strain, her husband insists on buying gifts for extended family Christmas celebrations,

while she feels they should skip gifts to focus on essentials and catching up on debts. She worries about the financial impact of “keeping up appearances” and wonders if she’s wrong for suggesting they forego gifts. Read the original story below.

‘ AITA for telling my husband we shouldn’t be buying Christmas gifts this year?’

We are a one income household. I’m disabled and can’t work. My husband quit his job in August due to mental health reasons andI fully supported his decision. He didn’t find a job until the middle of October and just started last Monday(the 28th).

In the interim, he was working part-time for his uncle, but wasn’t making enough to cover our bills. We are behind on phone, internet, electric and rent. We will be late on rent next month and possibly January while we get caught up.

My husband’s birthday is at the end of December and he has to renew his driver’s license. BUT in order for him to do that, he has to pay $1600 for using a pay per use highway in our province that he just didn’t pay for the last couple of years.

We owe over $6000 total for the bill, but only have to pay the $1600 to get his license renewal. His father also *loaned* us $800 to help us pay our insurance and groceries. My husband is not very fiscally responsible so I am trying to take over the finances. Now, his family always over does Christmas.

At least 4 celebrations for his side of the family and all require buying gifts for games, and all of his extended family. It’s quite expensive and overwhelming. We also have three children and one of them has a birthday two days before Christmas. Our kids are 15, 16 and 22.

I think the kids are old enough to understand that we can’t afford lavish gifts this year and I’m hoping his extended family will understand what a predicament we’re in. My husband is upset with me that I don’t want to spend the money on gifts this year and just have our presence be our presents. He wants to “keep up appearances”. I hate that.. So, AITA??

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Waste_Worker6122 −  NTA. I am sorry to learn of your circumstances. As sad as it may be, your Christmas presents aren’t going to be much use if you are evicted and living on the street. Your first priority should be getting your rent and utilities up to date. Helping you accomplish that would be a wonderful gift to receive from members of your family.

Lizwings −  NTA.  It’s not worth going into debt, possibly getting kicked out of your home, or having your utilities shut off just to “keep to appearances” for your in-laws. That would be a huge mistake.  Tell them you can’t participate in the games/gifts this year, but you’ll enjoy celebrating with them and spending time with them instead. 

DubiousPeoplePleaser −  You’re all financially irresponsible. He quit his job before having a new one lined up, and you supported this. Unless he was in bodily harm, I would have thrown a fit. And even before quitting his job, he didn’t pay his bills. Highly doubt that the road bill is the only one.

You both overspend during Christmas. He may be the one pushing for this, but you’ve enabled him. This is the first time you have put your foot down and you are NTA for it. Unfortunately Christmas is just a drop in the bucket. You have kids as old as 22 so you’re at least in your 40s with no savings, consumer debt and living above your means.

What is your long term plan? When you grow old, do you just plan to be a financial burden on your kids?  This needs to change now. Write down all your debts, and when they are due. Everything. Personal loans, road fee, parking tickets, credit cards, mortgage. Absolutely everything.

Then look at your monthly spending. Where are you over spending to keep up appearances? What can you cut down on? How many cars do you have? Do you need to downgrade your house? Do you have s**t in the attic that you can sell?  And if it’s so important to him to keep up appearances, then lie.

Tell the in-laws you’re suddenly going green and that you are so worried about the environment and how we are waisting resources, so this year will be all about giving second hand items. You probably have something at home that you can regift. If not then check sites that gives stuff away for free.

Remote-Physics6980 −  NTA maybe sit down with your husband and say that X amount of dollars can be put toward Christmas in any way that he likes. But nothing above that. And then stick to those numbers.

You might also want to draw up a budget of both best case and worst case scenarios and make your husband review it with you and sign off that he understands it.

That might help a little bit when he starts getting the Jones to spend inordinate amounts of money you don’t have. It’s very stressful to be the only fiscally responsible person in relationship. Keep good records. 

embopbopbopdoowop −  “My husband is upset with me that I don’t want to spend the money on gifts this year … “. What money?!. NTA

AggravatingWest2511 −  NTA, but that’s a rough one to handle. Maybe try writing down the expenses vs income you have together with your husband, so that he would see you’re tight on budget? And then maybe it turns out a compromise is possible?

For example you can find a few $ for the gifts and bring something simple, like a bag of cookies for the game winner. It will not be ideal in your husband’s eyes, but you have to go through the rough time together, as a team.

R4eth −  Nta. You can’t enjoy any gifts gotten when you’re cold and hungry on the street. “keeping up appearances” my ass. My siblings and I stopped doing gifts for each other a couple years ago. My siblings and I will pick something to all go in on for mom and dad and that’s it.

Mom and dad get some nice, smaller gifts for us and we’re good. The only difference this year is now wife and I have a 1yo. If your extended family seriously judges you for not doing gifts this year, then they are no family of yours. Real family would be supportive in this time of need.

DigitalDonutNL −  Keeping up appearances is not a reason to go in further debt.

Sure-Beach-9560 −  NAH I actually agree with your position, but I understand that this can be a very sensitive subject for your husband. But is it possible to do homemade gifts and get away with that? Baked goods, or handmade home decor – depending on how artsy you are.

For baked goods – you don’t even have to bake: I once got a home made “cookie mix” (flour, cocoa, sugar, cinnamon, etc.) with instructions on a pretty card.
And you can just say you’re tired of all the waste – you don’t have to make it about money.

Or barter – if your relatives have young kids, I’m sure “coupons” for babysitting (overnight babysitting if you can do that) will be worth more to them than any gift…Another option is to go to goodwill/ garage sales. You have time – so if you start now, you can probably get some decent stuff for low prices.

As long as we’re not talking electronics/ computer games/ etc.

TimeRecognition7932 −  YTA. .why did you think it was a good idea for husband to quit with no back up job.

Should the couple prioritize their financial recovery over traditional gift-giving, or is maintaining family holiday norms worth the added stress? How would you navigate balancing family expectations with financial challenges? Share your thoughts below!